Hospice and the end

Jennifer,
My mum was diagnosed early May and is now at same stage to what you describe. Rarely eating or drinking and sleeps most of the time. The speed at which this progresses is devastating. What I have realised is that while she seems to be asleep, she is not fully. She is just so fatigued, it is easier to keep eyes closed and not respond. But she hears everything. From all the advice I have got and as Marion has said, what we need to do is keep talking to her softly and gently and touch her. Let her know you are there.
Also as Joe says, do not force her to eat and drink. You could ask if she wants water. When she really does, she will say yes at other times there will be no response. What we can do is accept this is what it is, and keep showing love and acceptance. This will make it easier and more comfortable for her and cause her less anxiety and distress. I realised early on that much of my mothers distress was about causing us, her children distress. That she was the cause of sadness in us.
Be strong and show her love and care. And take care of yourself
Rangani

Jennifer,

I’m sorry. That really sucks, to think you caught it early only to find out it spread anyways.

My mother had this cancer for almost a year and a half before I understand why this one is particularly bad as compared to other cancers. One of my mother’s IR doctors explained to me that this cancer’s consistency is different. He said to not think of it as a lump or a mass, but think of it (and this is my analogy of what he said) as a rusty pipe where the cancer is the rust growing up the pipe. The ‘rust’ gets brittle and flakes off, which is why it spreads so easily.

If your mom is not eating much and she’s on pain medicine, so she’s going to sleep a ton. So much of being around someone very sick is listening to and saying platitudes. “You should eat”, “You should get up and move around”, “You should…” fill in the blank. It almost gets comical at a point.

If your mother regains consciousness, do her and yourself a favor and don’t be that person. You don’t need to spout poetry, just don’t try and put an end to uncomfortable silences or situations because you can’t.

There are good books on dealing with dying that might help. If I could remember the name of the one I read I’d tell you, but it gave some insight and strategies.

Good luck,

Joe