How can I tell when the end is near?

I think all the responses have been completely accurate and the truth is, one just doesnt know when a person is going to breath their last breath. My father had been bedridden and unable to walk for atleast 2 months before he died, he had no energy to sit up on his own or feed himself and he barely spoke his last few months. The last two weeks of his life he didnt eat a thing(just sponged water on his mouth), and slept constantly. He would awake and gasp in pain and we would give him morphine. This heartbreaking process went on for 2 weeks….The day of his death however, his breathing changed. It had become more labored and very loud(I guess it is called the death rattle, but I really dont like the phrase) That started about 1:00 in the afternoon, and lasted til 5:10. All his kids were there, we tried to keep the grandkids out, but they insisted(almost throwing fits) that they wanted to be there, so they were there as well, hugging, kissing, him, telling him how much they love him. They say that people intentionally either wait for people to be there when they die, or they dont, and I think there is symbolism in both. My dad was our glue that kept our family together, maybe he wanted us to see that he will still be with us, even though he is gone from site. Whatever the reason, for our family, his passing over was an incredibly beautiful memory, and I think a final gift that he gave us. However, if he had died alone, I would have felt that is what he wanted as well, to spare us the gut wrenching finality of the loss.
I guess what i am saying none of us caregivers should beat ourselves up if we are not present when our loved one passes. They know how much we love them and how much we are going to miss them. Do tell your loved one everything you want to say now, they are present, and they hear and understand everything. I kept telling my dad it was ok to go and we would meet again in paradise, and I truly do believe that.
Peace and Prayer
xoxo
Barbara

Deb,
If you look in the hospice/pallative care section there are many posts that discuss the end..

Kris

Hi Deb, I am so sorry to read your post. I was there just few months ago, with my own Dad and there are no words to describe the heartbreak. A friend of mine loaned me the Hospice book “Gone From My Sight”. Because this publication is fee based, I can’t post the contents here due to copyright restrictions- but would be happy to share with you the highlights of this document, specific to ‘what to expect in the final days/months’, a fellow cc friend has captured it in digital format and I can forward that to you at your request. My family could not talk hospice, as my Dad would have no part of such conversations & never believed he was going to die- but I (privately) had the small book and Dad’s final days unfolded just as it said.

There is no way of knowing exactly when, you may not be there Deb. I can only speak to my own experiences, but I quietly said goodbye to Dad constantly- as he slept, in his final days, sensing his time was near. My own Dad was not as sick as yours, in fact he got out of his chair and walked on his own across the room to the dining room chair that Tues. AM- where he died in the arms of my brother and I. My Mom, his wife of 40 yrs., can not forgive herself for leaving the house for a 1 hour doc. appointment that morning. She was by his side always, but that is how it happened and it is certainly no fault of hers, as Dad could just as readily have survived another couple of weeks. I also contacted the Sacred Dying Foundation- in Dad’s final 24 hours, for suggestions on keeping vigil at the deathbed.

A final thought…. consider whispering to him everything that you have ever wanted to tell him, it is my sense that as our loved ones start to detach- their hearts hear our words.

You and your Dad are in my prayers Deb, and I’m sending you love in this most difficult time.

Tess