A bit about me

Moose, you just said something else that reminded me of the time after surgery. Before surgery, I was singleminded….full speed ahead…get that surgery…get that damned thing out of me…and I’ll be better. Well, I got the resection…..and mentally I was in a far better place…even though I was recovering from the major surgery. But, the farther out from surgery I got…and the closer to starting chemo (if I was going to), the more anxious I got again…more crying, etc. It has been similar before and after scans…just reversed in when the anxiety hits. But I remember that feeling in the couple weeks before surgery….I HAD to get that thing (tumor) out of me….and the relief I felt after the surgery that it was gone.

The other thing I wanted to touch on was very close family members with whom you really have to stay in touch. My mother is very elderly and does not deal with medical things well (whole history of family issues i won’t go into here). I know this….and I know what her responses are going to be before she says them….which should help, but it doesn’t. I know my mother can’t be the support for me that I would wish she would be….though I hoped that maybe in this crisis, she would finally step up, but she really didn’t much…and once the chemo was over, she went back to her old ways. She looked at my cancer (and a previous heart attack 13 years ago) the same way….as to how they were going to affect HER…..not what she could do for me. I know she thought she was trying during this cancer treatment…surgery and chemo….but the phone calls often turned to her and not me. I’m sure she was concerned and scared…but more scared of her outliving her children, than for me. That isn’t being harsh…..as I said….there is a whole history I’m not talking about here. It is just the way it is. But, it was still disappointing. And, being my mother, she wasn’t someone I could really push aside…at least I didn’t feel I should. So, I finally gave up…let her say her trite things….and just got through the phone conversations (she lives a long ways away).

As I said…sometimes, the people we hope will be our strongest rocks….don’t respond to us the way we thought they would or wished they would.

I had people who were there for me…helping with food and offering to give me rides to treatments…..but these same people often said stupid things. I finally decided to quit arguing with them about it….accept the wonderful things they offered and leave it at that. If they wanted me to be more positive (after I shared with them the facts), I finally figured out that it was they who couldn’t handle the truth…and it was mean for me to keep pushing it at them. They were never going to accept it…because they didn’t want to deal with it. But, I could accept the offers and gestures they made otherwise and be thankful. It was definitely a tradeoff.

Julie t.

Mary, this is my outlook on the friends. Sometimes the stress that is caused is not worth the effort as you need your energy to be positive to help fight this cancer.
Story time: Teddy and I lived in an adult community in Phoenix. My best friends, a group of 5 ladies, were CLOSE for years. They were terrific and especially when Teddy was sick. After everything was over something strange happened. The ‘ringleader’ would roll her eyes when ever I talked about Teddy. Don’t get me wrong she loved him, just didn’t want me to mention him and would roll those eyes at the others. One day I had it and sent her an email that I was dropping our girl’s night out and etc. Then I moved to an apartment as it was cozier than living alone in a house. Well 3 years went by that I did not see nor hear from them and all of a sudden last spring they started sending me emails and asking me to do things. I did. It will never be the same though. People are not always as kind and intelligent as we think they are. It will really help you if you keep stress from your door! Perhaps they are not able to accept things well, but that is not your fault. Be strong and a little help from a pro can’t hurt.

No wordy limits here Julie! And Mary, so glad that you are feeling better after sharing about stuff here. I did that lots when my dad was fighting CC and I so know that it helped me loads. That and the wonderful people here as well helped enormously too! Keep coming back Mary.

Hugs,

Gavin

Yes, yes, yes…I can relate entirely with everything you said in your first post. I knew immediately, when my GP asked for a CT scan, that she was looking for cancer, but it surprised her as well, when they found the tumor in my left liver lobe. I’ve also had surgery, Feb 2014, and the last year has been a blurr. Yes, people say stupid stuff…..and it sounds like good things to say to them, I”m sure, but we know the impact it has…and it isn’t usually good. I think that they say these things because they think it will help you fight the cancer…and it makes them feel better. Otherwise, they can’t cope with it. I know…where does that leave us, as patients. We feel like we’ve been slammed in the stomach with a ball bat and people are telling us these stupid things. Talking to a psychologist really helped me a lot, because I could tell her things…say things to her…and cry my heart out to the point of sobbing if I needed to do that. She also helped me to see that I didn’t need to explain anything to anybody…or even tell some people that I was dealing with cancer. That cut down a lot on some of the stressful conversations. But, I remembert desperately just wanting someone to know what this cancer is and understand. There are responses you can use that tiptoe around the subject. Of course, if you’re having chemo and lose your hair….then people do start to wonder. But, we can always say , I lost my hair and hate hats and scarves or wigs and leave it at that. Unless they are someone close to you, you don’t need to give them anything more for info. If they ask, it is perfectly fine to tell them that you would rather not discuss it. If they persist, you turn on your heels and leave. It’s pretty amazing how empowering that can make you feel. I have to admit a few times using my cancer to get rid of telemarketers (and they have taken me off of their call lists) ))) I”m glad you found us …though I would rather none of us had a reason to be here. Some people use some anxiety drugs to help them cope with all the feelings, but I prefer to use the psychologist mainly because it gets it out and she gives me tools to help me through rough spots. I may use something before getting scans for the anxiety, but inbetween, things seem to be pretty good. Let us know how things are going…..don’t be worried about spilling your guts here…..we’ve all done it….patients and caretakers alike and there are no judgements. Don’t feel guilty for being able to have surgery when others aren’t able to have it for various reasons. And don’t feel that because you had surgery, you need to suck it up and “get over it”. Oh, have I heard that one. You will never get over it…but you will come to terms with it and find there are days that you rarely think about it. Yesterday, it was about noon before it came to my mind…..and then, I can honestly say that I didn’t think about it again for hours. So, here I am, a year out from surgery, and it’s not the first thing on my mind every day. But, I do remember when it was…and I know you are probably in that place right now. It’s okay….it will get better….even if you do adjuvant chemo and don’t feel well, you may think of the chemo as something totally separate from the cancer….esp since you had surgery already. Maybe not…but everyone is different. I really do recommend though that if you could meet with a psychologist who deals a lot with cancer patients….you will find that it is a safe place to release emotions, fears and you will maybe find out some good coping skills. It may not work for you….we each have to find our own way with this, but when family and friends aren’t helpful and can’t handle the scary and sad stuff, then we, as patients, have to do what we can. Groups like this help, as does prayer (if you’re so inclined), psycologist’s help, medications….and usually a combination of all of the above. Why do people say the things they do…..because it isn’t really you who needs to think positively….it’s THEM….they can’t cope with the subject themselves and by telling you that yoiu have to be positive, it takes the heat off of them. Is it fair…heck no….but the best of friends and the most loving of family members will often surprise you and not be the rocks you thought they would be. It doesn’t mean you have to toss them aside…or never be friends again. It just may mean that they aren’t personally as strong as you had hoped. Hugs……Julie T.

Hello Mary –
Welcome to the family that no one really wants to be a part of but you will always be glad you found us. I know where you are coming from my husband was diagnosed with stage3b in May 2013 and just a few days later my then 19 year old son was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of comments I got from people about being strong, not crying, etc. I wanted to collapse on my self and curl into a little ball and cry until it was over. It wasn’t an option. Luckily though I found these discussion boards and I can tell you there are some truly wonderful people on here. I have melted down more than once on here and felt better when it was done and gotten the support that I needed at the time.
It sounds like the hard part is over for you…..surgery. And that is the number 1 best thing you can be told. And the big question for most people right now is to chemo or not. There are people who have gone both ways. My husband opted for 6 months of every 2 weeks Gemcitabine and Oxaliplatin then followed up with 25 doses or radiation and continuous infusiion 5FU. He wanted to do every thing he could keep it from coming back. He is now almost two years cancer free. And so is my son.
Hang in there. Keep us posted.

KrisV