October 12, 2007 at 9:25 pm #17281kate-gMember
Hey Jules. So sorry you are having such a hard time. Everyone else has said all there is to say, you are grieving, that’s how it is.
I’ll email you. xxxxxxxxxOctober 12, 2007 at 8:22 pm #17280julesParticipant
thankyou Joyce and cdr. I have read your postings Joyce and I really feel for you, your mum was clearly a huge part of your life, your best friend, not just your mother. When we lose somebody so central to our lives the void they leave is just huge. My Dad was my best friend too. We spent alot of time together, every weekend, often saw each other during the week and emailed and spoke on the phone all the time. I am bringing up my daughter alone and he was like a father to her. He was just so special to me and I have never felt so much loved by anyone else in my life.
I am finding life so hard right now. Life seems unrecognisable to what it was. Today a well meaning friend took me to lunch and I found it a huge strain, if I mentioned my Dad I saw his eyes roll. Driving home I was sobbing “I want my Dad…I want you back, please Dad come back – just give one more day with him, just one more hour…anything” I have never felt so rock bottom in my life. I only wish I had someone who cared to talk to, to support me through this. (I’m sure that is a luxury that few of us have). I have my daughter and I have to keep going for her sake, I honestly don’t know what I would do without her and she seems to be coping well and seems so much more accepting of the situation. (she is 13). Venting on this website is my only release and I honestly don’t know what I would do without it right now. Thanks for listening and for your messages of support.
JulesxOctober 12, 2007 at 6:32 am #17279jmoneypennyMember
I relate so much to what you are saying — the anger at the cancer, at the world, at yourself for not doing enough. You must know in your head that you did everything possible and you could not have changed the ultimate outcome, but the guilt and the re-thinking still happens over and over. Your dad would NEVER think you let him down — you did so much for him!! but this grief is just not rational, not at all.
In the beginning my anger was so bad that I was mad at EVERYONE for being alive when my mother isn’t. I still have those moments, especially towards my in-laws, since they don’t seem to appreciate the fact that they’re still alive and able to see my daughter, when my mother isn’t. And I still have those moments and I still don’t want to socialize or talk about inane things with people – I blew up at my husband a few months after my mother died because NOBODY would mention my mother in front of me and that’s ALL I wanted to talk about, all I could think about. It’s as if the rest of the world has forgotten, as if no one is aware that the world stopped spinning on its axis on January 22nd, 2007. I could only be with my mother’s dear friends and my “adopted” brother, because they were the only ones who would cry and grieve with me and talk about her last days. It’s so necessary to do that – painful as it is, you can’t just go on as if nothing happened. Though I, too, spend hours at a time just pretending it never happened, but reality always intrudes somehow. I think the denial trick is a wonderful coping mechanism and I still won’t admit that she’s gone, because if I fully accept it, I’ll go insane. The anger is a better outlet to channel the extreme emotions you feel at this time – or it is for me, though it’s somewhat scary.
I’m sorry for rambling – just want you to know that your pain and anger, though unique and indescribable, is similar to mine and you should try to be easier on yourself – easier said than done! I don’t think there are any words to truly comfort at this time, but venting does release some of the emotions, so vent away. Pain like this can never be understood by people who haven’t gone through it themselves, which is why I always turn to this board for answers, affirmation and venting.
I wish you peace and eventual relief from at least some of your anguish-
JoyceOctober 11, 2007 at 10:50 pm #17278thecdrMember
Jules, I am so sorry and all I can do is send you a <<<<<
and tell you that it is OK to be angry, it is your right and privilege. CANCER SUCKS!!!! period, end of story. It is evil, it is a thief, it is a murderer. God bless you and your dad, how blessed you both are to STILL have each other, even if only in spirit. As I tell my son, even when I am gone, I am still his mom and he is still my son, because we hold each other in our hearts forever.October 11, 2007 at 10:39 pm #770julesParticipant
I lost my Dad on 23rd September. The only way I have been able to function is by pretending that he hasn’t gone. Infact I can’t believe fully that he has, it just doesn’t seem possible. At times the pain is absolutely unbearable, I have tortured myself thinking – should we have done this differently, should he have taken this drug – stopped that treatment and tried something else…maybe he would still be here now? He relied on me to help him research and decide his treatment options, did I let him down? – I feel like I have failed him.
I cannot stop thinking about the last weeks, how much it tore me apart to see him so weak, so thin. I just wanted to scream, at times I have felt so angry at this stupid sodding cancer. I resent the way that it took over, dominated over lives and left my Dad so depressed and fearful. I am now left feeling that I can only relate to others who have experienced something similar. I shy away from people who I feel will just say something that will upset me or make me angry. I feel angry that this cancer is overlooked and that here in the UK we are reliant on charitable donations to fund vital research projects into this disease. I want to look into this further and I am approaching cancer reasearch uk to establish the levels of government funding. Just how reliant are we on fun runs and charity shops? – cancer is wrecking lives, conquering this disease should be a government priority. I don’t want my dad to be another statistic. I have lost my best friend, I have never felt love like it. He was everything to me and my world feels shattered without him in it.
I miss you so much Dad, so so muchxxxxxxx
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