Anthony died on 30th July in a London Hospice
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Dear Pauline,
I find it very hard to go back to the places we shared and also to the hospital where Jim was treated so often and where he passed away. I think looking at photos was a much better choice. I do that often and it does bring me back to happier times. I only wish we could have had more.
I’m told I need to try new things and find different ways to find some peace & joy in my life. Different from the things Jim & I shared and enjoyed. Unfortunately, I would still be enjoying those things if he were here and find I have no interest in new and different things. So, where do we go from here? I haven’t figured that out yet. Hopefully in time this will change.I hope things are going better for you now. Are you now in Italy or still in London? Know that I am thinking of you as you reach the end of the second year without Anthony. I am right behind you. It is hard to believe that we have come so far, but in many ways I feel I am stuck back there where it all ended.
Take care Pauline. I hope you find some peace and comfort in Italy this year. Keep in touch and know that I am thinking of you.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaJanet
I wish you the best of luck with your knee surgery. I will be thinking of you and hoping all is going well. I’m glad you are enjoying the choir & wine on the beach it sounds wonderful.Love & Hugs,
DarlaI forgot to mention that I have joined this great choir,they practice down near the beach each Thursday night while drinking a glass of red wine(1 only) and I have found it great for the spirit.
Marion,thanks for your good wishes for the knee surgery,its the inconvenience I dread.Who will do the shopping etc.Russell and his friend are flying to LA and then planning to make their way up the coast to start with.They are keen on the national parks JanetJanet….good luck on the surgery. What better time than winter to undergo these interventions? This is a great opportunity to curl up on the couch with a good book. Where is Russ heading to in North America?
Best wishes,
MarionHi to everyone,Pauline,Darla,Teresa,Margaret,Marion,Sue,Julia and all those who visit this cosy,comforting thread.I have not posted for a while,we are in the depths of winter here and even though we dont have a severe winter it is pretty dreary,the short days especially.
I injured my knee at work and it turned out to be a torn cartiledge(medial meniscus)so I will have surgery next week.I have never had an operation or anaesthetic before!I have also had problems with my jaw,tmj stuff,stress related.The boys are all ok and Russ sets off in a few weeks for a trip backpacking around North America for a couple of months.
I hope you are feeling ok now,Pauline,I dont know about that idea of going to the hospital or hospice.I am not sure it would help.I think places that have happier or neutral memories are easier on us at this point.
I found I was ok with the anniversaries of birthdays,wedding anniversaries etc but the anniversary of the onset of Joels illness and then his death were trickier.
It was me that said it was a form of post traumatic stress,Darla and my GP who suggested it to me because of the unexpectedness of the event particularly for you when it was so quick it was like a rollercoaster.
Anyhow,take care all and enjoy your weekend Janet xDear Margaret,
It is good to hear from you. Please don’t ever feel you are intruding. You have lost your husband to this terrible cancer too and we are all here to support each other. I am sorry you didn’t have access to a forum like this seven years ago. We really find it very helpful to link with people who understand how we feel and I hope you will too.
I wonder if you are a teacher as you have this end of term problem too. For me it coincides with the anniversary of the last few weeks of my husband Anthony’s life and I find it such a difficult time, compounded by everyone else’s joy at the start of the long summer break.
Like Darla I still don’t think I have really grasped what has happened and, even though Anthony and everything that happened to him, is constantly on my mind I still feel very confused about what has happened.
I thought of going to the hospital today where Anthony spent so much time. I thought I might just sit in the cafe by the main entrance and watch people pass by and let the memories flood in. However, I still feel unwell and didn’t want to pass on my germs. I then thought of going to the garden of the hospice where Anthony died but I thought this would be too painful. In the end I looked at some photos of happier times and felt a bit better.
As Darla says, Margaret, we have a lot in common, so please come back here at any time and tell us how you are.
Take care
With love
PaulineMargaret,
You are definately not intruding. I am glad you have joined us. Believe me, you are not alone. Several of us lost our husbands and other loved ones very quickly and yes, it is shocking. For me it is nearing 2 years and I still have a hard time believing this really happened to us. Someone suggested that it could be similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Not sure about that, but I do know I am not even beginning to understand or get over this and don’t think I ever will. Losing a loved one to this disease is like nothing else I can ever imagine. We all have so much in common and share so many feelings. I found this site, Pauline and the others a few days after Jim passed away and I don’t know what I would have done without all these wonderful people and all the support I have gotten. Pauline lost Anthony a month before that, so we have been in this together pretty much from then on. She really was there for me at a time when I felt no on else understood.
It helps to know others are dealing with the same issues that you are and that you are not crazy and you are not alone. Please come back any time. We are all here to help & support each other. Reading your post confirms what I have felt for some time now. We never really get over this, we just learn how to live with it and try to go on. Take care Margaret.With Love,
DarlaHya Margaret and all
Welcome.For me it was the shock and caring for my husband also at the time of Alans diagnosis that stopped me in my tracks.
He was so fit and healthy, had no worries and enjoyed his work and life.I feel I know what happened to my husband, but still feel I do not know what happened to Alan in 8 short weeks. From start to finish.
It is ironic that you wrote of a radio play for a good friend of mine has spoke to me often about writing a book one day about Alan’s life and what happened.Without this site I could not imagine how I would or could have managed as everyone I have spoken to has never heard of cc.
We are never alone on here, for we are bound together for ever with love and comfort in our daily lives. love and light Alans mom.Helo Margaret…by no means are you intruding. We welcome your comments and welcome you to our site. Please, stay with us and share your thoughts.
All my best wishes,
MarionSorry to intrude in this dialogue but I have read this thread over time and found it as intriguing as any radio play. I could not believe that I had not found this at the right time for me (2004) but have since found that it was not in operation then. I have read your stories and found so much in common… I lost my lovely man in a few short weeks and have been in shock almost ever since.
Reading of Pauline finishing her term has terrific resonance with me. I, too, finished the summer term today and I have not been able to make any effort to arrange anything this year. I came home, realised I should have been so happy and thought of C and what might have been…
Thank you all to realise that I have not been alone in my thoughts after this terrible disease.Margaret
I think of you a lot, Pauline. Coming up to such a significant anniversary & being hit by ‘flu at the same time is a very tough combination to have to deal with. I’m looking forward to coffee & cake
when you’re back.Have a goooood holiday.
Jxx
Thank you Teresa, Darla, Marion and Julia for getting in touch with me. I really value your support. I just wanted to let you know that I have taken it very slowly this week, partly because I have got a bit of flu as well, and am feeling a bit stronger again. I have reflected and have spent some time doing some work on the albumn I have been making of our life together. I can’t often bring myself to do this but it helped this time as I remembered lovely, happy times.
I am going to Italy on Tuesday and have had supportive messages from my neighbour who were worried when I told them I wasn’t going this week as planned. It is good to know that people understand.
Thank you again everyone for your support. Let me know how you are!
With love,
PaulineOh Pauline, Yes, you are so right, this time of year is very hard to deal with. I too think back to what we would have been doing now and it is hard to believe that I will never share those things with Jim again. I understand how hard it must be for you to have to go to Italy alone when you have so many great memories of your times their with Anthony. Having to see & listen to others making their plans and not being able to look forward to going or doing things we used to enjoy is so hard to face. All those wonderful memories of shared happiness that we will never have again. We can act as if we are going on with our lives, but as you said, it goes no where for us. We have every right to get off for a while. We need to be able to do that. We need to be able to relive these days, both good & bad as that is all we have now. I’ve been told I need to find new things to enjoy, but how? I enjoyed the life I had. I don’t want a new life. I want mine back. I like you have been doing my share of crying and hope that in a way it is a good thing. We need to be able to let go and let our feelings out.
Theresa, I hope you are right and that some day some how we will understand and be able to put this all in perspective and honor our loved ones in the best way we can, by living life as they would want us to. For now the pain, torment and sadness is all still too overwhelming.
Pauline, Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. I willl be thinking of you and sharing your sadness. Take care. I hope that being in Italy will somehow give you some comfort and that some day we will all be able to find some joy & happiness in life again.
Love & Hugs to All,
DarlaDearest Pauline and all of us.
We do try to continue to do our best to keep going do’nt we.Some days I do not even wish to get out of bed, I find mornings so hard to get going.
I think no matter who or where, grief is so deep and intense it takes such a long time somehow make sense of it all. As you have written Pauline such pain such torment and so many tender memories.Somehow one day I feel I will learn to honour Alan’s life for he lived a life with such righteousness. As for my hubbie, he lived with diabetes from the age of 17years (2 injections everydayfor 56years) and did his role as husband, father and great friend to his sons with such courage.
I feel someday, somehow we all will have to get of the conveyor and just stand still.
We must honour them all, for I feel everyone associated with this site and cholangio carcinoma is a pioneer for a future generation where others will have no need to weep for the lives and the love of their family members.love and light to you all
Alan’s momHello everyone,
I am thinking of you all as usual and hoping you are getting along as best you can. For Darla and I this is our very difficult time of year, isn’t it, Darla? Anthony and Jim were both living their last weeks 2 years ago at this time.
This terrible time coincides for me with the start of the school summer holidays. On Friday the schools in Leicester, where I work 4 days a week, broke up. Everyone was wishing each other happy holidays and asking where people were going. I remembered how this day used to be when I would rush excitedly home from school to see Anthony and get ourselves ready for our drive over to Italy for the summer. That first evening in London, prior to setting off, would usually involve a rather spicy curry from the local take away and a few glasses of red wine, either French or Italian. A few days later we would set off and spend a night in France and another with Tony’s brother in Switzerland en route to our home in Tuscany. Such happy times!
On Friday, I returned from Leicester at about 6.00pm and I arrived at St Pancras station where I get the local train home. However, this time I didn’t want to continue my journey. I didn’t want to go home. I sat in a cafe in St Pancras thinking of the empty summer ahead, of going to Italy once again alone and just cried for the life and the love I have lost. After a while, I pulled myself together and came home. I had a plane ticket booked for Italy for tomorrow but realised I just didn’t want to go. I have come off the conveyor belt that keeps me moving and takes me nowhere and I just want to stand still for a while and cry.
So that’s what I’m doing. I will go to Italy next week but for now I am reliving the last days and nights I spent with my lovely man. So much pain and torment, a few beautiful moments and such overwhelming sadness.
I will be back soon to speak some more.
With love
Pauline
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