August 23, 2013 at 5:35 pm #74148claremParticipant
I have just replied to your other posting. At the time I did not appreciate you are a young widow and have a young daughter. My sister who was 41 died in March her daughter is 4 years old. We are just beginning on the journey of helping her, my brother in law and older nephew of 18 years with their unwanted and new life.August 22, 2013 at 10:36 pm #74147cmParticipant
Thank-you for sharing, I am 2 years into my life as a young widow and I find myself back here where it began, I struggle to find fulfillment in this new life though I am blessed with my daughter who is now 4 years old. I am grateful to you for the honesty in your words. XxAugust 3, 2013 at 1:55 pm #74146paulineMember
Dear Lainy, Darla, Marion and Clare
Thank you for your lovely replies and for the support you provide. I think of you often and known that we share so much and understand each other well. It has been a tough time for me again this summer and there are still lots of tears when I am alone with my thoughts and memories. I feel calmer now that I have left London where all those terrible events took place and can relax in surroundings that held happier memories.
Take care everyone and thank you again.
PaulineAugust 1, 2013 at 10:21 pm #74145claremParticipant
Just beautiful words written to your husband.August 1, 2013 at 4:25 pm #74144marionsModerator
Pauline…I know well all that Darla has mentioned. We have been friends for many years now and our friendship will continue forever. Your description of Anthony so well fits the description of you too, dearest Pauline. I know that you will be taking in the beautiful Tuscany countryside and bask in the memories of your wonderful Anthony.
MarionAugust 1, 2013 at 3:35 pm #74143darlaParticipant
Well said. That is a beautiful tribute to Anthony. As you well know I share your thoughts and feelings. I feel like you have written exactly what I too am feeling. We have been through all of this together although living in different parts of the world.
I think of you often and was wondering if you were in Tuscany as you usually are this time of the year. Enjoy your time there and try to keep remembering all of the good times. We both have a lot of good memories. I know it isn’t easy and all the rest keeps coming back to us, but we were both fortunate to have had what we did even tho’ it didn’t last as long as we had planned.
Take care Pauline and know I am thinking of you and picturing you there under the Tuscan sun.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaAugust 1, 2013 at 2:07 pm #74142lainyParticipant
Dear Pauline, this is the most beautiful tribute to your husband and I know that he knows what you are feeling. He on the other hand is NOT sad because there is no sadness there, but as he looks down on his loving Pauline he feels pride, happiness, strength in you, beauty and most of all more love than you can ever imagine. Wrap yourself in good thoughts of him and it will carry you forward.
I think about you now and then and was hoping you were living the way he would have wanted you to. It is so good to see you on here with this wonderful ode to your love.August 1, 2013 at 12:44 pm #8688paulineMember
In these past few sunny July weeks in London I have thought of you as always, Darling, and have felt again the overwhelming sadness that the memories of July 2008 always bring. I find those memories so terribly painful that I try to push them away, such is the terror that I find there. I try to replace them with thoughts of happy times together but, of course, those memories can’t be avoided and so I sink to near despair once again. For those events are part of me and will be for ever, marking the end of our happy lives together and the beginning of my ‘lesser life’ where I struggle to find meaning and where the concept of happiness is just a memory, occasionally recalled in dreams.
I have built a life of sorts, Darling, with the support of a few very good friends. In fact, people who don’t know me well, think I’m fine. They don’t see my sadness and loneliness because I choose not to show these to them. I have kept my surroundings as they always were – in our home very little has changed and I keep to familiar routines for I find security in this. I continue to work and to help with the grandchildren, who are growing so beautifully. I go to Italy at the same times and these give structure to my life.
But, what I need to tell you, Darling, is that there is a deep sadness and emptiness inside me where the love and happiness that we shared used to be. I still think of you all the time and am constantly aware of how shallow the world is without you. But mainly, what I need to express is how grateful I am to have been loved by such an exceptional man – so clever, so erudite, so interesting, so funny, so sensitive, so dynamic and so insightful. How amazing to have been loved by a man who was always the centre of every situation, challenging ideas and frameworks and guiding and supporting people to help them move forward in their lives. You were a hugely attractive man with a wonderful personality so no wonder I am still in love with you now as I was 31years ago when we met in another world ….another life.
I am writing this letter in Italy, looking from our kitchen window at the beautiful Tuscan countryside, framed by the Apennine Mountains and I recall the many happy summers we spent here – walking in the hills and sitting outside in the evenings, chatting and drinking wine late into the night, planning our retirement and looking at the stars.
Thank you again, my Darling, for all the happiness and richness that you brought to my life for 27 years. You are still my inspiration and my guiding light.
I love you now and for ever,
I will quote John Donne to express my love this time:
All other things to their destruction draw,
Only our love hath no decay;
This no tomorrow hath, nor yesterday,
Running it never runs from us away,
But truly keeps his first, last, everlasting day….
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