April 23, 2008 at 7:10 am #17076
Hello everyone, Betty, Patrice, Charlene Teresa and Joyce,
Gosh, what a lot of different replies!
Charlene, it is still so fresh for you. It took me several months to recover from the horrible bits. I just kept reminding myself that in the bigger picture of Mum’s life, the suffering at the end was a small blip compared to all that had gone before. It is so so painful to watch someone you love suffer. I hope that time will give you the healing you need.
Teresa, I cannot imagine for a moment how it feels to lose a child, oh my, I love my kids so much (like we all do) and the thought of out living them is one of the few things that scares me in life. To now be losing your husband TOO. Oh love, what can I say, I can only send you love and strength. My heart goes out to you.
Thanks for enjoying my Mum Patrice! I also know what it is to cry reading other people’s stories.
Betty, life must be strange, losing your man, and now your job. Maybe you can find some voluntary work or something? I hereby award you the official Yard of the Month cup!!
And lovely Joyce, I know how hard losing your Mum hit you, and hope that life is slowly getting better for you! If I ever ever come to New York again in my life I will be looking you up for sure!
This site is another place that always reminds me of the kindness of strangers! With conditions like CC, status/country/nationality etc are rendered unimportant, and we are reminded that we are just people, families, helping to support eachother. Out of the ugliness of it all there is beauty too.
Much love to you all, those who have added to this thread, and all who come here.April 21, 2008 at 11:38 pm #17075betty-winborne-johnsonParticipant
Teresa – my heart just goes out to you. I can’t imagine going through this unbelievable hurt more than once in a lifetime. About four weeks ago I lost my job after 42 years. It was really a more reorganization and since Sam was the plant manager there, I seemed to be a thorn from the past; they wanted their own people in key positions and I guess I can understand that. Together Sam and I had over 80 years. Everyone seemed to think it might take me “over the edge” but there is no hurt that can ever compare to losing Sam; losing my job was just one grain of sand on an entire beach compared to what we went through. It has made me miss him so much more because Sam and I were workaholics and now I have all of this time on my hands and no family close by. I have been doing a LOT of yard work; I should get “yard of the month” – ha-ha. It does seem that I have been in a nightmare for so long and I am sure you feel the same way. But Teresa, I truly believe that when God closes one door, He WILL open another for me and for you. I just keep hoping. Please know that you are in my prayers and I really hurt for you. God Bless.
BettyApril 21, 2008 at 11:20 pm #17074pderatMember
Thanks so much for bringing me up to speed Kate ( + Jeff ) I loved the video of your Mum and her pets. What wonderful memories. There was a day when I could have read all these posts and been stoic about it all but those days are gone. I cry all the time reading other peoples stories. Thanks to all of you for sharing your joys, memories, and sorrow. what a wonderful community we have here! Every moment in life is precious and many of your stories have helped me to live in the now all the time. PatriceApril 21, 2008 at 9:08 pm #17073teresaMember
Jeff , Joyce and everyone.
I too found your moms life so uplifting at this time in our lives.
In a funny sort of way she made me smile when I didn’t want to smile.
Her life was a great story and reading about it all made some sort of sense to me and I am sure to many others on here about the gentleness of living life as it should be. She was a very brave woman.
My special time will be on the 30th April and it will be 2 years.
Alan’s partner dina still visits, but has made a fairly new relationship and I am happy that she can go on with her life. His friends continue to phone and talk and tell me things about alan. Many things a mother doesnt know but make me laugh and feel proud that he was a good, honest, healthy, clean living son.
My grieving still goes on, but I know in my heart nothing could be done.
My lovely boy never stood a chance.
I have been lurking on here most of the time but not able to write too much.
I read on here of the joys (when things are going well ) and of the sadness when all of our lives, our loved ones and the people left behind are suddenly cut short by cc.
Even in these last few days one of our hospitals has sent me a letter and could not even get the name of cc correct.
( chorio. carcinoma) This would be a miracle.
The letter is so badly written and states that the medical staff had seen this before it came to me. This person is the deputy chief executive of the trust.
If they cannot get a letter right how could they have saved my son ?
I am now in the process of losing my husband of 49 years. Not to cc I add.
He has end stage kidney failure and other stuff due to 56 years of insullin.
Very, very poorly now.
Betty, I remember you describing about Sam and how he became and I am now going through pretty much the same. It is once again a terrible time in
my life and I feel so helpless. Very weak, very tired and really tearful.
As a family we have managed to raiseApril 21, 2008 at 8:27 pm #17071celoiParticipant
It’s me, celoi, (Charlene), David Cook’s daughter,
This “Grief Management- Babbling of a grieving person thread is a great idea… I know my mind wonder WAY BACK……
My father passed Dec 30, 2007 and my life has not been the same officially since diagnoses June 21st, 2005.
I did ALL I could humanly do. I am actually still in totallshock that I do not have my father….I never ever imagined in my life, I would be with out him. EVERY Sunday morning, betweeen 9-10am, I relive being at Hospice- ALL the drama from previous days as my father, lay taking his final ‘baby breaths! My dad was a very dignified man, with a large heart and always cared about others. I am very angry that its my father in a box! He was tired though….I can only imagine. My father passed at 9:50am on Sunday morning and I can not get out of my mind, his breathing, so softly and there was nothing I could do, but just watch. Every Sunday morning, I relive that moment!
Its not one day, or hour that pass, which I do not think about my father. We were so close. I try to think of the happy times with him, that keeps me going. He loved me so, so much and I will never forget him.
I personally think ‘people’ think you are stupid when you do not speak up..thats not the case.
When my kids cry periodically about losing him, it saddens me even more that they do not have such a warm person as my father in their life now. My youngest said he missed PaPa laughing at him. Yes, my dad was so full of life.
He wrote me a letter which I found after he passed and I read it over and over….
My dad was a wonderful man…April 21, 2008 at 3:41 pm #17072
Nice to hear your smiling e-voice again! I just wish I was feeling verbose so I could win the world’s record for the longest post and put all of you to shame!
I’ve said before how much I love your Mum, Kate – and like Jeff said, that video of her really struck me. I even showed it to a few family members, who probably thought “Why am I watching this video of a woman I don’t know?” But it’s beautiful and inspiring.
Glad to hear you’re collecting all the precious memories. I still have work to do on that score.
All the best!
-JoyceApril 21, 2008 at 6:57 am #17070
Her name was Prue Corlett, Patrice! She wrote a book about her travels called These Vagabond Shoes! Still available on Amazon, but horribly expensive for some reason, considering it was never a best seller! Here are links to photos of her.
This one is of me and Mum shortly after she came out of hospital having had her resection in July 2007
This one is of Mum at her caravan on the Greek Island of Kefallonia
This is the video that shows Mum at her eccentric best, with her animals! Never fails to make me smile!
Thanks for your kind words Jeff, and Patrice.
Jeff, Joyce and I have always vied to have the longest post ever on this site!! I’m pretty sure you are in the runner up bracket!!
You keep smiling too Jeff, and keep on enjoying your life!April 21, 2008 at 1:55 am #17066jeffgMember
Hi Patrice… Jeff here… Click on Kate … then show all posts… then page 4… My Mum…. In the post is two links Click on the first one and there is a picture of kate and her MUM.
Jeff G.April 20, 2008 at 3:05 pm #17069pderatMember
Hi Kate-what is your Mum’s name? I have looked all through your posts but can only find “my Mum” and I would love to connect a face with her but don’t know which face to look at. LOL Best to you-
PatriceApril 20, 2008 at 1:23 pm #17068jeffgMember
Hi Kate, Long time no hear! Just want to say Hi and tell you your Mum and her video painted an ever-lasting picture in my mind. Living on a Greek Island in a casual, free, and simple way. Living with the beauty of nature and enjoying the peacefulness of it all is so serene to me. Kitty Cats and birds galore. Your Mom was a special one of the kind Mum who won’t be forgotten. What you shared and how you introduced and spoke of your Mum is like I’ve known her for years. I really envied her style of living care free as the wind blows. She was a women full of wisdom; I’m lucky to be able to color in a coloring book, let mine paint and sell my own paintings. Kate just wanted to say you were a loving and caring daughter and took the bull by the horns at the time it was needed and you came through with flying colors or colours(proper English you Know). Because of you, your Mum left this world feeling loved and with great dignity. Keep on smiling!
God BlessYou and Family,
P.S. I think you and Joyce have a close match going for the longest post. Ha! tootles! Cheerio! for now.April 20, 2008 at 9:00 am #17067
Well, a year has passed, officially tomorrow in fact, but a year ago last Friday night was when Mum finally left us.
On Friday I got out the letters she sent me over the years from her travels. I sat up till 3 am putting them in date order, and filing them! Then yesterday, it was raining, so I took my kids to town to a play centre, and whilst they were off frolicking, I sat down with a flask of tea, and began reading them! What a treat! I’m not even half way through, but it is so nice to read back on the last years of her life. She left UK in 1989, and wrote to me regularly from wherever she was (mostly Greece/Italy). What a woman! What an inspiration! Needless to say I still miss her, but I don’t feel so bad now. My big black ball of sadness that I previously described is now a small pink smooth one, and no longer lodged in my stomach, it is now firmly planted in my heart! I just feel very very lucky that she was on this earth as long as she was. NOT LONG ENOUGH mind, but I am thankful for knowing her as long as I did.
I have sent her picture through to Faces of CC today, so hope she will appear there in the next few weeks.
Much love to you all. I don’t visit here so often now, but I will always be grateful for all the support I was given from everyone, and most grateful that I found this site when I needed it, because I feel that with all that went on, it would have been so much less easy to bear without your support.
Lots and lots of love to you all
Kate xOctober 7, 2007 at 9:20 am #17065
Don’t worry Joyce, the thought that you were trying to “downstage” my grief never even occured to me! I’m just very aware that my suffering could be alot worse.
Yes indeedy, here’s to our Mums, hip hip HOORAY for the wonderful lives they led!!October 6, 2007 at 4:15 am #17064
Thanks, Kate – your posts always bring a smile to my face – you have such a distinctive voice that comes through. You sound like a very well-balanced, upbeat and hardy person!
I don’t want you to think I’m downplaying your own grief, as I know it is just as painful as mine as and that grief just can’t be quantified or compared. I think you know what I meant, and it’s just harder to fill the time and the days when your time used to be shared so completely with another person. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if my husband or daughter died — but then I have to think of something else, because it’s really unimaginable and horrifying.
You had a special bond with your mother and your love for her was so sincere because you understood that she needed her freedom and her independence, and you let her go without rancor. And she respected YOUR freedom -now THAT’s love! Not your conventional mother-daughter relationship, but just as deep – even more so, because you each valued the other’s happiness over everything else. It sounds like she was very much your friend as well as your mother, which was my relationship with my mother, too. No hierarchy, no guilt trips. My husband’s parents are very much into the “we’re your parents and you owe us and we still lay down the law,” which is totally repugnant to my individualistic spirit. My mother and I would laugh and laugh when I told her about the way my in-laws would try to lay down the law and give my husband orders about how we should live our lives, because if my mother ever did anything like that to me, I’d tell her to go to hell – and she would certainly have said the same to me!
Here’s to our mothers – so special and so missed.
JoyceOctober 5, 2007 at 11:56 pm #17063
Joyce, what a lovely post! It was nice to hear more about your Mum!
If I had had my Mum around all the time, I think my loss would be harder to bear. Losing a loved one is the pits, whichever way you look at it. But I feel other peoples losses very much, because so many of you have had your loved ones around on a daily/weekly basis. I can only imagine what the loss of that regular contact must feel like. It must be absolutely devastating. My Mum moved to Greece about 18 years ago. I would see her every year, but it is not the same as sharing your life with a person, and having them die. It must leave such a gap in your life. Like Patricia with her husband, to name one of a few. And Jules who has spent the last 2 years battling this on a weekly basis with her dad. I do not mean to leave ANYONE out of this, each and everyones stories touch me deeply.
I guess I could be upset that I didn’t have my Mum around for the last 18 years, but the thing is, she was doing what she wanted to do. When she first left, I used to feel angry at times that she wasn’t around to help me with the nitty gritty parts of life, when I could have done with her being around. But, that passed, and I just felt proud of her, that she had followed her dreams. Funny thing is, even though she wasn’t here physically for me, she was in later years (she was homeless, by choice for at least the 1st 9 of her years away), contactable by phone, when she eventually decided to get a mobile phone, and that was somehow enough. Her love and unconditional acceptance of my life, was always with me.
However, I digress. The point is, when you have a week by week existence with a loved one, their death must surely be harder to cope with. How could it NOT be?
I feel very keenly how much losing your Mum has affected you, and your everyday life.
Bloody annoying really! Yes, I also get the feelings about “TOO SOON! SHE SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE TIME!!!”
Grief does seem irrational sometimes. But is it what it is, ultimately. Grief.
Much love to you Joyce!October 4, 2007 at 1:08 am #17062
I think I have you beat when it comes to long posts, and you’re a bad influence, because I’m so tempted to just write down every little detail of my mother’s illness now, too — I’ve always been much more of a writer than a talker, and it really DOES help to purge some of the demons when you write it all down. Don’t worry – I won’t do that- well, not completely!!
Yes, the last days and the indignity of it all really does stick with you – it makes me angry most of all — but then you remember all those great years and it’s some consolation, but it also upsets me because there could have been so many more years like that. I just can’t get past it.
I know you mentioned that we all know that our parents will go before we do — well, I guess I never really accepted that, and still don’t – I’m stubborn. Funny thing is, I would occasionally tell my mother before her illness that I hoped she didn’t die before I did, because I wouldn’t be able to go on living without her. The last time I said that, I mentioned that I was worried that she might not live another ten years with her autoimmune hepatitis issues — and the phone rang about 20 minutes later and it was the doctor telling her that her blood tests came out abnormal. What bad timing on my part!!
Anyway, I was the baby of the family in every way even though I’m supposedly all grown up with a family of my own — and my mother and I did everything together, lived close by and had more of a friendship than mother-daughter relationship. We just shared everything. She was a terribly nervous driver so I drove her a lot of places, and she returned the favor by listening to my complaints and giving me perspective, making me laugh and helping me with my difficult daughter. I’m not saying that your pain is any less than mine, it’s just harder to go on with your life when your day-to-day activities involved that other person so completely. That’s why the death of a spouse can be so devastating – there’s a void there that cannot be filled and the days are empty of meaning when you used to see that person every day and share every little stupid event with them. I spent most weekends and 1-2 days of the week at her house, which was a gathering place for all our misfit friends (we collected stray people and animals) – and now everyone is at a loss, scattered to the four winds. I’ve had a few get-togethers at my house for everyone, but it’s different and my place just isn’t as carefree and comfy as her house. We finally have her house sold, the closing should be soon, and I just can’t be happy about it – that house was a shelter for all kinds of eccentric beings, myself included!
You’re lucky your mother had such a positive attitude, as I’m sure that helps immensely – unfortunately, my mother, who had the most wonderful, sarcastic sense of humor and could cheer ANYONE up, was just devastated by the thought of dying. She often said she wasn’t afraid of dying, just felt bad for the people she’d leave behind. She just wasn’t ready – she had so much to live for – and I think at the end we’re ALL afraid of death when it gets that near. And the pain — yes, that was her biggest fear, and it didn’t rear its ugly head until the end but it was enough to make me give her enough morphine to probably hasten her death. I’m grateful the pain is gone, but I still want her back, healthy and whole.
I admire your mother and her adventurous spirit (loved that clip of her!)- though my mother didn’t go anywhere exotic, she was a lot like yours – she sowed her wild oats when she was younger, though, and then turned her house into a carnival of fun and silliness. They both lived their lives they way they wanted to, on their own and on their own terms, so they definitely had lives that were well-lived. I know all this and I’m so proud of my mom, but the child in me refuses to accept any consolation. I just want my mommy back, irrational as that may be.
Anyway, I’m done purging for now.
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