Being detrimental — warning… This is not a happy post
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Kris,
It’s so very hard to do all of the right things and have things still go wrong. I understand your frustration and exhaustion with it all. I often wondered if I had enough fight in me to fight another battle.
Eat that steak, drink that wine, you are entitled to live. Try and control the things you can and you deserve to be able to vent.
Then I have no doubt that you will pick yourself up and dust yourself off and begin your next fight when you are ready!
Feel free to contact me directly if you need some ‘private’ venting.
((((Hugs))))
-Randi-Kris……eat the steak, dear Kris, and drink your Merlot. Do what your heart desires. This cancer cannot take over your life; at most it may co-exist until it is booted out.
Hugs and love,
MarionOK,Kris, so I am waiting for the bad part! Don’t you think you need to vent now and then? Who ever told you in your life that you must be little Miss Perfect? And who the heck is going to say you cannot have a steak say 2 X a month. You don’t want to snap out of it because its somehow more comfortable to hide behind negativity and don’t get me wrong you have every right to feel the way you do but why waste all that energy on KRAP! As for the boyfriend, I remember that and we all pretty much came to the conclusion he was a looser! OK. Lecture over with an invite to come to Phoenix and stay with me a few days! I am 3 minutes from 3 Steak Houses. No snow, complex pool being resurfaced and ready first week in April hot tub, work out room and Lots of Kareoke. Sometimes a change can work wonders. Say, my daughter is your age, well a year older and you would have fun with her as well. Just think about You never know how strong you are until “strong” is the only choice you have. See what I did? I blew all that steam back at you. Man, its like a Sauna in here!
I am going to blow off some steam, so beware if you read any further. I m feeling sorry for myself and have Nowhere else to blow off some steam.
2 years ago yesterday I was told I had this rare cancer called cholangiocarcinoma. It took me 3 tries to spell it right. I looked it up on the Internet and figured I had a death sentence. In the past 2 years I have followed doctor’s orders and been a good girl. Or a good patient. I tried to limit my processed sugars. I quit eating meat. I quit drinking. I lost my boyfriend because of the stress. My first rounds of chemo did a great job killing the cancer, but also killing part of me. I had to take a break. The crap grew. We tried another kind of chemo, during which time the crap grew some more. My chances of ever having a resection were taken away. A year ago I was told to put my affairs in order. Then we tried radiation. It worked great! Everything went quiet and I thought I had a shot at a semi normal life.
The first part of conversations no longer contained the word cancer. 2013 came. Everything was still good. I only had to get rid of the 2nd cataract (chemo induced) and I could have normal conversations again!! And find a part time job. Boy,do I miss a good steak. But it’s for a good cause. Well, Monday I found out the cancer spread. All the treated areas are still nice and quiet. But there’s this new area. /$&**!!!
Since then I don’t want to be a “good patient”. All I really want to do is have a steak, get drunk and yell about things being unfair! So far, I’ve been getting the drinking thing done. Still haven’t gotten drunk, but I think I’ll buy a bottle of merlot and hole up on Sunday. I’ve had more alcohol since Monday than in the past 2 years.
I know it’s bad for me, but I don’t even want to snap out of it. I’m an emotional wreck and heading for a brick wall. Last night a friend sang “Lean on Me” at karaoke to me. I cried like a baby. In public.
Im tired, and I just can’t seem to get back on the horse. I’m not looking for sympathy… We all have our troubles. And I know I should be thankful that I’m mostly healthy. But I’m f–ING tired of this crap and I just don’t want to play anymore. Don’t worry; I’m not contemplating anything drastic. I just don’t want to play this game anymore. I want to get rip roaring drunk and have steak.
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