Discussion Board Forums Grief Management Butch passed away on October 9th, at peace and at home

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  • #23491
    darla
    Participant

    Joyce,

    I hope you had a good day. It sounds like you are trying to keep busy & that is a good thing. Enjoy Tuesday. Celebrate by remembering the good life that the two of you had. I know that Butch will be there in spirit & in your heart & memories. You are lucky to have such nice weather. It was warm here a week ago (70’s) & now it is cold & there are snow flakes in the air!!!!! I am not ready for that yet.

    Sue, You are lucky to have that family. What would we do with friends, family & each other. Yes, we are like the 4 muskateers! My thoughts are always with all of you also.

    Love,
    Darla

    #23490
    uksue
    Member

    Hi Joyce,
    Just made such a disjointed posting on the other thread! But I think it did me good. I came here tonight very weepy, but feel more positive after reading all your caring remarks. It was Ray and my second marriage, but I feel he has given me the gift of his family – I am an only child but now I have sisters, brothers, step children and step grandchildren (but to them I am just Grandma Sue, as I was married to their grandad long before they were born). And if anything his death has brought us closer together.
    We must be glad we are loved for ourselves by our neighbours and family – they wouldnt ask us if they were not fond of us for ourselves (not just as a couple).
    My thought are alway with us “Four Muscateers”
    Lots of love Sue
    x

    #23489
    jclegg
    Member

    Hi Darla (and Sue, and Pauline),
    I just read your post and read that today will be two months since Jim passed away. Today will be one month for Butch. I am going to church in a few minutes, and I will say a prayer for all of us- everyone on this board, and Pauline, Sue, you and I.
    It is another unseasonably warm day in upstate New York (has gone up to the high 60’s lately). The sun is in and out . I am so thankful for that! One of my tasks today is to get the snow blower out and learn how to use it! My son-in-law is coming up to do a final raking, and my Brother is stopping in on his way back to his home in Ithaca. So – along with church and the grocery store (my replacement for going out to breakfast after church!), I hope to keep myself pretty busy. Next weekend my Grandchildren are staying with me. Last night my neighbor invited me over for beef stew, and Tuesday my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are taking me out to dinner – Tuesday is my wedding anniversary and they remembered, God love them. Since it was not my first wedding, and Butch didn’t want a fuss, we flew to Las Vegas and got married there on Veteran’s Day in 1995 – he was a 53 year old batchelor at the time, and it took some training to get him used to marriage! He became very good at it, though, and we shared a wonderful life.
    Hope all three of you have plans for today, and I will be thinking of you. Sue – it was so good to hear from you (on the other posting, I mean!) I have become so attached to all of you, and interested in your progress. Many good thoughts all of your ways.

    Love – Joyce

    #23488
    darla
    Participant

    Hi Sue,

    I’m glad you had a better day today. It was cold & sunny here also. I guess I have to agree that getting up early is better than the long dark lonely nights. I tend to do the same as you. Getting things done & organized in the early hours. I also have an indoor hot tub spa, so some days I do “luxuriate” & read for a while. There too tho’ there is sadness as it is a 2 person spa that we sometimes enjoyed together. I too check this site & my emails, then sometimes look at some of the news on line however most of that is also depressing! My sister gave me a journal & I have yet to be able to write in it, however, it has been 8 weeks since Jim passed away & Sunday it will be 2 months, so I think it is time to start. I think it will be helpful. I like the idea of group hugs, so will send them along too!

    Every one keep taking care of yourselves. I know our husbands would want us to do that & to be strong. This site & all of you help to make that possible for all of us.

    Love,
    Darla

    #23487
    uksue
    Member

    Hi all, had a better day today thank you. I had some VAT returns to do for my company which has kept me busy for two days, also the sun shone – although it was cold it looked cheerful.
    I agree this will be the worst winter of our lives, but I am sure the thing to do is to plan something for each day to keep ourselves busy.
    Long dark nights dont appeal. I actually dont mind getting up early it is better than staying up late. In the morning you can get jobs done, get prepared for the day, luxuriate in a lovely long bath and before you know it it is light again! I also find it is really useful to check this site then, because of the time difference between the UK and the USA there are often more postings to read and it helps.
    But in the evening there is the empty chair there to remind you….
    So at the moment I am filling up my diary!
    Sending you all strength and hugs – group hugs!
    Lots of love Sue x

    #23486
    darla
    Participant

    Hi Joyce,

    You were up at 4:30 & I was up at 5. I guess we are going to have to force ourselves to stay up later so we can hopefully start to sleep a bit longer. Now that it is dark so early & will be worse next week when the time changes, it sure is going to be hard. I actually saw snow in the air yesterday. That was really depressing! I think this is going to be a long hard winter for all of us. Together with the help of each other & our husbands watching over us we will get through this. Have a nice day.

    Love,
    Darla

    #23485
    jclegg
    Member

    Hi Sue,
    Sorry about your “down” day – hope today was better. Saturday was my bad day – it rained all day, and there were grey skies – inside and out! I guess we habve to have these days, but, boy – it is tough when it hits, isn’t it? I have to do some talking to myself, and Butch, and God to get through. Tonight I didn’t ger home until 8:00, so I am headed straight to bed – woke up at 4:30 this morning – that is just indecent!

    To all of you –

    Love,

    Joyce

    #23484
    darla
    Participant

    Hi All,

    Interesting that we are all experiencing the same things, again. I do believe that these occurances are signs from our loved ones that they are OK & that they are watching over us & we also will be OK.

    Sue, I hope today was a better day for you. I know how those down days feel. I too have many relatives & friends I could call, but sometimes I just feel I need to be alone & work through these things myself. Everyone take care.

    Love,
    Darla

    #23483
    uksue
    Member

    Hi Everyone, well I had my first big “down” day yesterday. I just felt so alone, even thought I know I have loads of friends and family just a phonecall away. So I took Poppy for a walk to the church to Rays grave. It is amazing, most of the flowers are still alive – we had mostly white lilies in the wreaths and they were all opening up. Ray is in a lovely place in the graveyard, and the sun was shining on him. I feel I did my best for him but I miss him so much. But Joyce, your experience with the lights made me shiver. We have motion activated security lights on our garage which only come on in the dark, for three days after Ray died, the lights were on permanantly all through the day, and now they are back to working normally! So I take it he is Ok there according your logic!
    Pauline, I am so sorry about your car – it is the little things that turn us to tears isn’t it? It will be good for your to have your friend with you there, have a bit of “girly” time – sometimes I am sorry for men, they dont always communicate sp well as us girls do they?
    I am glad the sun shone for you – I hope it continues to shine!
    Love to all,
    Sue

    #23482
    carol58
    Participant

    All of you women are amazing – Darla, Sue, Lainy, Pauline, Joyce, Rachel and many others. I really admire you all. Keep talking and keep holding on to each other and to all of us.

    Carol

    #23481
    darla
    Participant

    Hi Joyce,

    Well, it seems that we are still all experienceing the same feelings etc. It is comforting to know that we are not alone. It appears that all of this is just a part of the “normal?” grieving process. Atleast you have the first day of work over with. Hopefully every day will be a little easier to handle. I too start to feeling sad & sorry for myself & all of us, feeling why me? why us? then have to take a look at the broader picture. We are not alone. There are many more who have & will be going through similar losses. We will all learn how to survive in our own time and way. We have no choice. Atleast we have each other & the many wonderful people on this site to help guide us.

    Lainy,
    I too think about the possibility that we may all be able to meet some day. Wouldn’t that be great? Who knows, maybe some day



    Well, my friends, here’s hoping you all have a nice day. Hopefully one day we will be able to achieve more good days than bad.

    Hugs & Love To All

    Darla

    #23480
    lainy
    Participant

    Hello Joyce, and again I think you girls are doing amazingly well and am a firm believer that Butch is watching over you. You may also want to read Sylvia Browne’s first 2 books. They are extremely soothing, so to speak. Perhaps one day a group of us will be able to meet. I think about that often. I have been telling people that I have all these new friends and that when I come on this site, I just feel so much comfort. Well, got a busy day today as my daughter, her fiance and her 4 kids are coming for dinner for T birthday. She is 46 and calls T her “real daddy”. What a gift we got to have a blended family of grown children who thnk they are really brothers and sisters! Tell Butch to keep those “signs” coming!

    #23479
    jclegg
    Member

    Hello Everyone,
    I meant to write yesterday, but yesterday was a “down” day – it was very depresses. I went to work on Friday, but yesterday it rained all day, and I didn’t even get everthing on my list done – just couldn’t. This morning I am going to church, and this afternoon some boys from the youth groups are coming over to rake my leaves – Butch asked them to, before he left us! I have hurt my shoulder, so can’t this year.
    I was amazed to read about all the electrical things going wrond, lights on and off, etc. That is EXACTLY what has happened to me!! In fact, about a week before Butch passed on, he told me that if there was a way to get word back to me that he “got home safe”, he would do it – didn’t know if he could, he said – everybody trys it and you don’t here about many successes, but he would try – didn’t know what he would do, either – lights on and off, ect. – depended on what was available. I reminded him of that promise – once on the last day. Well, the night he passed, the jockey outside where our lawn light is went out for the night shortly after he died. It is on a timer from 7 till 11:00 PM – it goes on and off at that time every other night. That night, my cousin looked out at 9:15 and it was on – she sid “I always think that jockey light is someone turning in to your driveway, so we KNOW itwas on. He passes around 9:20 and we called hospice. When she looked out because she though hospice had pulled in, it was around 10 – jocky was out and didn’t come back on that night. It was fine the next night, and every night since. Many other strange things have happened, and things like the garage door openers are still acting up. Butch didn’t wear his watch for quite awhile before he passed on, but when I cleaned out his dresser, I looked at the watch – it is stopped at 9:20! I think we can all safely say that our loved ones let us know that they “got home sfely”, and are watching over us.
    I forget to tell you about Flashy. That night, both Flash and I were sitting on Butch’s bed – Flash with his head on Butch’s stomach. When the spirit left Butch’s body, Flash jumped up, howled and yelled and ran barking for the sliding glass doors – he wanted OUT, scratching on the doors, etc. Since that day, he has never looked for Butch – he is sd and he KNOWS hew is gone.
    I was tending to feel that divorce was better than separation by death – I have been thru both – my prior marriage ended in divorce – but they are both truly awful – death is just final. Also, at the end of the marriage that ended in divorce, I was emotionally distanced from him, and that helped a bit – I just miss Butch so much – this sadness is much deeper.
    I know what you mean about the kitchen chair – I have moved over to his chair – that seems to help a bit – at least I am not looking at his empty chair! I am so glad I have you three to communicate with – you are all brave, wonderful souls, and we will continue along this journey together. I gain a lot of insight when I read these postings, we – the 4 of us – are a composite of bereaved spouses everywhere, and what we are going through has been gone through by millions upon millions of people since time began. I tell myself this when I get desparately sad – that we will get through this just like they all did. It helps me to put it in perspective. It IS amazing to me how similar events are amongst us.
    I know what you all mean about talking to people – some people get that “deer in the headlights” look if we head for that subject. I know a couple of people who have lost their husbands (and wives, actually), and they seem to be able to deal with this just fine – know what to say, what not to say. etc. You DO Just learn who you can say things to, and who you can’t.

    I hope everyone has a good day – we should look forward to a time when the good days outnumber the bad days.

    Joyce

    #23478
    darla
    Participant

    Thanks Lainy for your kind words & support. It is interesting that you should mention Sylvia Browne’s books as my sister recommended them & I have recently purchased two of them & am in the process of reading them. I have been following your posts & am amazed at what you & Teddy have all been through & how well you are handling you situations. Losing Jim so fast & furiously has really been hard to accept & understand, but I know that what you two are going through is no easier. Good luck on Monday with the Pet Scan. I will be thinking of the two of you & hoping everything turns out OK. Tell Teddy to keep the “ATTITUDE”!

    With Hugs & Love,
    Darla

    #23477
    lainy
    Participant

    Hi Darla, I cannot imagine what you are going through as I cannot imagine life without Teddy but it sounds like you are a solid survivor. Perhaps the kind of strong love you had is what is getting you through. As for the favorite light turning on and off I am a believer and for me, that is Jim and he wants you to know he is near you and watching over you! I used to fear death and then I read Psychic Sylvia Browne’s first 2 books and erased any fear I may have had. In the books she talks about things like your lamp episodes and how to look for signs of loved ones. I think you are doing as well as can be expected and we are all with you!

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