October 20, 2008 at 12:27 pm #23461
I too like you & Pauline have pictures everywhere & find myself going through old ones all the time & reliving the experiences connected to them. I have a favorite of Jim that I keep with me all the time. I also sharing your feelings about breakfast alone. Jim & I went out every Sunday & Wednesday for breakfast & then spent the rest of the day doing whatever we decided to do. I also have not been able to go alone. My one sister & I get together almost every Wednesday for breakfast, but that is the closest I can get right now. It is nice that you have Flash to keep you company. It seems that dogs do have a sense that we do not. Our dog passed away years ago & we never got another one. We both thought that was traumatic as, like you, the dog was like another child to us. I never dreamt that I would be dealing with the loss of Jim. I never even gave it a thought much less tried to prepare myself for this. I can’t imagine anything else that could possible compare to the great pain, sorrow & void that I am feeling now. I think we all feel that this is somehow surreal, but atleast we have found this site & each other for comfort & support. Nothing can change what has happened to all of us. Our lives will never be the same, but since we have no choice but to deal with what we have been given in life, it is good to know that others care & share in our loss & grief. Take care & keep in touch.
DarlaOctober 20, 2008 at 1:25 am #23460
Pauline and Darla,
It helps me so much that you have shared your experiences with us. In the weeks preceeding Butch’s passing, when he was on hospice, I was reading your entries each day, knowing that I would soon be joining you. And now I read sue’s posting and feel such empathy with her also. It does help to be communicating with other people who have travelled the same path that Butch and I did. This whole thing is still sort of surreal. I know what you mean about pictures. I have our wedding picture on the dressor in the bedroon, and I kiss him goodnight each night before I go to sleep. Our poor dog – we have a 5 year old Italian greyhound named “Flash”, and he is so sad. He spent more time with Butch than me, as Butch was retired and home during the day. He was with us on the bed (we had the hospital bed set up in the living room) when Butch passed away. He jumped up, howling, and ran to the door barking – wanted out of the house! He has never looked for him – just knows that he is gone, and mopes around, with sad eyes. He wouldn’t even eat for a few days – he is a little better now. I am so glad I have him – he and I are mourning together. He is getting a LOT of attention from me, I can tell you, and he sticks pretty close to me these days. Dogs seem to have this sense, and they know things that we can’t figure out how they know them, don’t they?
Going to church did help, once I was there. I have never gone to our church without Butch, so that was traumatic (a big “first”). For now, I have to skip the going out to breakfast which we always did after church. Eventually, I would like to be able to go out to breakfast myself, but am not up to it yet.
Thank you so much for being here for me. Somehow, it helps to just write this down, and get it out. I have always been an independant person, with a great career that i will be returning to. Imagine – I can’t even go to breakfast alone – Butch would laugh at me.
Love – JoyceOctober 19, 2008 at 10:06 pm #23459paulineMember
I just want you to know that I understand exactly how you are feeling and it’s so terribly sad and painful. I like you still go over and over those last few weeks and feel tormented sometimes. I also miss Anthony all the time and the house is full of him. I do actually find this a comfort though and I also like to put photos up around the place so that I can look at him as well as think of him.
I found, after about 4 weeks that I could start talking to Anthony and this really helped. I also found that it helped to go out for a walk and think of him. I have asked him for advice on what I should do and I have imagined his replies. I find this comforting too.
It’s such a difficult process and I think you just have to take it slowly, not pushing your self too much but, at the same time, giving yourself small things to achieve on a daily basis.
I don’t know how we cope longer term. I miss Anthony terribly all the time. I do know that Darla and I have supported each other a lot and that has really helped. Sue is also now going through this and so are you. All our husbands died within a few months of each other of this same devastating cancer. I think the best we can do is to keep supporting each other, keep remembering our loved ones and, as you have said, keep fighting to get better treatment for others with this disease.
Please know that I am thinking of you and please keep telling us how you are.
PaulineOctober 19, 2008 at 1:52 pm #23458
I have a lot of the same feelings. Unfortunately it does get worse instead of better, but it seems to go in waves of ups & downs which I think is rather normal. I do have some good days & then some bad. It has been almost 7 weeks for me which is almost as long as Jim was sick, so thinking about that is making me sad. I have no real answers for you as to how you will feel or for how long as I still haven’t got it figured out myself! You never really expect to be in this situation, so you really don’t think about it or plan for it. For now I am just going One Day At A Time & sometimes its 1 minute at a time!!!!! Some days I feel like I am coping pretty well & others I am an emotional wreck. Hopeful going to church today will give you some comfort. Everything now is one first after another. I am finding that almost everyday there is another first time alone situation to deal with. As you said, after so many happy years together it is so hard to think of having to go on alone. Know that I am thinking of you & that this site & all of the great people on it are here to help & support you.
DarlaOctober 19, 2008 at 12:21 pm #23457
It has been 10 days now, and I am having a very hard time. I was able to get through the 1st few days in pretty good shape, and I thought that each day would get a bit better. However, I am now feeling incredible sadness, and depression – I guess I crashed! I have another week before I go back to work, as I have many things to do first, but – this house is AWFUL for me right now. We bought this house together just before we got married, and Buch loved it so. I have always loved it also, but it is so big, and everywhere I look I see him, and it is just so sad. I want to remember the good times, and there were SO many, but right now I am remembering these last few months and all he went through. He was always my emotional strength – I am a worrier by nature, and he was not – he held me up. I am praying God will give me the strength to get through this. How long am I going to feel like this? We had such a happy life together, and it has been so many years since I have coped with grief that it actually frightens me. Can someone tell me how to jumpstart my coping mechanism? At least it is Sunday, and in a few minutes I am going to church – we were not able to go for quite a while, and this is another first – going alone, but – I think I will feel better.
Joyce C.October 17, 2008 at 12:00 am #23456
That poem is just beautiful – thank you so much for sharing. I am so, so sorry about your Father. I do think that what is helping me the most right now is to know that we are making these attempts to fight back – the Oprah letters, the veterans claims to (maybe) force the government to speak out to undiagnosed Veterans, etc. Everytime I look on this board and see that people are banding together to help, I feel a bit better. I also believe that our loved ones who have gone on are guiding us along this path towards victory over CC.
Joyce C.October 16, 2008 at 12:47 pm #23455
That is lovely & so appropriate. You made me cry!
DarlaOctober 16, 2008 at 3:10 am #23454rankMember
Joyce, I’m so sorry to hear of Butch’s passing. My dad passed on Tues Oct 7th at 8:30pm. Even knowing that it’s coming does not make the pain of losing a loved one any easier. We had the following printed on the prayer card for the viewing and rosary for my dad…
God saw that he was getting tired,
And a cure was not to be.
So He put His arms around him,
And whispered,October 15, 2008 at 1:02 pm #23453devoncatParticipant
I am so sorryfor Butch’s passing. Your last days together sounded beautiful and full of love. Big hugs.
KrisOctober 15, 2008 at 6:32 am #23452uksueMember
I know exactly what you mean about your last few moments being beautiful, I felt the same with Ray on Sunday. It is all we can ever hope for at the end. Take strength in knowing we are all going through the same thing. Love SueOctober 15, 2008 at 4:06 am #23451tiapattyMember
I could feel your love for Butch in your posts, I am so sorry you have lost him.
PattyOctober 13, 2008 at 9:48 am #23450mercedesParticipant
I am very very sorry for your loss. I hope time will help you find peace in your heart. My prayers are with you.
MercedesOctober 13, 2008 at 4:31 am #23449sophieMember
Dear Joyce, my deepest sympathy to you and your family at the loss of your husband. I know that you are comforted that he was peaceful and able to express his love for you. I am just so sorry, Joyce, and I pray that you are going to be able to find some peace and comfort as time goes on.
God Bless You,
SophieOctober 12, 2008 at 10:46 pm #23448jeffgMember
Joyce, I’m so very sorry to hear your Butch has passed on. It makes me feel so happy, that your Butch was able to pass on so peacefully. Also being able to mouth “I love you” before departing was such a moment to cherish forever.
God Bless You,
JeffOctober 12, 2008 at 10:11 pm #23447cjfrancisParticipant
I know how you are feeling at this moment as I lost my husband in January 2008 and I’m truely sorry for your loss. My husband Gerry was also in Vietnam and I believe with all my heart that he also returned from Vietnam the parasites or because of Agent Orange or both. So if you make any headway with VA I’d sure be interested to know. Cathy
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