CC taking its toll on all of us
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Thanks all for the love and support! I do ring dad every few days to keep in touch but would like to be there with him more. I know that dad understands that i do my best and that i am there with him when i can be. I also understand my daughters behaviour is more to do with the tension at home. I’m just feeling overwhelmed by the situation at the moment.
Thanks again
KimKim,
It is so hard when you have to split yourself in two or even three! When my Dad was battling cc I spent everyday with him but I did live 2 minutes away, I can’t start to imagine how I would have coped if I’d have lived a distance away. At the end I didn’t see my son or husband much but I wouldn’t change a thing, I knew that my Dad was on limited time and that I wouldn’t get that time back again. Whats strange is out of what was the worst time of my life brought a closeness between Mom, Dad and I, that I don’t think I would have experienced without cc.
My Dad was very stubborn and right until the end didn’t want any strangers coming into the house helping him. He did love the District Nurses that helped change his external drain but that was all the help he would have. Luckily he was never in any pain. Although no physical pain he suffered mentally not being able to do things he loved to do, he was also the one we always went to when things needed doing and it was hard for him to have to receive help.
Please don’t feel selfish, you have to look after yourself too. You will find the strength from somewhere and when the time comes know when you need to be there. Don’t bottle it in, speak to your husband and daughter, tell them how you feel and ask for help. Times like these family need to stick together.
Take care x
Kim,
I am so sorry. My dad, too, has been fighting Cc for 13 months and is getting worse. We are meeting with hospice next week. I moved from Denver to take care of him last year and barely see my five year old daughter. I am so tired and worn down I cannot put it into words. I am sorry so many of us feel this way, but I am grateful for the year we got with my dad, that we would not have gotten without all this.
Kim….All of us can relate to you being overwhelmed with the situation. Who would not be? There is no 101 cancer care education in our background. You are not failing rather you are trying to do your absolute best in a very difficult situation.
All my best wishes,
MarionHi Kim, honestly we all know what you are feeling. I like what Pam said about calling Dad daily. I also feel that some of what you are feeling is the pre grief in loosing your dad. And I too like the idea of talking to your daughter and husband and asking for their help. As long as Dad is not alone all the time (his sister is there) you do the best you can. You cannot beat yourself up or you will not be good for anyone. I too used to sing and cry in the car. Are you the only child? Perhaps your daughter is not acting out because of your dad but rather for what she “feels” at home between her parents. It is no doubt a tough time. When the Palliavtive Nurses up their visits then you will know time is getting closer. Your dad will probably not get angry that they come more often because he may feel that at that point things need to be that way for his comfort. See if you can skip a visit here and there and take care of yourself.
Kim,
Please don’t ever worry about expressing how you feel on this site! I know how hard it is to be in two places at one time.
I remember all the trips I made from New Bern to Greensboro. It’s only about 3 1/2 hours but I can (and have apparently) driven it in my sleep. I racked up 37,000 miles on my new car in less than a year. Fortunately I was able to come and go at work as I please…sometimes driving straight to work and getting there at midnight or 2 or 3 and then going home grabbing clothes and heading back to Mom and Dad’s. It took a toll on my sanity and my health.
Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing (except maybe to have done it even more). My marriage did suffer but my poor husband was always there for me. I was so brittle in my tiredness and emotions that anything could set me off. I quickly learned that anything not absolutely necessary could be let go. (And I had the messy house and chaotic life to prove it!) I learned screaming and crying and singing at the top of my voice in my car was so therapeutic! I only hope I never passed anyone I knew while doing this!
It might be helpful to have a family meeting and tell your husband and daughter how you are feeling right now and ask for their help. Tell them how torn you are between being there for them and your Dad. Ask for their advice on how you can make this work.
In the midst of all of my chaos, my daughter (the only granddaughter of 4 grandchildren) desperately wanted her grandmother at her wedding so we moved it up. From August to December I planned and executed a formal military wedding. I’m happy to say my Mom was able to dance at her Granddaughter’s wedding.
It was the most chaotic, emotional, challenging time of my life, but I accomplished what was most important.
I promise you that you will find a deep strength in you, that you never knew existed. This board was my lifeline and it can be yours as well. We are all here for you and have broad shoulders. Come here and vent or question anytime.
Hugs!
Pam
Kim, you are very justified with your rant. No need to feel guilty because you are torn in two! I remember the feeling quite well. I was in the middle of retiring and moving to another state when my dad’s cc was discovered. My husband had already moved and it was an additional six months before I could move. I had six months to spend with my dad but it took a toll on my marriage. Things are getting better but we still have work to do. So I can completely understand where you stand. I know it will be hard, but take a couple of weeks off from traveling to see your dad. He will understand. Have you made plans for when he can not live independently? My dad tried for a few months to live on his own. He became sick very fast and he agreed to move to my sister’s house. It was a big relief once we had a plan. I have another sister who lives in CA. She called my dad daily, sent texts, and emails. Does your dad use Internet or a cell phone? (some older people don’t)
. It might help you to stay focused and calm to talk him in some way daily. Most of all, your dad knows you love him! Time to take care of yourself and family. Plan something relaxing to do with them. I’m sending good thoughts your way. PamDad is 13 months since diagnosis – and boy has it been a roller coaster of a ride. So many highs and lows. His condition is deteriorating, very slowly, he has infact had periods where he has looked better than he did pre diagnosis. His pain meds are being increased on a regular basis and he still suffers from ascites and has this drained fortnightly, he builds abour 0.5litres per day. He is tired and spending more time back in bed as this is where he is most comfortable – and yet he still manages most of his own daily care with weekly visits from the palliative care nurses. He has a friend who cooks for him daily and his sisters live locally.Dad has talked recently about wishing for it all to be over – a very difficult discussion – but i totally understand what he is saying. He is a very independant man and i don’t think he will cope well when he gets to the stage that he needs more care and assistance.
I live 300ks away and the travelling – fortnightly on my days off from work is taking its toll. My17 year old daughter is acting out and getting into trouble at school and my marriage is falling apart. This is really selfish as i am not the one dealing with the pain on a daily basis, I don’t have cancer. But I have had enough also. I feel guilty if i don’t get to dads to visit every few weeks – but if i keep running myself into the ground – i am no good to anyone. I know that i need to step back and look after myself. I thought that i could do this – and i could for 12 months – but not knowing how much longer is so difficult. I know that i should be making the most of my time with Dad – but i also i know that Dad will soon be gone and if i don’t look after things are home – i could find myself with nothing.
This is sooooooo hard!
Sorry for my rant.
Kim
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