checking in/updating

Hi, Lainy,Holly,Shellina,Caroline and Marion!
Thanks for your sharing.
When I am frustrated or angry,I read and write more about this disease , I try to search different ways to say no to this roller coaster ride, I plan more for the financial future for my wife and the kids . I go to work partime as an example to my coworkers that a cancer patient still can be very productive ,the same or even better than those who have no disease. I channel my energy in this way.
And with respect to many of you I know , many of you channel your anger,frustration and life difficulties into extremely productive commitment and benefit to so many that came before or after us. To most of you, just your message about your disease treatment and how you deal with the disease or how you care for the love ones provide substantial encouragement to allow us to reflect upon ourselves the way we look at ourselves at time of crisis.

Am I afraid to die, of course. Am I worry for my wife and kids when I am gone, absolutely. But it still does not give me the right to lash out to everybody at will.

I always think that if this is the journey that God wants me to take, I should take it as gracefully as I can. I may break down at times, but hopefully I can pick it up again with grace and dignity

Finally, thanks for everyone’s love, hugs and kindness and I think it is time to move on to a better path of sharing and friendship .

God bless.

Dear Denise,

I’m so sorry for the roller coaster you’ve been going through. I agree with everyone else about crying. You’re not crazy! I love picturing Lainy crying and singing at the same time. Sometimes I drive on the freeway and just scream really loudly. I probably look crazy doing it, but it helps. I’ve seen my mom cry just once or twice since her diagnosis, but the one time she cried, she cried loudly. It was devastating to listen to, but I think it made her feel better.

I said this in another post also, but as a child, I think it would frighten me to talk about dying with my mom. When my mom mentions dying in the most remote way, I tell her not to talk that way. It’s a defense mechanism. Maybe it would help to talk to someone about how to talk to loved ones about dying? I’m sorry I don’t have something more helpful to say. Mostly, I wanted to let you know how much I’m thinking of you and praying for you.

Caroline

Denise…..I agree with what the others: you are anything but crazy.
I have learned that “a good cry” is good for us, as it releases the emotional build up and serves as a good release of these emotions. It is a normal response to stress, joy, or physical trauma. Holding it in is unhealthy and abnormal (in my opinion.)
Cancer can be overwhelming, not only for you, but also for your friends and relatives. People often don’t know what to say, feel sad and uncomfortable and may be afraid of upsetting you and possibly be frightened about the possibility of losing you.
You may want to reassure them that you will do whatever it takes to fight the cancer and would like their support and encouragement. But, that you also want to be able to share thoughts freely and without hesitation. Give it a try, dear Denise. You might just find that some are more open to discussions whereas others simply are not.
Hugs,
Marion

While it would be wonderful to discuss the possibilities of dying, many friends and family don’t want to hear it. I remember when I was diagnosed I was terrified, and tried to talk to my parents about it. They have been extremely supportive throughout this whole journey, but they will NOT discuss the probability that they will outlive me. There are many hospitals that have social workers that can talk to you, and even give you possible insights you didn’t think of. They can be therapists, but also a source of info for other help as well. I’m pretty sure MD Anderson has people you can talk to. Maybe even over the phone.
And, yes, crying is normal. I cry for myself, but I mostly cry over some of the posts that I may or may not be able to respond to. Think about it: we have been attacked by a mostly unknown and uncontrollable monster. Sometimes we can get the upper hand. But to get there, we can often feel totally helpless and not in control of any of the situation. The possibility of our lives being at stake coupled with the stress of often having to make quick decisions with no guarantees could cause anyone to break occasionally.
I have found strength in prayer, and have come to believe God has a plan for me so I shouldn’t stress about it, but it is still hard to do.
Don’t be hard in yourself. And call MD Anderson and get in contact with someone you can talk to.

Percy, you are one of my favorite people in the whole world and I love your posts, love the articles you find and post for us, love your knowledge, compassion and humility …. I am so sorry that anyone would ever upset you!!!! You have been both a godsend and an inspiration and I think of you all the time. Just know you are beloved, ok?

Denise, everybody cries. I thought that was how we cleaned our eyes out! I used to get in the car slip in the CD Mama Mia and drive around 1/2 hour singing and crying until I ran out of steam! Came home renewed again. My belief is that a patient has a right to tell family what is up. First it is good for the patient and second it’s not fair to take this on alone! I would have a family meeting and say what ever you want. If they don’t like it then to bad and you will quickly find out who will be there to help. Actually you can turn it around after you tell them, let them know what they can do for you. Let them know you will be sending out group emails to say what is new as you cannot keep repeating everything. I did that with Teddy and it worked quite well. Gave an update almost nightly and did not have to keep answering calls. They are not allowing you to do this your way and you feel no one is interested or in denial and that makes it harder for you using your energy worrying about them. Best of luck what ever you do.

Hi, Yes, it is normal to not be able to talk to family and friends about the possibility of my not surviving this? because in reality, nobody really wants to hear it until , like the patients and the caregivers here are FORCED into that situation.

You are not crazy; crying is normal; need to get it off the chest is very normal;
I do the same at times when I am praying; I do feel down at times especially I think I know a lot about this disease but actually I don’t. I feel sorry for all of us, the patients and the caregivers, that I cannot come across fast enough to report tolerable treatment plans for all of us.
And of course, it hits hard when member expressed personal disappointment over the effort that our members tried to provide without valid foundation. I do not enjoy the “unique style of personality or writing”; In short , rather, I enjoy criticism with reasoning behind.
Thank you for this chance to make me feel good to get this out of my chest.

God bless.