I felt a big void when my wife died. Not only was Kathleen missing from my life but I had lost my “part-time job” as her caregiver. That role gave me a purpose and losing her also meant losing that role. The result was a lot of open time to fill and nothing seemed to adequately fill the void. Maybe your experience is similar.
I have thought of you often in the last week and wondered how you are doing. Words seem so inadequate at times like these.
Friends of mine who have suffered losses (one of a partner, one of a child) found comfort in their afterlife questions from several books: Conversations with God, Forever Ours and the Tibetan Guide to Living and Dying.
My Dad has been gone a week and I deeply miss the caregiver / cc-fighter club. There was a point in life, when I grieved for my ‘healthy’ pre-cc Dad, now I miss going to Dad’s appointments, hearing him tell me how tired he is, filling his drink, hearing about his ab discomfort, & desperately seeking answers to the problems of the day. I don’t want Dad to be sick anymore, but I want him to be here…. at least I knew where he was and could see him everyday. There is something so lonely about not being able to see him, or know what he’s doing, or what he’s thinking. Today, for the first time, I’m very scared & questioning what the after life really consists of- and what if he’s alone or afraid. What if his heart hurts as much as mine? Before, energy was focused on finding solutions & options, then pursuing treatment, then keeping Dad comfortable, then staying close so he didn’t pass alone. I thought I would avoid this pain, per the daily tears of anticipatory grief….. but it is different. The comfort that I first felt, when the suffering was over, is fading. Now it’s just deep sadness ….