e-mails
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I always take one foot forward then two feet backwards. While I was eating lunch with a couple of co-workers today, one mentioned something about morphene. It hit like a flash of lightning, Wayne was allergic to morphene. Now I second guess myself if I had told them, I e-mailed his doctor’s office to see if they can look back into his records and see if I did. I then called my therapist, I told her what had happened, she said I can’t blame myself, she said Wayne didn’t fill out his own paperwork? No, I said, he would only put on there what he thought the doctor wanted to here. He said it was not my fought if it had not gotten on there. I have always filled out his paperwork, for 25 years, since his first illness after we were married. I just feel so guilty, and can feel all those bad thoughts creeping into my brain. If I didn’t tell them that could have been the reason he went down so fast. I feel like a failure again, it’s seems I can’t do anything right. In the last two years I feel like this person, who I don’t recognize.
Hi Theresa, I totally understand wanting to save the E Mails! I have a log of the many times (50) I have felt Teddy around me and when I feel lonely I read it. Good idea you gave to make a copy of what I have so far in case something happens to the Computer. He has stopped coming through Music, but I am moving to an apartment and he was already there! I posted the story last Saturday. WOW! At least I won’t have to send him a change of address card! Take care and you do sound better to me.
Today at work I got a e-mail, they are going to delete everything over 6 months old. I thought of all Wayne’s e-mails, that he had sent me. I started reading them and copying. Then I started crying, and crying. I have read these many times before but I couldn’t have his words destroyed, without getting a copy. Some were of complaining, some of love, and sometimes he would tease me when he had a doctor’s appointment, who died and left you boss, I always told him, NO one died to leave me boss I was always the boss. I did notice this time around that after diagnosis, the e-mails became fewer, and fewer. Not long after Christmas of 2009, they had just about quit. He went to see Jesus 2-17-2010. This has been the longest two years, and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Please excuse the writing, since he left it is hard for me to write a sentence without leaving out words, or using a totally wrong words that came from, I don’t know where. I try to reread what I do write, so I can catch some of the many mistakes. Married 35 years plus 2.
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