Extreme Depression

I think I am feeling all of what everyone above has stated. As I posted elsewhere, My husband was perfectly healthy until 7 weeks before he passed away. He was only 62. He passed 1 week after we finally knew what we were fighting, so it went so fast. I never really had a chance to think about any of this until now. I felt cheated, but now am wondering if it was better to have gone this way. Better for him, for sure, but I am now having all these feelings & thoughts that I had no time for before. Fast or slow, this terrible cancer is hard on everyone. I agree with everything that has been said above. I am so glad that there are people here who truly understand what we are all going through. My thoughts & prayers are with all of you.

Darla

Charlene,
I have been teary all day. Your posts really hit home. I’m scared of the future. I turned 50 this year and believe me I am grateful for my birthdays. And I’m grateful my husband has been around all these years. He’e seen his kids grow uo and met a few grandkids and we are very grateful for that. I hate to sound selfish when so many have lost their battle at such young ages. It’s heartbreaking. But still as I turned 50 I thought of the years ahead and I almost dread them. I know that in the next few years I will most likely lose my husband, both of my parents and yes, as stupid as it sounds my dog whose like one of our kids. My 24 year old son is heading back to Iraq for his second tour with his National Guard unit in Nov. for a year. My father is starting treatment for prostate cancer and I have 2 sister-in-laws battling lung and recurrent colon cancer. What the hell happened to the “golden” years ?! Thank God for this site because I don’t have anyone to talk to about all this. I don’t understand why some people have so much to deal with and others seem to breeze through life.I know there are a lot of people having to deal with a lot more but it would be nice to go back in time before life got so depressing. I think you should check into getting some medication. I think I will at some point. Right now my son is still home and everyone is alive and doing pretty well. Like I said before I will stay in my bubble for as long as possible. Take care of yourself, as hard as that may be at times. My prayers are with you and all the others above. And yes, I do believe your mother will help you through!! Best wishes. Mary

I don’t ever click on this topic. It’s too much to think about and bear. I haven’t cried for almost a year. My husband is doing amazingly well. But I’m crying now. I know it is just a matter of time.Our bubble will burst and I will be back to the unbearable pain and fear of watching what you all are now. We went throuh it for months. Watching him vomit, his clothes hanging on him, him sitting in his big chair curled up under blankets because he was chilled and couldn’t get warm.I’d cry for 2 1/2 hours on my drive home from the hospital-I don’t even know how I made it. Everyone praised me for being strong and getting things done that needed done-I was on top of all of it. They still do. But the truth is that if he dies I will be devastated. We have been together 24/7 for almost thirty years. I feel selfish too but I am terribly afraid of the lonliness I will go through when he is gone. I can’t even imagine it.I’m only 50. How can I spend the rest of my life without him? Who will I sit and eat breakfast with? Go to the store with. Rock on the porch with. We do everything together! I will want to be dead too. I know I will. But I won’t be able to say it. I will have to be strong for my kids. But they will go on with their lives. They will miss their Dad terribly. But I will probably sit here in this big old house that he grew up in and our kids grew up in and not be able to function.I’ll put on a good show I’m sure. But this grief (anticipatory grief is what they call it) is already too hard to bear, I can’t imagine watching him die the slow death everyone says will eventually happen.I’m sorry for all of you going through this now. I will pray for you to find some kind of comfort. But I am not going to click on this topic again. I’m going to live in my bubble for as long as I can. And as LTSO said even though he will not be here as long as I want him to be or as long as he wants to be he is here now. I’ll cherish every moment. Mary

Dear fairydrop,
Your post strikes such a chord with me – my dad was diagnosed July 05, at that point he was in liver faliure, bright yellow and very sick, I was with him on the day of his diagnosis, I too was told that he would at best have 7-9 wks without treatment. I lost my dad on this day last month. Over the last 2 and a half years my Dad endured 2 major operations, chemo and commuting every month abroad for immunotherapy treatments. This disease has dominated our lives – the emotional highs and lows included the anguish and pain at bad news, the torment of waiting for results, the hope and joys were always shortlived – this disease is relentless, it just wouldn’t let up – if we tried to go out for a walk in the sunshine my Dad had to suffer the anxiety and humilation of loose and unpredictable bowel movements. How I hated to see my proud dignified father reduced to tears of frustration and so fearful. My Dad did try really hard to live as normal a life as possible, to share good days with us, but there was always this black cloud hanging over us.

Charlene, I understand your pain, you are trying so hard to keep positive like I did around him, it is just so exhausting physically and emotionally, you also have the pain and memories of having witnessed your dear mother go through a similar journey. All I would say to you now is that when you look back you will be comforted by the fact that you were there for your husband on his darkest days, that you comforted him and did everything that you could possibly have done. That is all that we can do. Don’t leave anything unsaid and hold him close to you, comfort him but also find comfort for you – do you have support? – scream, cry if you need to (I know it is hard to do it around them, I used to do alot of crying on my own).

Thinking of you, love Julesx