August 10, 2017 at 6:42 am #95435debnorcalModerator
I am so sorry that you and your husband (and family) are dealing with this, and I agree with the advice given by Catherine and Marion. I also agree that you are in an impossible situation. This diagnosis/prognosis is a massive blow to all of you. I’m so sorry that your husband isn’t able to cope and has shut down. Accepting your comfort would likely ease his pain and fear somewhat, but at least for now he won’t allow that. Perhaps he will be more open to love and support in the near future. For now, I would just be there for him but expect nothing from him. Unfortunately, this is his diagnosis and he gets to choose how he handles it. Try to keep in mind that these are extraordinary times and this is not the husband/father you/your family know and love. I would just be there for him (taking some sanity breaks) and know that soon you will have time to grieve and then start healing.
I hope this advise doesn’t come across as harsh. I know this is probably tearing you apart, and you and your husband should be able to comfort each other at this time. Please lean on us on this board, or vent to us, or whatever you need to do to get through this. We care and are there for you. Your family will be in my thoughts!
DebbieAugust 10, 2017 at 4:01 am #95434marionsModerator
Silentk…..I feel fo you. Do you have a support system? Have you spoken with a psycholoist? You are and your husband are suffering in your own way and both of you need some help.
Hospice should have picked up on this. It’s obvious your husband is suffering from depression and who knows what else. Put pressure on the treating nurse so that your husband as well as you are evaluated for the use of an antidepressant,
Hugs and good luck,
MarionAugust 9, 2017 at 9:30 pm #95432silentkMember
Thank you, Catherine. He has refused all outside counseling, spiritual guidance and even support groups. He makes me feel so guilty the few times that I have left him to run errands that I do not get away from the situation either. My interpretation of the situation is that he is overwhelmed with the prognosis and he is resentful that at some point we are able to move on with our lives and he doesn’t have that option. It is an impossible situation to be in. I will be discussing moving him to the Hospice care center with our kids, then with the Hospice social worker when I feel I have hit the wall with providing his care. Hoping for a change of attitude-soon.August 9, 2017 at 8:53 pm #95433middlesister1Moderator
I am so very sorry to read this; my heart breaks for you and your family. My father died in Feb from lung cancer, and at the very end, my mother physically was not able to care for him so we did put him in a nearby hospice house. Very different situations, but the one take away was that it allowed her at the very end to focus on being his wife rather than his caregiver.
And, I’m not sure if he would be open to it, but hospice also did offer emotional/spiritual counseling for the patient and the family. Would he talk to someone outside of the family?
Take care of yourself,
CatherineAugust 9, 2017 at 5:06 pm #13587silentkMember
I’m writing as a wife turned caregiver to my husband who was officially diagnosed with metastatic choloangiocarcinoma following nearly 4 months of testing. After being referred a top rated university cancer center on the west and the opinions of a review board, liver specialist, a liver oncology surgeon and multiple other oncology specialists it was determined to be inoperable/treatable due to the aggressive spread to his lungs, lymph nodes and the tumor consumes over 80% of his liver. I have read so many positive, heartwarming stories posted by caregivers here, but my story is not one of those (I wish it were). After hearing his prognosis (2-3 months) my husband withdrew from everyone and everything he loved. He stopped responding or interacting in conversations, refused to talk about his feelings and even went so far as to tell the rest of us to not cry around him. I can’t tell you how devastating this has impacted our family. I try my best to be patient and understanding but it is a constant challenge. Since the Hospice nurses have come to visit my stress has reduced some, but I still feel like an emotional prisoner. We had originally told Hospice that we wanted him to stay in the home until the end, but truthfully I don’t know if I can handle it. Wondering if anyone else out there is experiencing something similar.
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