How can I be a widow?

Jolene – thank you for this link; I hope it will help Debby & I know it will help me.

I am so sorry, too, for the awful series of losses you’ve had to cope with. I was aware of how recently you’d lost your beloved dad, but I had no idea of your additional losses of mother & mother-in-law. I’m very glad you are getting support & I am very grateful to you for continuing to give support at what must be such an incredibly painful time for you, too.

Julia x

Debby,

My deepest sympathies to you and your family at the loss of your husband. Even though we care for our loved ones at their most vulnerable times, what we are able to provide to them is so sacred in the most spiritual sense. I was mom and dad’s caregivers for their illnesses beginning 4 years ago. I lost my beloved dad to CC 20 months ago, I lost my wonderful mother-in-law 36 days ago and my beautiful mother 33 days ago.

Like the others, I understand the confusion, grief, mourning etc. It really stinks! Personally, I have put my cell phone on mute, turned the ringer off on the home phone and the volume as low as it can go. I check it when I feel like it. My thank-yous aren’t done yet, either…as I was reminded by an older aunt at church sunday…

I went to a grief counseling group hosted by Hospice. They’ve provided wonderful pamphlets, and call once a week to see how things are or if I need anything. I still feel too numb to talk about anything with them; heck, I don’t even feel like putting on make up, or combing my hair. And they said it was normal! Good to know.

I am so sorry your husband died. I am sorry that you had to see him suffer, and become so dependent on you. I am sorry that you are mourning the love of your life. I hope, that in time, you will find your smile again…and until you do, we all walk with you holding each other up.

with love and prayer,
Jolene

PS: the Hospice gal gave me this website. I haven’t checked it out yet…I plan to, though. I’m told there is some info about grieving on it. I’ll pass it along to you too.

http://www.hospicefoundation.org

Dearest Debby,

This may be a good question for Dr. Giles. (See him at the top of the page).

You’ve summed it up perfectly….of course you’re still in shock. You’ve been a mom, a caregiver, a lover, a spouse, and your beloved is no longer with you. You’ve watched your husband deal with pain and sickness. You’ve taken care of your children, the household and managed to keep everything and everyone together. You’re tired, griefstricken and heartbroken. Why wouldn’t you be in “flight” mode?

I’ve found after losing my Mom in April 2009 that grief is intensely personal and the hardest task you will ever have. I don’t believe anyone is prepared for the work involved in making your way through the grieving process. I was not prepared for the overwhelming physical toil it takes on you. Not to mention the mental, emotional and spiritual stress. I was convinced I might be losing my mind or having a breakdown at one point. I had trouble remembering things and could have a breakdown at the drop of a hat!

I’ve had people I thought were my 100% friends I could count on, telling me to “just get over it”. That it was sad but all the crying in the world wouldn’t bring my Mom back. I’ve had people tell me to “stay off that depressing website”. Some of it is ignorance and some of it is just people who’ve never had to experience what we’ve gone through.

All I can tell you is that grief has no timetable and that it’s different for every person. It ebbs and flows and you really just have to experience it and work through it.

We are all here for you. Please come often and feel free to vent, to mourn and to heal.

Oh and the thank you notes? Just put them on the “I’ll get around to it’ pile. Or if someone wants to help….let them send an acknowledgement card to people. Trust me they WILL UNDERSTAND.

You are so smart to get some help. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. You will get through this.

Hugs,
Pam

Dear Debby,

I totally agree with what both Janet & Katie have said. Jim has been gone a a little over 1 1/2 years and I still feel the emptiness and pain. Everything you are feeling is normal for what you and your children are going through. All of us who have lost a loved one to this disease know what you are feeling & truely understand and sympathize. Grief is a very personal thing and everyones situation being slightly different, there are no set rules. Take all the time you need and do what ever works best for you and your children. It is a very slow and on going process. Our lives have been turned upside down and I don’t think it all every truely goes away. We just learn better how to live with it. I know how often I have wanted to say to people exactly what you are thinking. Sometimes I have tried to atleast say “not so good” or “I have good days & bad” but most just smile & change the subject. It seems to make them feel uncomfortable. How do they think we feel? I hope you are able to let those feelings out to someone who can listen & understand. Wether it be a close relative, friend or counsler. And know that you can always come here to vent & let it all out. We are all here to help each other. Take care Debby and know that I am thinking of you and your children.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

It is a very hard time and I think it is harder when you have kids who are still young.My youngest son was 17 when my husband died and the other two in their early twenties still all at home,the youngest in his last year of high school.I found it such a struggle and still do really.
Sometimes you get a bit of extra energy to deal with all the paperwork etc but lets face it the grieving has been happening since diagnosis and just keeps on going.We know how it feels and it takes time and you need to be very patient with yourself.Do everything you can to make yourself feel better and sometimes it works.Excercise is good
My sincere condolences Janet