How Does One Know They are Grieving?

Last week at the same time as I was bringing Remicade into my life I had a revelation. For some reason I was getting depressed. I decided I needed a break from CC for awhile. When Teddy Passed hardly a day went by until last week that I did not post. As long as I posted and it was usually about T, that kept him with me. Posting what he went through with the CC, Hospice and all the funny Teddy stories. It was as if he was sitting right next to me all the time. Everything came to a head last week and I decided this was not good as maybe I never let him go. I had never cried! Even at the Memorial I had so few tears and that is how it always was. He had drilled in to me to be strong. When I made the decision to take a hiatus I didn’t cry, I blubbered for 2 days because I was not just taking a break from CC I felt I was burying him a 2nd time. I was using towels not Kleenex. I actually felt I was cutting him away from me. The feeling was horrible. It was then I realized I never really grieved. I know we all grieve differently but I can honestly say IF I had a choice I would have made it sooner than later. Don’t fight it like I did, didn’t prove a thing. I am feeling better now but I still think I will just touch base here and there until I get 2 more treatments under my belt. After Friday’s I have Nov 1st then go to every 8 weeks. Again, I miss you all, and I wrote this to say LET IT ALL HANG OUT! It’s OK. I sincerely hope this helps others. It is not a sign of weakness, in fact I learned you have to be pretty strong to grieve.