I want to know….

Dear Sarah,
I cried as I read your post, as you could have been speaking my own thoughts. 2 years, 3 months, 4 days after my mother’s death, and it still hits me like a punch in the stomach when I wake up. My mother had all the answers, like yours, and I know I am soo soooo lucky to have had her in my life, but it just isn’t enough, is it? The world is so empty now.

The only advice I can give is this: talk to people who love your mother as much as you do, cry with them, just so you know you’re not alone in your terrible grief. Nothing can make up for the loss of your best friend – but being around people who don’t understand can make it so much worse. I have a mini-shrine on my desk with pictures of my mother and some of her personal belongings, and my husband thinks it’s “unhealthy.” I don’t share my feelings with him because he has no clue – both his parents are alive and one day he will know what comfort a shrine or any remembrance can bring, even though it brings me pain, too. In short: do whatever you need to do to feel better, and don’t let anyone tell you to move on, get over it, etc. Do it in your own time, your own way. One day it won’t hurt as much — it’ll still hurt, but it won’t take your breath away and squeeze your heart like a wet dishrag.

Sorry such a long post — I really feel for you and your pain. I hope you find a way to alleviate it somehow, even for a little while.

Cyberhugs,
Joyce M

Hi Sarah,

I lost my mom on July 4th, 2008 (which used to be my favorite holiday). I do get upset seeing my friends with their moms and those mom’s enjoying their grandchilden. I lost my dad when I was 3 and at 32 lost my mom. It is so unfair. To know she will never see my children is the most painful part for me. It is hard for me to see my friend’s parents with their grandchilden and know I will never experience that. All of my grandparents had pasted before I was born and I didn’t want that for my childen. My mom would have been the greatest grandmother and I am in tears knowing she is going to miss out.

I also lost my mother in law to cancer 9 month before my mother passed in Sept 07. The past couple of years have been so hard. I know what you are going though. People try to confort you and think they understand but unless they really have experienced this loss they don’t know. All I know is you have to have faith. My mom was like a saint so she must have been needed in heaven for some reason. God picks the good ones that is for sure. Hang in there and take care. I’m sure your mom would want you to honor her life and not be sad. I know it’s hard but I know my mom wouldn’t want me to upset. She would hope that I was still moving forward and accomplishing the goals and values she worked so hard for me to help achieve.

SarahLindsay-

My Grandmother passed away 12/18/08. She was like my Mother but I can’t say that’s the same as what you’re going through at all.

Grandma was the person I called when I had good news or bad news or needed advise. She was the one I trusted when I needed an honest opinion and one of the few people on the planet that could calm me down.

Three times this week, without thinking, I went to call her. The moment of realizing that she wasn’t going to answer and that she really wasn’t ever going to be home again made me think the world was crushing in on me. It was horrible. I have times that I feel like things will never be “right” again.

Christmas and Easter were hard. I cried most of Easter Sunday. She loved Easter.

I can’t believe its been almost 4 months already but there hasn’t been a week that’s gone by that I haven’t cried at least 4 times. The 18th of every month is a give in “freak out” day.

I was her caretaker and she was my best friend. I remember that last week too. All I could picture for months ( and honestly sometimes even now) were those last horrible degrading days. I spent a good chunk of time wondering what else I could have done. Should I have been there more? Did I do everything the way she wanted me to when she could no longer communicate? I felt guilty too. I should have…made her go to the Dr. sooner, maybe pushed for more opinions, been more understanding when she couldn’t eat, had her go the hospice sooner…the list continues. What calms me (once an awhile) is that I know how much I loved her. Tons and tons. I did the very best I could for her and I think she knew that. It may not have been perfect but I was there through all of it and I think that being aware that they knew how much you loved them makes a difference.
What has helped me is looking a pictures of the way she was. I have a framed picture of her on a shelf in my living room from a few years before she was ill. I look at it constantly and tell myself that’s what she looks like where she is now. Maybe even a little younger if she had her way.

Hang in there. Give yourself time to heal. From what I can tell that kind of pain never goes away but it dulls a little. She knows you loved her and she knows that you did the very best you could.

Take care of yourself.

All the best,
ToniaK

You know what… I want to know the answer to that too. In the 2 1/2 months she has been gone, I am struggling more with every day that goes by. I am also reliving Shirley’s last week alive and how awful it was. This is a nightmare that won’t stop!!!!