I will never be the same again since the loss of my beautiful mother
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Dear Desiree, how good it is to hear from you. Honestly I was thinking about you the other day! I remember all those bad events for you and was hoping you were doing better. I don’t know if your Mother visits you or not, I know you believe but have you ever thought that she may feel if she comes around it will only upset you more? Desiree, at 62 you are young yet and I am sure your Mother who absolutely loved life would like to see you enjoy life once again. Your Mother reminded me of an Auntie Mame type of person that everyone loved because she was so much fun and she craved that fun. I feel the best tribute you could give her is to live life again. Very happy to hear you are going to bike again, good news. Try the mirror thing for a couple of weeks but instead of talking to your Mama, talk to yourself and say, “I like you and you are going to be OK”. This is about making you a happy lady again! Kind of sounds like your meds are not working for you and perhaps the DOC might try something else. Please let us know how you are doing and I am waiting for the day that you come here to post the most happy most you have ever written!
Lainy, I had a slip and cry at nights holding my mother’s pillows and sleeping on them as they calm me down. When I thanked you earlier, I was thanking you for the suggestion which I tried but then forgot to do it. . I’m on meds and due to my deep depression my memory has been awful. I know that one depression causes it plus an anti-anxiety medication, Kolopin can cause it. I have panic attacks and miss my mother so much. I go to therapy every week, I quit my job due to having frequent headaches (had an MRI and have a small cyst which is nothing to worry about according to the Neurologist), and I try not to cry. But In the mornings, I cry while drinking my coffee because I remember having coffee and crackers with my mother. I kiss her picture several times a day.
I will try really hard to look in the mirror and talk to my Mama saying ” hi my beautiful Mama, please stop worrying about me. I’ll be okay and I know that I will see you again. I’m just asking for your spirit or soul to stay with me.
Thank you Lainy. I’ll keep you posted but I’m still in pain from losing my mother 2 years ago and I feel like a part of me was taken away from me.
My Aunt who will be 87 in February calls me every day from overseas and tries to make me happy. She was joined by the hip to my mother. So it’s so nice to hear her tell me how much she loves me and misses me. If I lose her, I will be devastated again but not like my Mama.
So far she says she’s healthy and happy and her 48 year old daughter takes care of her. We don’t talk only because I asked her what did she spend the money that I sent her after demanding it for one year when I was broke. She said she no longer wanted to talk to me because I cause her grief. My Mama told me she gave her own 7 carat diamond wedding ring to take care of the medical bills. But I ended up paying for it. She’s extremely rich and tried to take over my mother’s apartment in Paris which I outsmarted her. She refused to give me her death certificate but I went through the State Department and it took 5 months to get it.Anyway, I went through hell dealing with the French law until I finally got it and sold it in three weeks but it hurt me so much to sell it as it was my mother’s nest for 25 years.
I’m trying to sell 140 paintings to an auction house but haven’t had any luck and I don’t want to keep them in the basement. So I’m also sad about that. It also have osteopenia at the age of 61 and osteoporosis in my right hand, so I’m san about that too. It will not stop me from mountain biking next year as I will have a knee and hand brace.
I’m so sorry for going on with my sadness but you opened my eyes and gave me an idea to improve me life. I hope you’re well and hope to hear from you soon.
Desiree, I have a request of you. We have been together so to speak for some time now and it makes me sad that you are giving up your whole life to be miserable. Life is for the living! I do understand what is happening to you, I am just trying to help and am going to ask you to do a very simple exercise. First a little background. I was married at 19 and moved to Milwaukee from Kansas City. For 23 years I lived with mental abuse. I then got up the nerve to run away, if you will. I moved downtown, got a job and for the 1st time ever I was alone. It was then I realized the mental abuse for all those years. Well, I got up and every morning before I even brushed my teeth, I looked in the bathroom mirror and I said, “You’re ok kid, I like you!” In 2 weeks I was like a different person. There was nothing I couldn’t do or conquer! I am asking you to humor me and every morning I am hoping you will say something like, “Hi my beautiful mother, I am asking you to stop worrying about me, I am going to be fine for you and because I deserve it”. Give it 2 weeks and say no more, make it short and make it apply to you. Let’s call this our experiment and see what happens. Please do this for you and for me, Let me know what happens.
Yesterday, November 29th, was the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing! I worked 6 hours, came home to my partner’s son and family visiting from Texas. I was actually able to explain to them the entire ritual of the burial of my mother, which they were very interested in. That made me feel heard and that other were interested in hearing about it. I shared a picture of her grave and her picture.
I miss her and love her so much and I’m still hurting. It will be difficult for me to go to Paris in January, back to her beautiful studio and go through her belongings deciding what to ship back and what to auction off.
Then the worst part will be to give the keys to the buyer, knowing that I will never see her studio again
. Oh Jesus why did she have to go this way? Her loss shattered my heart into a million pieces. I know that she wants me to go on with my life and be happy, but it’s still so difficult for me and hurts to much. I’m still on medication to help me from having a nervous breakdown and other things.
I know that her spirit is always with me and that she has the biggest part in my heart, and that I carry her wherever I go. I miss hearing her beautiful soft voice, her gorgeous green eyes and face, her love for me and her caring, and everything else about her. She has given me the strength to go through the “gates of hell” with the French Laws in order to inherit her studio, which is what she wanted. She didn’t want the French government to take over her studio. Thank Jesus I will have her paintings and sculptures which she painted and made.
My Thanksgiving was sad, and my Christmas and New Year will be sad too. It’s so hard around the holidays.
I feel my mother’s spirit with me and kiss her picture every day.
Dear Desiree and Pam,
I lost my 32 year old daughter 2 1/2 years ago. I soooo understand your pain as I read your posts. Even now, it is still hard.
What I can say to you is that you are not alone…that through grief somehow you will grow as a person…that there will be day when you realize for just a moment, you ‘forgot”, and in that moment will be a mix of regret and relief. And those moments will come more often. And your heart will form a bandaid. And you will smile when thinking of her instead of crying EVERY time. And the “why did this happen?” will not be as painful.
If there was some way I could reach through this computer and wrap my arms around you both, I would. You will survive. I did, and I did not think that possible at one point. I re-found God or I should say, God touched me, and helped me get through the day to day, sometimes hour by hour. You will be with her again and what a beautiful reunion that will be!
God Bless You Both.
Susan, Harmony’s Mom
Dear Desiree,
I am so glad that you have a friend to go with you to Paris in January for help & support. Hopefully once you are back and have her things around you it will be of some comfort to you. I have a close friend who lost her husband 3 months after Jim passed away. We are always there to help and support each other. I hear your pain and know & understand it. Stay strong, take care and keep coming here and sharing your feelings. It really does help.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaHi Desiree,
I understand how you are feeling as I lost my dear daughter, Lauren in June. It is so difficult to deal with grief and different things really set me off. My husband and I were going through some of Lauren’s things a few weeks ago. I thought I smelled her cologne and I lifted one of her sweaters to my nose and it smelled just like she used to smell. I cried and cried for hours. I understand your pain and am feeling it too. Just know there are people that care and hopefully one day we will be happy again. Much love and many hugs to you, dear Desiree.
-Pam
The one year anniversary of my mother’s passing will be November 29th, which is the day after Thanksgiving. She actually passed away on a Thursday. I still have times that I can’t believe she’s gone.
I have some of her clothes in my closet and when I smell them I feel like she’s here. I use her perfume and I have her pictures on my wall which I kiss every day. What a hard life and a tragedy it’s been for me. It’s been hell for me but at least I started working two months ago which has helped me a lot and I’m on anti-depressants and anti-panic medication because I would have not survived without them, honestly.
I miss her so much and she was the only one that I loved and cared about more than anyone in the world. She was the only one I trusted as she always told me the truth. She was my world and now she’s my Angel in Heaven.
I didn’t know she was deaf in one ear but she never shared that with me and I wonder why? I knew she had trouble hearing but never knew about it until my cousin told me. She didn’t share any negative things with me even though she was very depressed, she only shared positive things in life, and wanted me to be positive about life. I always complained about life as I’ve always had financial issues.
She knew she was going to pass away when she told me that she was not interested in anything, which is so unlike her, and that she knew she would never get well again. I should have known that we only had a matter of days together, so that I could ask her some questions and hold her hand. She didn’t like anyone to pity her.
Now I have to go to Paris in January and go through all her belongings which is going to be a nightmare for me, but at least a friend of mine will be coming with me to support me and help me out. I wish I didn’t have to give up her studio as that was her “nest” for 25 years.
She was an artist so I will be shipping back all her paintings and sculptures plus some of her other belongings.
Sometime I wish I were never born. I feel like I’m healing but I’m still broken hearted and hurt so much.
Thank you for reading my pain.
Desiree
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