Introduction, hindsight
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I am a believer, and am counting on that helping me rise above this tragedy.
Like you, I also believe in little miracles sent by my husband. He was a photographer and a writer, first in the newspaper business and then in public relations, and always talked about getting the light right whenever he took a photo.
To my amazement, I’ve had some interesting and funny encounters with light since John departed this world. I think that has been his ironic and funny way of encouraging me to have faith and carry on.
Please do email me. I find it so beautiful that you have received so many visits from your husband. I’m trying to talk to my children about this. So I’d love to hear about your experience.
Thank you!
Margaret
MARGARET please don’t just read what I am going to write but really take it in! You will never, ever have to say Goodbye! I believe that with real love (Like Darla and Jim had also) our guys will always know what is in our hearts. From now on we are so a part of them and they are so a part of us. I know that half the members here think I am a little old nut and that’s OK. All right maybe more than half. I just want to say that I became a believer in the beyond and wowser did that get me through. It all started a week after T passed. I decided to keep a log of all his ‘visits’ and in 3 years am up to 97. It brings me more comfort than anything else. I always have the grandkids alert too for visits from Papa. It seems to help us all. The other trick is when I am feeling really down I say to myself, “shame on you, you had for 16 years what most never have in a lifetime”. That does it for me. I hope you will find some little tricks that will work for you too. Remember its to soon to expect any different than how you feel now. Let me know if you believe and if so I can email you what to look for. Take care and write us as much as you need to, we are glad you found us sorry you had to.
Hi Darla,
Thank you for your reply. I didn’t expect to hear from someone so quickly, especially someone whose experience was just like ours. (Hospice was in our home for a little more than 24 hours).
I thank you for writing the reply and sharing your experience, which also brought me to tears. Perhaps I’ll request the medical records, but take my time reading them or not worry about it for years to come, or maybe never. I can see how it would be terribly painful.
I appreciate your labeling this situation “traumatic” because it does feel as though our family was hit by a bomb, and, like you, sometimes I wake up and think that surely it didn’t even happen. Yet the world keeps turning just as it was before John died, just not the same for me or him. Like you said, I know I have been changed forever.
I was so encouraged to learn that there is an organization like this, for two reasons: John’s battle with this cancer was amazingly similar to that of others, which is helping me understand what happened; and the fact there is a concerted effort to gain information about this cancer so people can fight it more effectively.
Thank you again and I do plan to keep reading the forum, and hopefully some day I can add information that will be helpful. I’m glad, for example, that there is some effort to improve the palliative care, so I may have some comments to make to that discussion.
Thank you again!
Margaret
Lainy, I have ready your comforting and helpful replies to others and have admired your generosity of spirit. In reading your reply to my post, it was overwhelming in its kindness. I appreciated the poem, which I will keep close, as it’s just what I need to hear right now and probably for a long time to come.
It brought me to tears, of course. Well, convulsive sobbing actually, as that’s still where I’m at.
The poem touched me because with John’s speedy departure and the shock that we were both in, we really didn’t get to say goodbye. It was as if we didn’t even know what was happening to us. I am only now coming to my senses, I think.
Thank you Lainy,
Margaret
Hi Margaret,
WOW! I thought I was reading my own post from 5 years ago. Your situation sounds so much like ours with just a few small variations. Jim had just turned 62 and we never even got to the point of hospice as he died the day I was setting it up. I found this site a few days after he passed and have been here ever since. Other than that, your post could have been mine. Our journey was also a short 2 months from active and healthy to gone and I felt much like you and had many of the same questions. I also felt the need to go through all the medical records, but I must tell you that it was very hard and brought back so much and more of what we went through that I don’t think I ever got through the whole thing. The pages are all still sitting on the shelves in the closet. I still try to read through some of it from time to time.
I can tell you that you have found the right place to be. I learned so much and got so much comfort from all the wonderful loving, caring people on this site and hopefully have also helped a few along the way. I’m hoping you will stay with us as I’m sure you will benefit from being here. Here we have all been there and many are dealing with this disease now. We all understand and we all care more than anyone else who has not experienced anything even close to this ever could.
Going through something this traumatic changes you and is a lot to handle, but although you could never tell me back then that I would be OK, I can tell you this. You will survive. Your life will never be the same, but you will be OK. It took me a long time to get to this point and I still have days I wake up wondering if this all really happened and how I have survived, but it is true that we are never given more than we can handle and that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be.
It takes time, and these are early days for you, but as time goes on try to remember all the good things about your life together and although the rest never really goes away, it will fade some and you will be able to take some comfort in remembering the life you once had.
Just take it one day at a time. There will be a whole lot of emotional ups & downs and many set backs, but just keep on taking it as it comes, even if it is just one minute at a time.
Know that I am thinking of you and hoping you are doing OK. Take care and keep coming back.
Lots of Love & Hugs,
Darla
Dear Margaret welcome to our family and I am so terribly sorry about your husband and yes he was young. None of us know exactly about CC ourselves. It has not been proven yet where it comes from and the worst part is one usually does not know they have it until at a later stage. The best cure is surgery but that does not always do it and many times it rears it’s ugly head again. Then again we do carry HOPE as we have some MIRACLES on our Board. The only thing I know for sure are that people on this Board are the kindest, lovable and caring people from all over the world. It will take you some time to adjust to living your “new normal” but things will ease up down the road, I promise that. You have 2 children to focus on and please know that John will be all around you and the children forever.
Letter from Heaven by Ruth Ann Mahaffey
To my dearest family some things I’d like to say
But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay,
I’m writing this from Heaven. Here I shall dwell with God above
Here, there’s no more tears of sadness. Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy because I’m out of sight
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He said “I welcome you,
It’s good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on.
God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do
And foremost on the list was to watch and care for you
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you . . in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth and all those loving years
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.
One thing is for certain though my life on earth is o’er
I’m closer to you now than I ever was before.
There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb
Together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
When you’re walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind
I’m walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind
And when it’s time for you to go . . from that body to be free
Remember you’re not going . . you’re just coming here to me.Hello Fellow Travelers,
I discovered this site a few weeks ago. I wish I’d found it sooner, but my husband’s fight against cc was sudden and totally unexpected.John died Oct. 24 at the very young age of 58. We have two children, 12 and 15. He was diagnosed Aug. 26. In two months time we went from being completely unfamiliar with doctors and hospitals, because we’ve never had illness in our family, to baptism by fire.
My husband was seemingly healthy, we thought. Now I look back and wonder at what may have been warning signs. Now, as a widow, I am besieged with questions about what John and I went through — what is this weird cancer, where did it come from, why did it seek out John, did we do all we could to fight it, etc.? I could barely say the name until I found this site.
We were both so innocent that I didn’t even realize what death looked like, until it took John. And he fought the cancer to the bitter end, so in two short months I think he barely absorbed the idea he was dying.
There are so many things I could address in this message, that I hardly know where to start: the doctors, the medical facilities, the treatment, the path of the disease, the causes, my husband’s good health and healthy lifestyle, hospice, what it was like for him when he died, how this feels like it was as sudden as if he’d been killed in a car wreck, etc.
So I think I’ll keep it simple to start with and just say that there is a part of me, after having read some of the posts that you have left, that would like to go back and read through all his medical records to try and better understand what happened. He and I were so overwhelmed and in shock in dealing with the cancer, that it was as if we were being tossed by waves, rather than having any control at all of what was happening.
Sorry this is so vague and unfocused, but I have appreciated the posts that I’ve read so far and find them very informative, particularly as I try to understand — looking back — what just happened to my husband, to me and to our family.
Sincerely,
Margaret
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