November 30, 2010 at 5:23 am #44550minnie305Member
Lainy, I think I also have a Brand X on my hands. I think I am going to go see my kids up in Northern CA for a few days. We only have one car here but I have decided to rent a car and just go, as long as he is doing okay enough to take care of himself and drive himself around.November 29, 2010 at 1:08 am #44549slittle1127Member
Thanks again for sharing about the crabbiness. It sure helped me as we have had a ROUGH week with the anger and hurtful words. Blessings, SusanNovember 27, 2010 at 5:52 pm #44548kentuckyjackMember
Margaret: Two major things to consider.
From my psychology classes “Father Freud” described anger and depression as something like twin edges of a sword–and it can cut either way (not an exact quote–just my best recollection 35 years later). Depression is “anger-in” or anger directed at one’s self, blaming one’s self for feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes, to fight depression, the patient has to redirect his anger outwards (anger-out), blaming others or outside circumstances for his own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Anger directed outwards is possibly irrational, but can be motivating to get the patient to start doing something, and then that something can be self-reinforcing and ego-building so the patient experiences less depression. Can be painful for the caregiver, though!!
On the other hand, physiological depression is a different beast. I’ve had Gemzar, oxiliplatin, and Xeloda followed by radiation and am now again on Xeloda. After the chemo and radiation I developed anemia–low iron/low red blood cell counts, inadequate oxygen getting to the brain, organs, muscles, and bone. This made me very very tired all the time, and when awake fight to stay awake and participate in life. That state of low blood oxygen and not being quite awake seems to make me prone to anger and depression and verbal outbursts which has alienated friends and family. At times nothing has seemed to work. I got an iron infusion and a blood transfusion, and they helped a little bit. If I could get myself to the gym, the heavy breathing caused me to suck in more air and get more oxygen and that energized and awakened me, but the next day I was very fatigued sometimes, and I began to pant instead of breathe normally after exercise, which is a symptom of anemia. Its just going to take time to rebuild, I suppose. I’m sure other medical conditions can cause crabbiness and fatigue besides the ones you and I have mentioned to this point.
Hope this perspective from another crabby old patient helps you cope with your man!November 24, 2010 at 5:19 pm #44547marionsModerator
Ron…..I agree with Lainy. You have been missed. Thanks for the warm wishes and for feeling free to express feelings many of us can relate to.
A happy Thanksgiving to you also.
MarionNovember 24, 2010 at 1:35 pm #44546
Hi There Ron, so good to see your smiling face, it’s been way too long. I miss your wonderful postings and your great incite of people and life. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving. There are always so many things to be Thankful for. Thanks for stopping by.November 24, 2010 at 12:16 pm #44545duke0929Member
it has been awhile since i have posted anything but i am on the site everyday(or should i say in the wee hours of the morning because sleep, what ever that is has been avoiding me for the past several months). Being a man i always new what a task it was being a married women with a family, especially if the women worked.I would tell my kids that after school you come home do your homework(maybe) and your day is yours to do with what you want….not mom, she still has to make dinner, get things ready for the next day,a load of laundry maybe, what ever, her time is not hers. Although we all pitched in she would still check on everything just to make sure it was done right. i would always help her with the cooking and cleaning but she took care of the banking, bills , the majority of things. When she became ill ,in the beginning ,she was still able to do a few things for herself, but having chemo, surgery and other treatments completely drained her and it ripped my insides out watching a once active women become inactive. So now i take care of everything from a -z. I get angry and pissed-off and we fight sometimes because she becomes irritable and grouchy and things are said that are hurtful and they do hurt. And as a caregiver i believe we have the right to get pissed-off too, for me its the frustration of feeling so damned helpless. BUT we take care of them anyway because i know that if the shoe was on the other foot she would be right by my side helping me anyway she could. So, almost after 3 years of many procedures, fights, sleepless nights and 35 pounds later i continue to go on and will continue until we win or lose this battle. Please excuse the lenght of this post all i really wanted to do was wish everyone a HAPPY THANKSGIVING, so enjoy the day if possible with your loved ones even if they are crabby………ron and lucilleNovember 24, 2010 at 4:07 am #44544
Extremely interesting thread girls. Minnie my heart goes out to you. All I can say is I totally agree with Margaret and Kathy.
We have only been married 16 years but Teddy has mostly been the kindest and sweetest man. I always watched for the other shoe to drop but it never did. See, I was married to a Mental abuser for 25 years, I call him Brand X. Everytime T has been in the hospital the Nurses always comment to the doctors what a gentleman he is and that he NEVER complains. He always says he was trained by the best! He is very much in to his faith which is why he is so at Peace with everything. The Church sends a lady here 3 times a week to give him communion. And he is in to my Faith as well. Honestly, whatever I do there is a thank-you. I just lucked out with him. Like I always say he is a Man’s man and a Woman’s gentleman.
With all that said I want to add one more thing. We have had our share of little disagreements but he knew how I suffered with Brand X and he knew I would not take crap anymore. I guess he loved me enough not to dish it out as he used to be kind of a rougue and changed his whole life/way of living to be with me and have the kind of life he never had. A settled life. I just feel if you don’t take bad stuff from others they will learn not to dish it out to you. Most people do things ‘because they can’.November 24, 2010 at 3:36 am #44543kathybMember
Is it possible for you to talk to someone at the cancer center about this, without your husband around? Maybe you could call his oncologist, or at least leave a message through his secretary. Perhaps there is a social worker/counselor that works with the group that could help you endure even if your husband won’t talk to anyone.
If I remember right, you are now in California with your husband’s relatives? How is he with them? If he’s nice to them, that would just make you feel worse.
Does this seem to be more of a problem for men patients than women patients? My father died (at home) this fall after several months of needing constant care. He was always so polite and appreciative of everything that had to be done for him. Lainy’s Teddy probably doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Do you think it is connected with a person having a faith or not?November 24, 2010 at 3:31 am #44542mlepp0416Member
Oh Minnie, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry that Karl is being that way. In my case, this is very unusual for Tom to be this way, that is why I posted the question! Maybe you just need to simply sit down and have a heart to heart with Karl like I did with Tom. I don’t know how long you and Karl have been married, but Tom and I were sweethearts back in the day and got back together and married 9+ years ago. We will celebrate out 10th anniversary on Feb. 11th, 2011.
I did speak to Tom’s oncologist when I started noticing some of the ‘moods’ and she did prescribe an anti-depressant, however, he refused to take it saying “I’m not depressed”. Well, to be honest, I have now been sneaking it into his daily malts and am hoping to see a change. So far, Sunday, Monday and Today have been awesome and he has been back to his normal cheerful (as much as he can be) self. Maybe you need to speak to his oncologist about getting Karl on some medication also. And maybe you need to speak to a professional to learn how to deal with his ‘anger’, frustration, etc.
I know that this forum has access to Dr. Giles so maybe you could even post a question to him on how to deal with this?
Please just hang in there, maybe it’s just a phase that Karl is going through. Or maybe you need to do like I did and put your foot down and let him know that it hurts you when he treats you that way and if it continues then you may need to take more drastic measures (read between the lines here) and ‘go away’ for a day or so or even a few hours and let him get the message that you are there FOR HIM.
Never – in my wildest dreams when I posted this subject did I even think that there were others who HAD experienced this with their CC person! However, it has turned out to be a great topic and I’m very glad that we got this topic out in the open! That is the one great thing about this forum, we can vent about our frustrations and generally there is someone who has experienced it and can give advice and we can all bounce ideas between one another! There may also be others who can give you more advice Minnie.
Good luck with Karl. Also, let him know that you DO love him and how frustrated you are, and how hurtful is actions are to you.
Go with God,
MargaretNovember 24, 2010 at 3:10 am #44541minnie305Member
I might be a little late but I REALLY have to weigh in on this one. Margaret, you have given me good advice a couple times and I wish I could do the same for you, but my husband, Karl, haas become so mean I cannot even tell you. He goes to his Cancer center and is Mr. Nice guy and everyone thinks he’s so great, but he has become very hateful to me. Nothing I do or say is right. It’s awful. It’s bad enough to watch all this going down but to be treated like the enemy when I’m basically all he’s got is almost unbearable. I asked him about his anger and he insists he is fine with the whold cancer thing and is not angry.November 24, 2010 at 2:07 am #44540tommyMember
Margaret, my wife Judy gets somewhat grouchy after chemotherapy. She is doing the same drugs as your husband. Usually after a couple three days she is back to her same old pretty self. She is pretty tired and wore out for another week. I think my breaks from caretaking come to me at work. I still work full time. I’m in agriculture also. Our work week depends on the weather and the season. Sometimes 80 hour work weeks. It does seem like a never ending ride. Doctor visits, lab, chemotherapy, grocery shopping, house cleaning, transfusions, the list of tasks go on and on. Judy has been wrestling with this cancer for 19 months now. She was always a busy person, working, gardening, taking care of grandkids. That is what seems to bother her the most, not having the energy to be with her babies. We have 8 of them. We are in our early 50s and certainly was not expecting something like cancer to cut our life together short. I know the feeling of wanting to pack up and leave, but you know and I know we could never do that. Our 3 daughters live fairly close to us and visit often. They do call first. We would keep the kids quite often before, now only when grandma insists. I could go on forever about the hassles of this disease but I don’t have it. Whenever I get to feeling really mad at Judy I just remember the reason I married her. I love her. Take care of yourself, relax, have a drink or whatever and keep on getting up in the morning. Make other people take care of themselves. We have someone who has taken care of us and now it’s our turn. Happy Thanksgiving. I realize now, more than ever what all I have to be thankful for. Our 3 girls make sure I,m not in this alone, couldn’t do it without them. Hang in there, We can do this.November 24, 2010 at 12:46 am #44539
You go girl. Sometimes they just need to be told. I had the same conversation with T months ago and he understood then but ours was more about all visitors as the whole State wanted a piece of him! It just alleviates everything when we are on the ame page. I am proud of you both!November 24, 2010 at 12:30 am #44538mlepp0416Member
Mary: I like your idea! I think I will assign chores to those who come over or who invite themselves over…..AWESOME idea!
Believe it or not, the 9 year old grandson just called and spoke to Papa (Tom) and wanted to know if he could come out tonight and spend the night!!! His mom is going shopping. Well, I’m really proud of Tom cause he told him NO –
He and I have talked, and I told him that if I can’t be at 100% then I can’t care for him and work a full time job plus do all the other things that I do on a daily basis. If I’m burned out then nothing gets done, not even his daily cares, and if he can’t depend on me, then his only other option would be to go to a nursing home.
Tom was pretty understanding during our talk, and him telling the 9 year old “No” was a step in the right direction!!!
MargaretNovember 24, 2010 at 12:11 am #44537lisaMember
The wedding is to be June 11, 11 and I am encouraging them to move back to Idaho so Jess can complete her degree. So hopefully that will happen. Both of them should get more in financial aid as a married couple so I have high hopes. Jason wants to go to school to become a firefighter, but is running into trouble because his parents won’t complete their part of the financial aid forms that are required by the school for them to even consider financial aid. Once they are married, his parents won’t be required to fill anything out, so that will resolve itself. Meantime, I pray for patience.
Yeah, a parent’s job is never done!November 23, 2010 at 6:53 pm #44536
Amen! Lisa. We can’t help much except to have you vent and to tell you how much we love you!!! When is the wedding and are they going to keep living with you? See what I mean? I always say a mother’s job is never done.
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