Learning about Grief
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Dear Aiste –
You have very right in the world to be angry and to tell everyone what happened. If it stops even one more person from getting injured or dying then it was worth every bit of what you did. I would do too. There is every need in the world to do that. And I am very glad that you did.
We had one GI doc that was totally awful to us during one of my husband’s hospital stays. He walked in the room and basically told us what he was going to do. He made it sound like my husband would die if we didn’t do it….it had to do with him doing an ERCP and placing a stent….when we started asking questions and wanting to understand more he just left the room. In hindsight it was the best decision we made trough the entire 2 years.
It always amazes me what people will say. I know often times people mean well but they don’t always thing what they are saying all the way through. I will try to watch what I say a little better. I will try to be more understanding of people’s pain.
Hang in there,
KrisVDear Aiste,
I totally agree that those comments were inappropriate. It was not something you needed to hear when you are grieving the loss of your dear father. You are right that in time it does get better, but that it is always with you.
I also think you had every right to complain to the clinic. It made you feel better to let them know and it sounds like it did some good so that others in the future will not be treated so poorly.
Take care dear Aiste. Hoping for your heart to slowly heal.
Hugs,
DarlaHello Kris and everyone again. Have been very busy recently but haven’t forgotten the site and never will. Almost a month passed after my dad’s death, things have changed a lot. Mum keeps praying and burning the candles but she is starting to realise what really happened, I wake up and already know I will never see my dad’s smile, will never hear his silly jokes, stories, will never hear his supportive words and it really is devastating. My son is angry and keeps wondering why such a great person got ill and died after post-operative complicatons, my sister looks very sad from time to time and I always think of my dad and get often down myself.
There also exist some things told by others that annoy me a lot – some colleagues asked me how I had been and when I told them I was trying to live on they added that I would feel very sad and would miss my dad worse and worse with time – I really wanted to spit in their faces but just told me it was one of the worst things to tell someone who is in grief. I DO miss him like mad and all I wanted to hear was that pain will lessen with time.
Another thing that drove me mad was – people knew I met the boss of the clinic and told him everything I was mad about – they used to stop me saying there wasn’t any need for doing so. NO NEED???? My dad dies, we are humiliated, some doctors dont know how to act like human beings and NO NEED to complain?????? I’m glad I’ve done what I have done – many things got clear to me, there was a serious audit, people were warned, punished, etc…
I am very happy I could read the posts here – no matter where we live, we all have similar feelings and I want to add that sure, our dearest loved ones that passed away will eternally live in our hearts, but we will all carry on and live on and I don’t think we will feel worse. Time heals the wounded even if the wounds will never heal completely.
You are absolutely right Darla, when you have seen and been through the worst there really is nothing left to fear. The one day at a time has double meaning too. I take each day as it comes and try not to worry about tomorrow. Also live today. And live all those things that you said you really should do. That is what I am going to start doing.
KrisV
Kris,
Just keep chugging along. You can do this and you will be OK. We are all here to help and support you on your journey.
Interesting that so many of us dealing with this disease in one way or another no longer fear death and dying. We have faced one of the worst things we ever will in life and know that in the end all will be OK.
Hugs To All
DarlaThank you everyone. For my the real grief comes out more as anger than anything. It comes up when I get frustrated with something that Mark would have normally dealt with….like fixing a dripping faucet or putting a new screen door in. I get angry that he left me….and have been known to throw stuff. I know that all I would have to ask and one of the kids would help me but I just don’t want to be dependent on them all the time.
The gal that I see to help me dealt with life (she is a life saver and I have been seeing her off and on for many years) has me reading a book about grief and loss and I really like it. He talks about loss being a wilderness and that we have to journey through it. We can get lost in it and then find our way, we may take and easy path or a hard windy path. Eventually thought we come out the other side and we are a different person for the journey. I like that analogy of it. Because I know some that really have gotten lost in it and others that just chugged through.Again thanks everyone.
KrisVDearest Cuz, I knew we were related! I have never had a fear of relocating but more so when I helped T leave. I swear if a Sicilian could garner a Halo he had one around his head and he looked awesome. Nothing to be afraid of is what I believe. The best part is with all his visits and he has been coming here nightly since my surgery, I know he will be greeting me and we can start our dance around the sun. The only part we differ on is that I truly believe one will still see what is going on with family and friends. Why else would T appear at family events? And last Thanksgiving through the lights and all 12 of us witnessed it. Cute, but I also feel when his 1st Great Grandson was born 3 years ago the Mommy was 5 days late because T was not done playing with him. And he is so his Great Papa right down to the bow legs! It will be a kinder, gentler world up there and we will all have front row seats.
Oh, one more story. A year and a half ago I went to Palm Springs for an engagement party for T Granddaughter. I felt he would show up but didn’t say much as T daughter is not a believer. There were about 60 people and right after dinner another Granddaughter went in to the house to get a drink. She came out mumbling and came up to me and said, “Grandma, this is crazy!” I asked her what happened and she said, “I was walking back outside and a song came in to my head that I really don’t know but felt compelled to try and sing it.” I asked what the song was and it was our #1 song, When I Fall In Love. I told her that Grandpa picked her to let everyone know he was there! I rest my case.Kris
Maybe it’s because I’m a guy or I’m the patient, but as I read your post over and over, it seemed to me to be a testimony to the love you and Mark shared. And this is why I am not afraid of dying. I know that part of me will live on. I’m devastated because I won’t see my grandchildren born and grow up; there are so many plans that will never be fulfilled. Aimee and I will not grow old together – no Golden Pond for us. Which is why we have to take advantage of the time we have.Your post is one of the finest eulogies one could hope for. Mark is proud.
As for you, “One day at a time” still holds true.
Duke
Amen to all you fabulous ladies! I am sure that I carried on like I did as I really felt Teddy would want me to. Kris, vent away, you know it is always good to bang things out on here. Below is something I wrote about 3 months after T relocated:
How Are You Doing?
Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just one more, to hear.
When someone calls, your message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone.When day is over and dinner is eaten by one,
No more thank you-s for the meal well done.
Can’t find anyone to scratch my back,
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that every things all right!Well said ladies. For me I eventually just smiled and said I am doing the best I can under the circumstances or sometimes just “I’m OK”. Most people just have no clue. Unless they have been where we are, they just don’t get it. Unfortunately, I’m thinking that before it happened to me, I was probably one of them too. If nothing else, I think I have become a more understanding and compassionate person when it comes to others who have lost what we have.
As Marion said, we all have to find our own path and way of dealing with all of this. Everyone does that in their own way and time. Life does move on and we have to find a way to fit in.
Love & Hugs,
DarlaKris….good for letting it all out. I think that ultimately we find a way to deal based on who we are. Everything mentioned may very well comfort someone else, but it just isn’t right for you.
If someone were to ask me how I went on after the loss of my husband, I truly could not describe it in detail. For me, it just happened because; I was needed by my children and now grandchildren as well, my mother, sister and others dear to me and the fact – regardless of my loss – life goes on. The sun rose and set, spring, summer, fall and winter came and went; ordinary life simply moved forward and I had to follow suit. I appreciated most the honest acceptance of expressions of my feelings when asked. I did not want to pretend to feel fine or that things are better (how could that be?) and how I anticipated to have a turn-around next month, next year or whenever. I wanted to be just “me” and live through it one moment and one day at a time. And, so I did. There were good days, bad days and in between days. All came and went. With it came the acceptance that life is different from what I had expected or envisioned it to be. But, looking back I realize that there are no easy answers and there is no magic bullet to help ease the pain and that I not only grieved for my own loss, but also for all my husband lost as well.
You too will find your path or, it will find you, dear Kris.
Hugs and love,
MarionI am amazed at some of the things that I get told or asked now that I am going through this process. It’s crazy. I know they mean well but I wish they would think before they talk. So here is my frustrating list.
1. How are you doing/feeling? How do you think I am doing? I lost my husband and my best friend. It sucks and I hate it. People don’t want to hear that. They want to hear you are fine because if you tell them the truth they are uncomfortable. I told one person I was awful and going to throw myself in front of a train…..I wasn’t serious but you should have seen her face.
2. God as a plan. For those who are devotedly religious I am sure this is a comfort but I don’t believe that God’s plan is to make good people suffer. I think some times bad stuff happens for no reason….falls under that shit happens saying.
3. At least he’s not suffering any more. Well, I really like to think he wasn’t suffering before….did you think he was? Because that’s what it makes it sound like to me. I didn’t let him suffer at all and before that he was living a wonderful happy life.
4. I guess he just couldn’t keep fighting. It wasn’t about fighting and it’s not like he gave up, hell he fought to the very bitter end. He didn’t want to die, he wanted to live. He wanted to see his grandchildren grow up, he wanted to see more born. His body wore out. The cancer stole that from him,
5. Time heals all wounds. No, it does not. This wound will never go away. I will grieve for him every day but it will change, it will lessen but ti will never go away. There are some wounds that are deep enough to scar for the rest of your life, death of a spouse is one of them.
6. At least you have your kids/family/dog/you name it. Yep, I do have kids, grandkids, a dog, three cats and plenty of friends but those are not replacements for my spouse and best friend. I will always have that hole and nothing can replace it.
7. At least you are young, you will be able to find someone new. Really, I haven’t even scattered my husband’s ashes and you are telling me I will find someone new. I haven’t even got all the paperwork in order from this and you are telling me I should/will move on. Give me time for this one please.
8. You seem to be handling this well. So I am not throwing myself on the ground screaming and pulling my hair out, doesn’t mean i am doing well, it just means I am hiding it well. You have no idea how much I am grieving on the inside or what I am doing behind my bedroom door. I am hurting really bad but I don’t want to cry all the time.Okay so there is my list. It’s just a vent really but I am so frustrated with it. I have just gotten to the point where I just smile and nod my head and tell them I would rather not talk about it.
Thanks for listening.
KrisV
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