Missing poppop!!

My poppop, Charles J. Heaton, was more then just my grandfather he was like a dad…. He was the only man in my life that was there for me through everything from the day I was born! He would rub my belly to make me take my medicine when my mom couldn’t get me to!! He believed in me even when I did’t believe in myself! October 2 2010 I will be walking down the aisle without him and the closer it gets the harder it gets… He was supposed to walk me down the aisle and even though deep down I know that he will be there with me I wont be able to dance with him or to hold his hand and he wont bbe there when i have my babies…There is so much that i miss about him…his horrible attitude when things didn’t go his way and the way he loved his family even when we were horrible to be around!!! He passed away 3 days after his 65th birthday on Jan 20,2010 and I still cry still want to blame and still take it out on people that dont deserve it… I dont know what to do… I made him promise that he would be there to walk me down the aisle and he fought soooo hard to do that but in the end i had to tell him it was ok to let go… it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life! I remember the last thing he said was ” I am sorry I won’t be there to see my great granddaughter Adrianna( my little brother’s girlfriend was due anyday) and then he grabbed my hand and said” I am sorry baby I wont be there to walk you down the aisle” I was at the hospital just abt everyday from dec 29 2009 to the day he died and everytime I walked in the nurses would say your baby is here!! LOL and before i would leave for the hospital he would call my cell at abt 8am to remind me to bring his Daily Journal… I remember everything and i am so scared that i will forget it all…. I was there when he took his last breath and my family had to pull me away from him i didnt want to leave him alone….I look back and I wish i could have done more…. there is not a day that goes by that i don’t think of him and wonder how i am supposed to get through… my dr suggested grief couseling via hospice but i dont know how to go abt it… my poppop was a marine in the vietnam war and that is where the drs say he contracted the disease that took his life, my mommom is now fighting for spousal benefits which were never recieved during treatment… He is not the only vietnam vet that has suffered from this horrid disease his best friend died 8 yrs and a day before him from the sme cancer ruled the same cause… we need to get the word out to our vets who fought in vietnam so they can be tested…