Mom is very depressed. How can I help her?
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One other thing…depression can be managed with medication and counseling. Sometimes talking to someone who has no emotional investment in our life is a good thing. it is sometimes difficult to talk to your family and friends because you don’t want to bring them down or make them think you aren’t being as positive as they want you to be.
I recently wrote a college paper on depression and cancer and one of themes that came out in my research is that depression is grossly under-diagnosed in those with a cancer diagnosis. Medication can have a positive impact on the depression and also comes with some good side effects like increased appetite and help with sleep.
-Randi-
Spruce,
So sorry to hear about your Mother. I hope she is comfortable and it sounds like you are making some nice memories with her that will sustain and strengthen your relationship.
Decisions around our health care and that of our loved ones are difficult and it sounds like all things have been considered here (age, overall health, difficulty of recovery from surgery). These decisions are difficult, but they can be more difficult if we relive and regret them as time gives us new information and perspective. We all do what we can at the time we are deciding about these things and my approach is to make the best decision I can and try not to look back with regret…no Monday morning quarterbacking (to use an American football analogy).
Enjoy this time with your Mother. Wising you the best.
-Randi-Dear Spruce, I believe you and your brother, as your mom’s caregivers, have made the best possible decision for her. Considering her health and the advice you received from the surgeon, you have probably added quaility time for her here on Earth. If she continues to be depressed, please consider asking the doctor about adding an antidepressant to the medication she takes. Enjoy many more card games together and come back to this site as often as you need to. Pam
Spruce….(the girl) sorry, but I have the knack of not being very gender “intelligent.” I thought that Percy was a woman (sorry Percy) until somehow revealed he revealed otherwise. And, there are other, similar occasions in where I was totally off.
Given your Mom’s health issues I am tempted to agree with the surgeon as this is a difficult operation to undergo and to recover from. It is all about quality of life for your Mom and that is something you can gift to her by being vigilant about the care she is receiving.
The life expectancy given is an estimate only. Cancer patients often are told: there is no expiration date stamped on their feet. That is something to hold onto. I wish for your Mom to be comfortable and that she has plenty of wonderful occasions to find joy in.Hugs and all my best wishes
MarionDearest Spruce, you have made the best decision you can and please don’t look back and question it. Don’t waste negative energy on something that is out of your hands. Enjoy this time with your Mother and make more loving memories. Please feel free to come on with questions or just to let us know how sheis doing. We care.
Thank you for your advice and support. More than anything, answering to your questions cleared my mind. By the way, I am a daughter.
My mom has adecocarcinoma and the doctor said it is operable. She had a cardiac clearance also. We asked the doctor what would he do if it were his mother and he said he probably would be against the surgery. Her health conditions include hypertension, dementia with parkinsomism, and aspiration pneumonia due to disphagia. She is very weak and her mobility is very limited. She needs someone to be with her 24 hrs a day.
Anyway, mom wanted the surgery but my brother refused to sign the consent form for surgery. After that I had to justify myself for not taking any action against it, thus agreeing with his decision. While searching for information, I found this website. After reading Percy and Marions’ comments about age shouldn’t be the deciding factor, I thought hard about it and I think her general health rather than age was the deciding factor. Not honoring mom’s desire and killing the possibility of her surviving this cancer is what I have to live with.
I went home this weekend and she seemed better. We played a card game we used to play when I was a kid and talked about this and that. One of my sisters who is living abroad is coming home with her family this week and she is looking forward to it.
We have hospice here in Korea we will keep her at home as long as possible. The doctor said she has about 3-12 months.
Thank you again and I will probably come with many more questions.Dear Spruce, I am sorry to hear of your Mom’s health. Does she take an antidepressant? It would probably help. I’d ask her doctor to prescribe one. I’m sure at age 80 she would need a cardiac clearance for surgery. Has she had one? How long ago was surgery suggested? She is very lucky to have such a caring son. Glad you joined this board. It is a great support so come back often.
안녕 = An nyoung = hello, informal in Korean
What is your mom’s current condition? Is she mobile? Does she feel well enough to leave the house? If so I would ask her if she would like to go places–concerts, museums, movies, gardens, etc. Is she well enough to travel? If so ask her if there is somewhere she has always wanted to visit.
Does she have other relatives and friends? If so make arrangements for outings or visits. Older people in the U.S. can become socially isolated if they can’t drive, if that is the case with her she may want to see relatives and friends she has not seen in a while.
Patty
Spruce…I would like to follow Lainy and Percy and welcome you to our site.
We rarely think of our parents aging. We avoid thinking about our parents becoming ill and or growing weak. And, we often don’t feel equipped to make important decisions on their behalf. But we grow with the situation and we become strong for our parents just as they have always been strong for us. I wholeheartedly agree with Lainy; you are a wonderful son to your Mom. She has raised you to make her proud.
As Percy has mentioned and this is true especially for major surgeries, age is not the deciding factor rather it is the overall health of the patient that determines a good outcome. Biliary surgeries are complex and difficult to recover from and perhaps that is why the surgeon decided to take a less aggressive approach with your Mom. Is it possible for you to ask as about the medical reasons? Often times we feel better when we know that there is no other option than the one put upon us.
Please, stay on this site and know that all of us are together in the fight against this disease.
All my best wishes,
MarionHi,
May I ask a few questions in order to understand more about your mom’s CCA?1. what other health issues does you mom have? and What do you mean by “not in good health” diabetes? Cardiac problems? please indicate.
2. If you can quote from the CAT scan or MRI report about the sizes and location of the tumor,it will be better for me to give further suggestions.
3. What Stage of the CCA? any metastasis to other parts of the body?Age is not a risk factor,but patient’s current health condition may be a factor in determining what treatment plans is the best for your mom.
Surgery provides the ONLY possible cure; but depends on your mom’s tumor size and location,less invasive procedure like RFA, chemoembo or radioembo can be performed and patient can go home the same or next day without any problems;chemotherapy,conventional radiotherapy SBRT, PDT are other options but total depends on what kind of CCA your mom has.Ask doctor to prescribe antidepressant to help your mom,it can help your mom to get some weight gain too.Also eat well,CAT SCAN to monitor the disease as well as prayers can help too.
God bless.
Welcome Spruce to the most wonderful and caring people the world over. You are already doing what you can for your Mom by being such a wonderful son. My own personal opinion is that I would not have put an 80 year old through that surgery either. The bottom line now is to make sure she is comfortable. Give her smaller meals to eat more often. Perhaps something to drink like Carnation Instant Breakfast or Boost, not sure what you have in Korea. Blend a banana in and that one drink can make up for a whole meal. Just be there and let her know how much you love her. Do you have a care system like our Hospice where Nurses come to the house to check on her? Wishing you best of luck and sending tons of good thoughts.
Hello, everyone.
My mother was diagnosed with cc in November. She could have a surgery and she wanted to have the surgery but as she is 80 and not in good health, my brother opposed to the surgery strongly and she didn’t get the surgery. I supported her desire to have the surgery but felt relieved when she didn’t get the surgery even though I can’t imagine my life without her. She got a metal stent implanted. She is home now but she is very depressed, and eats very little. How can I help her?
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