October 18, 2007 at 1:03 pm #16669
Your father sounds like such an amazing person – I’m glad to have kinda “met” him through this board. His dark sense of humor sounds just like the humor we have in my family – my mother retained it until about a week before she passed, it’s not something everyone understands! But you do, and you’re right to try to keep joking. But it’s also okay if you cry a little in front of him – he’ll understand. Just be yourself and he will be happy with you no matter what you do. He loves you unconditionally, after all.
I know you are treasuring every moment with him and my heart breaks with you. I hope you can keep your dad’s spirits up – and yours.
-JoyceOctober 18, 2007 at 9:24 am #16668teresaMember
Dear Lisa I feel so much of your pain.
Be who you are, this I feel is what your dad would wish for you to be.
These are his memories of you and will give him the comfort he needs. My wish for you is that you and your mom will be able to comfort each other during this awful time.
This board is a very special place to be, you are loved and whatever emtions you are feeling are accepted, we too have had them all.
These memories will sustain you in time to come write away we are all here for you.
As jules so apptly wrote if you havn’t been there you do not understand.
I wish you comfort and peace during these awful times love and light Alan’s mom xxxxxxxxxxxxOctober 18, 2007 at 4:44 am #16667julesParticipant
I am so sorry to hear about your dear father. I understand so well how this feels and I also relate to some of the anger issues that you have been feeling. Trust me – your Dad does know just how much you love him. After all, you are there for him now aren’t you?
I think that for now you just have to take the lead from your Dad as to how he wants you all to behave around him. My Dad couldn’t cope with my tears, he told me that they didn’t help him, just made things worse. Sometimes it was just impossible to stop the tears from flowing however I tried very hard not to cry anywhere near him. I understand your restlessness, it sounds as though you are not sleeping very well, of course that is understandable. I regulary wake at 5am (it is 5:30am here now) and I don’t think that I have slept properly since my Dad was diagnosed. I am sure that you are cherishing every moment that you have with your Dad and it sounds as though you are fighting hard to be strong for him. It is the most immensly difficult and testing time, I know. If you haven’t been there you just don’t understand.
You will never lose your Dad’s immense love for you. Even though my Dad is no longer here in person I feel his love surrounding me and I always know at any given situation what he would say and do. He is always there with me. I am half of him and when I look in the mirror his big brown eyes are looking back at me.
Lisa, I feel for you, this is just so so hard. Give yourself time, do not feel any pressure to behave in any other way then you feel is natural for you. Cry, get angry, depressed, all those emotions are perfectly valid. It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your mother, I hope that you can be there for each other now, to have support must make all the difference.
We are here for you,
love JulesOctober 18, 2007 at 3:37 am #16666
Hi Joyce and CDR,
I am still very restless, and can’t stop the crying. I guess it is better that I get this out of my system, before I have to face Dad. He is still not awake, so he still does not know. I have made my phone calls and talked to my older brother for over an hour. We took a little trip down memory lane, and it was actually comforting. He is 5 years older than me, so he remembers things about my Dad and me, that I was to little to know. He says I was the light in Daddy’s eyes when I was born, because he wanted a little girl, especially after having the 2 boys.
I can only hope that he knows how much I love him, I guess I am just feeling a little insecure right now. I just want to grab him and hold onto him tight and not let go. I won’t do that of course, because I have to be strong like him, but I sure do feel like doing it.
I know I am lucky to have him, and will make the best of the time I have with him. We always talk about old times, in fact thats all Dad talks about, he is such a story teller.
CDR, you are right I need to let go of the anger, I am waisting to much energy on it. I will also dedicate myself to making sure we have the most wonderful time together as possible.
Joyce,I am sure we will get the support we need. Mom and I are supporting each other, and some of my siblings are there if I need them.
I am only able to support her and be strong, because I have all of you to pull me through this time in my life. I am sure I am going to need to talk and vent about things that I can not say to no others.
Mom told Dad a little bit ago, and all he could say was that he didn’t want a colostomy bag. Mom told him that surgery wasn’t even an option, and he just started joking again. Not sure if he quite understands everything, He will have questions tomorrow. The name of the game will be to just keep joking back with him, because thats what he wants. No crying, no serious talks, just normal everyday conversation.
I will write again tomorrow and let you know how we all are doing.
LisaOctober 18, 2007 at 2:37 am #16665thecdrMember
((((LISA)))) God bless you for being such a good daughter and take comfort in the fact that your dad’s last days/hours/minutes with you are all the more comforting with you there. Know too that your grief is a sign of how much you love your dad. As far as your siblings, try to clear your slate, you will feel better for it. How they are behaving and reacting is their problem to have and to fix, and if they don’t they will be the ones who have to live with the guilt. Get over the anger, it’s not worth it, trust me. Anger wastes too much energy and you need that energy for your dad and for you. Dedicate yourself to making sure that you, your dad and your mom have the most wonderful time together possible. Talk about old times, even if he seems to have “checked out”, he will still hear you. Count every minute you have with each other as a gift and a blessing.
Fill that emptiness with the good memories, trust me, your heart will be full. As my son and I constantly tell each other, we will ALWAYS be in each other’s hearts no matter what. It doesn’t matter if your 10 or 30 or 80.October 18, 2007 at 1:42 am #16664
Oh Lisa, I am so sorry! I dearly hope you and your mom get the support you need in this nightmarish time, and that your dad is at peace because he’s with his loving family for the time he has left. The three of you are so lucky to have each other. I wish you peace – write anytime you feel the urge. So sorry.
JoyceOctober 18, 2007 at 12:46 am #16663
Hello My Friends,
It is with a very heavy and sad heart that I write this post.
The results were given to us late this afternoon after much waiting.
It is Metastatic Colon Cancer. Dad’s poor body is riddled with cancer everywhere. We have now lost all glimmer of any hope. At most we have been given 3 months, but were told that most likely it will be much sooner.
The cancer has engulfed his entire liver and surrounding lymph nodes, it has also spread to his bone, stomach, and lymph nodes in his chest. The intrahepatic bile ducts are also affected, but no tumor seen.
I have been preparing myself for this moment in time for over 6 weeks now, but it isn’t coming any easier. I feel like I have been told all over again that he has cancer and that we are going to lose him. I know I should be strong right now, and I am in front of other people, but sitting here writing to all of you I am falling apart. I suppose I cannot continue to live in denial anymore, since the facts are in, and I now have to accept what is ahead.
I cannot imagine my life without him being part of it. I Love this Man SOOOO Much it hurts. He has always been there for me through the good and the bad times in my life, and I count on him for so much. Mom is taking it really hard, even though we both knew in our hearts that this day would come. I am worried about her as well as my Dad. He does not even know yet as he is still sleeping, so it is going to be a long night ahead. We contacted hospice, and they are coming out to meet with us tomorrow to get things set up. I still need to call my brothers and let them know. I have gotten more support, caring and understanding from all of you, that I decided to let you know first. I dread those phone calls, because I am still angry at all of them for not being more a part of is life. He worked so hard, sometimes 3 jobs, all of his life to give us everything we ever wanted or needed. He raised 11 children, not many can say that, and we never wanted for anything. He is truly a good man.
I am feeling such an emptiness in my heart already, but I know I still have to grab every moment I have left with him. I need to tell him how much I Love him, and how very proud I am whenever I speak of him. I will always be a Daddy’s girl at heart.
I will write again later after I make these phone calls and after we tell Dad the results.
LisaOctober 17, 2007 at 2:14 pm #16662
Hi Joyce and Missing U,
Thanks again for your support and caring. As of this morning, we know nothing else. We are still hoping to get the complete results somstime today. Mom spoke to the Primary Physicians office with the hopes that since the oncologist now has the results, that the hospital can now fax them to the Primary as they would be mailing them out anyways.
Dad has not changed, still eating and drinking little and vomiting. The pain is still under control for the most part, except he says he feels it a little in his back. I am wondering if the bone cancer is in his spine or rib cage causing alot of his discomfort or is it steming from his liver.
He was up for a little bit last night, and was still joking. He told me that he can come back from his grave and haunt me. I tried to joke back, as hard as it is, and told him that if he had anything to say to me , he better say it now. I told him he does not have permission to speak to me from beyond the grave. Of course when I came downstairs, I had a breakdown. He is starting to talk to me about his death, and I am having trouble dealing with it. I like the fact that I can stay in denial, yet seem very hopeful to the rest of the family and to him.
I now wait for word once again today, and also wait for him to get out of bed for a little while so that I can visit with him.
I will write again later, when I know more.
Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers,
I will give him some mental hugs from the both of you……October 17, 2007 at 2:01 pm #16661
Hope you managed to get some results – this bureaucratic red tape can be so frustrating – it’s not like you’re waiting for the results of a routine blood test or something!
So you were right about there being no lung cancer – just goes to show how much more we can know that the doctors don’t.
I hope your dad is comfortable – give him a hug from me. And if that’s too weird for him, give him a mental hug! I understand the non-demonstrative family, as mine is like that too – but my mother actually appreciated hugs at the end, which surprised me. Then again, she’s a woman and was a bit mushier than the stoic men in the family.
Good thoughts going your way,
JoyceOctober 17, 2007 at 1:55 pm #16660
Forgot to say that your posts are great and thanks for sharing from the perspective of the patient – it’s really helpful and you have a great attitude! Hope you’re feeling somewhat better – go out there and blog some more!
-JoyceOctober 17, 2007 at 2:22 am #16659missing-uParticipant
Hi Lisa- just a note to let you know I’m thinking about you and your dad and mom. Hoping your dad can feel some comfort soon- the constant vomitting is very taxing on the system. Thank you for your kind words the other day… I echo what Joyce said… there was a limit of what I was able to do for my Dad, however, in supporting others if only in a small way, I feel as if I am helping others in his honour.
Prayers to you, your dad and mom,
Missing UOctober 16, 2007 at 6:31 pm #16658
Well the results are in on the scans at the Oncologists office, however they are trying to make us wait until Friday when is has a scheduled appointment to go over them. The nurse said to my Mom that she is not going to read 4 pages of findings to her over the phone. They also will not release the records to his Primary Physician, because he is not the Doctor that ordered the tests.
That being said, Mom is very angered that we again have to wait. I suppose she was pushing the nurses buttons a little and did get some info.
NO Lung Cancer, as we were told was the primary.
The Billiary Ducts are dilated.(whatever that signals)
The Liver and Lymph nodes are very involved(which we knew)
and the Cancer has metastisized to the bone ( where ?we dont know yet)
Mom is calling the Primary now to see if he can get the results, so he can talk to us.
Hopefully will let you kow soon.
LisaOctober 16, 2007 at 3:53 pm #16657
Glad to hear from you. I hope you had a wonderful weekend away. You were correct in guessing that the anniversary plans didn’t pan out. He slept all day. I did give them gifts and made one of Mom’s favorite meals for her, but that was the extent of it. I so wanted it to be special for them, because in my heart, I am certain it will have been thier last.
I do not think of you as selfish at all. I understand that it is very theraputic to talk about your Mom and your last months and moments with her. The fact is, you were there for her through it all, and as I stated before, by helping me, you are letting her go on in your heart. I listen to all you say, and understand how much you truly miss her in your life. I am sure I will go through the same things as you, and will find comfort in talking about my feelings out loud. Your Mom would be so proud of you, helping others deal with thier personal pain and experiences. It keeps her alive, not only in your heart, but now in the hearts of others.
I am doing all I can for my Dad, what little I can, but I still feel helpless. I want so much to take his pain and sickness away from him. I want to see him up and about again doing all the things he enjoys. Realistically, I know I will never have the opportunity again to watch him work his magic on building things or just puttering around the garage and barn. It is an effort for him to just get out of his bed for a little while everyday, but I am there when he does.
I will post later tonight, hopefully after we hear something.
You may feel selfish, but I know you care about us,
LisaOctober 16, 2007 at 3:37 pm #16656
I agree with everything you have said. I know my Dad deals with his grief in his own way, and I accept that. It is my older brother who has a difficult time accepting it.
My Dad also deals with grief through physical work and thats what he did back then.
I cry at times, but also hold back, and I never ever let him see it. I just joke back at him no matter what. Thats how he deals with it, thats how I handle those situations.
I hope you are feeling well, and are having better days. My thoughts are with you, and I am pulling for you.
Hugs LisaOctober 16, 2007 at 2:53 pm #16655thecdrMember
just remember that although we may not see our loved ones cry they may very well be doing it in private. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, whether they are the patient, the caregiver or the family or whoever. My parents haven’t cried in front of me, and in many ways I am glad, because the caretaker/nurse in me would want to take care of them and I’M the patient! My dad deals with his grief through physical work, so my garage is clean and I have 2 new ceiling fans, and he turns 80 next month!
I very seldom cry in front of people, I have always been that way, I am too much a control freak and to me crying is a sign of losing control. This may be the case with your dad. When you are suffering this disease we NEED to have control, because that is all we have. So any control, even of our emotion, we will hold on to. That doesn’t mean that if you pulled up next to me at a stop sign you won’t see me sobbing like a baby!
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