My beloved mother

Thank you again Lainy. Actually, Sophie is in no pain what-so-ever, otherwise, I would never let her suffer. In fact, she’s responding well to the Chemo & Prednisone. A cat’s age is different from a dog’s age too, I’m sure you’re aware of it. Sasha is also not suffering because he’s responding well to all his medications and even plays. Very smart cat too. They’re both Siamese Appplehead (not pointed) cats. Sasha is white with a gray face and has gorgeous blue eyes, but not as blue as when he was younger, and Sophie is a Seal Point color with beautiful blue eyes too. If they’re comfortable, then I’m comfortable.
I’m glad if I can help someone else on this site by expressing my pain and accomplishments if any, but it’s in my blood to be open and honest about what’s going on in my life and my reactions. Thank you for the compliment and giving me some hope.
I miss my Mama and do listen to her recordings while she was hospitalized, once in a while as it’s painful but at the same time great to hear her beautiful voice. But I have one video of her when she was healthy in her kitchen in Paris while she was cooking (she was the best cook in the world) and we were both going to fly together to Kansas. It was taken in 2006 which was the beginning of this disease but only noticeable because her stomach was a little big. She was looking forward to the trip, until she got here. Big difference between Paris and Kansas. But that wasn’t just it…it was my partner’s jealousy of my mother’s relationship between us which was so strong, and as a result it seemed like my partner put a wedge between my Mama and I. So, I didn’t spend as much time as I should have and I will regret that for the REST OF MY LIFE.
It happened both times she came here. I just wish I could make it up to her and want to see and be with her. I know that I will see her again. I speak to her sometimes in my mind sometimes out loud. She was just so special, and I could see her love for me in her gorgeous green eyes and how much she cared for me. She was so kind and generous to me, but my Aunt and her two evil adult children took advantage of her and just flew to Paris uninvited, and took up her studio for three months at a time. They were and still are, swimming in money and could have checked into a hotel which was literally smack next door, but no, they had to be free-loaders and they still are but with other people. My mother didn’t want to say anything but after a month she would tell me that it was getting too much but didn’t have the courage to say something. The cousins are so evil, that they didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do with my mother’s body after she passed away and just arranged to have her buried and made me pay 10K when I inherited a little money. My mother gave her 7K wedding ring to my cousin to cover the cost of her hospitalization plus they stole about 30-40,000 Euros. And now I can never visit her grave because she’ sin Tehran, nor bring her remains back. How insensitive and evil of my cousins. My mother was a dual citizen and the State Department was unable to assist me because of their laws. My mother was Christian! I should stop as it’s going to make me cry.
Thank you again Lainy for your support and I appreciate your understanding so much. It means a lot to me and gives me some hope. Yes, I should also say, “Thank you Mama for loving and caring for me all my life.”
Thank you for sending me the list and I hope we keep in touch. I’m not really good at writing, but I will try my best to keep you updated. Due to my complicated grief, my memory is not good at all, so I become forgetful. If I repeat myself, it’s because I forgot that I already told you.
Bless your heart—-Desiree

Thank you Lainy for your quick response and your feedback. It’s so nice to talk to someone who understand you. I had a terrible PTSD episode yesterday and I though I was going to go crazy. Today, I’m feeling a little better but I had to reschedule my doctor’s appointment today as I didn’t have my blood work done . I dislike fasting but have to have it done. So I promised myself that I would do it tomorrow and rescheduled to see my Primacy Care Physician on Saturday morning. I have a depression known as ” complicated grief” which only Columbia Univeristy in NYC have sessions for that condition. It’s a 14 session class over a 4 month period but I can’t afford to stay in NYC for 4 months. Therapists have to go there to take a class and get certified to treat patients with that condition. The closet one to me is in St Joseph, Missouri, but I can’t get there once a week. There’s no one in the entire state of Kansas that is certified for this therapy.
I would very much appreciate if you could send me a copy of the signs that loved ones are around. I think you have my email address but if not, it’s orlysud@aol.com. My memory is not good at all and having to give medication to two sick 13 year old kitties every morning and evening which has been hard on me. One kitty, Sasha is diabetic and I have to give one unit of Insulin twice a day, kidney disease, high blood pressure and a heart murmur. Plus, he has a number of medications that I have to give him on a daily basis – He’s my Angel and it breaks my heart that he’s sick. His sister, Sophie was diagnosed last November 2015, with the most treatable cancer in cats, small cell lymphoma, in her stomach, colon and small intestines, so she has chemo every two weeks at the vet & I give her daily meds as well. They give her a maximum of up to two years. They’re like my babies. I have has nothing but bad luck. My mom’s art hasn’t sold at the gallery, then they took them down for another showing by students who just graduated from one of our universities, but they’ll go back up in March. I’m going to have my friend the professional photographer go to the gallery and take pictures of them as well. She’ll edit the pictures (about 120 paintings) and put them on my computer so that I can email them to various museums and galleries on the west and east coasts. Then I’m praying that I will be able to sell them. It really bothers me that my dear mother’s paintings are all in the basement and not on someone’s wall. I’m going to do everything in my power to sell them. My cousins stole all of my mother’s CD’s and left behind her cassettes that I have no means of listening to. They just left one CD which was by Frank Sinatra. Isn’t that just so cruel? They are greedy liars who are so rich and could have bought a copy themselves. But since they’re so tight with their money, they rather steal them instead of allowing the daughter to have them. When I needed financial help, they said they didn’t have money. I didn’t get that much from selling my mother’s studio as the French Notaires charged me for so many various things and 33.33% inheritance tax for foreigners. Then I treated myself by going to San Francisco and loved it even though I was in such pain as my mother and I went together the last time, many many years ago. My partner that I live with has been through so many losses so I’m expected to get over my loss and not talk about it. But I don’t really have a family, just my 88 year old Aunt. Although my partner does a lot for me and takes care of me, I’ve become super sensitive and we are opposites, so I get yelled at when I don’t agree. It’s been very hard on me. Then the financial issues as our cats which are like or babies are costing us a fortune, so we argue about that too. Anyway, I just spend my afternoons in the office online. Thank you for listening to me and taking the time to write me back right away. You have been a “God send” and understand me. I look forward to receiving that copy. I have a book called “Signs from the Afterlife” by Lyn Ragan, have you read it? All my best to you dear Lainy.

Hello

I was able to ship all my dear Mama’s furniture and 130 paintings because the French go by space, not by weight. But, I’ve had no energy to even to start selling her paintings and in Kansas, they don’t understand anything about European Art. The paintings have been in the basement for 2 years next month. I also have a humidifier and a dehumidifier. The only hopeful thing is that I finally decided to contact a friend who’s a professional photographer and is going to give me a discount to take pictures of all my mother’s paintings, so that I can email them to various galleries around the country, plus two individuals who have many connections.
I am still grieving every day and had the worst holiday. I am surrounded by her pictures in my office and feel her love. But I cry every day and it’s now been 3 years and 3 months. I lie on my mother’s couch and watch TV like she use to.
I feel so much pain and want to be with my dear Mama, so badly. She was my World and my Hero and only trusted her with my life- I could talk to her about anything. But now I only have my 88 year old Aunt, whom I cannot stress out plus I don’t trust her even though I love her. She was very close and of course affected by my mother’s death too, and has not been the same, like me. Nobody wants to listen to my problems and they are no longer in my life. I’ve “cleaned house”, or let’s say, eliminated people that expect me to “get over it.”
Nothing in life makes me happy or joyous. I have tried therapy, but they don’t have any experience in “Grief” so they were of no help. I don’t drive so I can only get around on my bike when the weather is nice. I could of course always take the bus.
I haven’t listened to music for over three years because it makes me cry.
I went biking yesterday in the trails for the first time in months because it was 70 degrees, but that was just yesterday. That always kicks in the Endorphins and helps me out, plus I can talk to my mother and cry out loud. I’ll have to wait until we have more nice days to bike again, but I believe we’ll have an early Spring.
I have been reading about “Afterlife Signs” and I truly believe in it. Yesterday, I took a selfie out in the trails and strangely enough, there was a white straight line right above my head. Wonder what that means?
Anyway, for now I’m fine alone as Mama’s Spirit is with me, and I don’t need friends because they don’t understand. I would rather be alone and text if necessary. Once in while I’ll get together with a friend who does understand. This Spring, weather permitting, I’ll be out more often on my bike in the trails alone, knowing that my mother’s Spirit is with me and therefore not feeling alone….does that make sense?
I have a feeling that I know what caused my mother to have this monster of a disease. She was an artist and when she moved into a studio, she painted in the corner with oil paints for 25 years and sometimes used her fingers instead of a brush, without ventilation, except for the windows. Paint is toxic and cancerous but it took me three years to figure out that it could have been a possibility. The fumes alone from the paint are toxic to breathe in, let alone using your fingers. Oh Mama, why, why why did you not figure that out or why did I not realize it? She asked me, “how did I get so sick?” and I told her that I didn’t know. Now it’s too late to tell her Maybe, it was from something else, who knows.
This world has spent so much money on cancer and although there have been improvements, there’s still not a cure. Chemo is a killer on its own-too bad it couldn’t only go to the cancer and not the rest of the body. My mother had no chemo, radiation or surgery due to her age, 83 1/2. She just withered away in 8 weeks with a brain tumor too. She had her mind in ICU and wrote twice on a piece of paper “Take me home if you love me.” How could I if she was intubated and had tubes going into every opening in her body plus a blood transfusion as her stomach split open at the end. I feel so guilty about it and the friggin hospital overseas would only let me see her for one hour a day, so she died alone……..now I’m crying!

It’s 2 years and 11 months since I lost my dearest mother and I still cry every day for her. My heart is still in pain and no one understands. Can’t talk to my 87 year old aubt about it as it wouls make her breakdown, have been to counseling, grief class, and I’m still in pain. I wish I were with her instead of being on earth suffering.

Update
I’m still very sad and miss my beloved mother so much. I don’t enjoy anything, going out and exercising. I’m not trying to gain pity but my life has come to a standstill. My mother was the love of my life. Now my aunt is is going to turn 87 but in good health so she says. She’ s in Iran and as a U.S. Citizen it’s not safe for me to go there. I went to see my mother on November 25th
and I was questioned for an hour. I could hear my heart beating in my throat and thought I would be put in prison, but I got through.

I only felt safe for 2 nights in the hospital when I was with my beloved mother. My cousin who lies, did not allow me to stay the third night and the next day she was in ICU and I was only allowed to stay with her once a day from 3-4 PM. They didn’t even check her IV. The next day she was on life support and I wrote if she wanted to live like that and she wrote no. Then she wrote twice(which was hard to read) “Take me home if you love me” but I couldn’t. If you take someone off of life support how long does it take to die? I feel so guilty about that. She wanted to be surrounded by the family by unfortunately she died alone. I feel so guilty and I dislike my two cousins who lied to both my mother and I plus they stole all her valuables in Paris while she was in the hospital before going to Iran. If my cousins would have told me that she had cancer I would have never let her go there because this is an incurable disease so far. They didn’t even tell my mother because they didn’t want her to be depressed. Ivy cousins are hateful people with black hearts. They even stole her money and forged her check.

When I left that horrific country feeling like I wanted to die, I went to Paris and took all her documents and the Deed. She tried to become a French citizen because she lived in Paris for 11 years, change her last name to me beloved mother’s name and hire a lawyer so that she could claim that she was her child and inherit the apartment. They refused to give me her death certificate so I had to go through the State Department because my mother was also a U.S. Citizen. I finally got it and also had it translated in French and notarized by the French Embassy in Iran. This took 4 months, lots of emails and phone calls. Finally when I received it, I was able to process it as I had the Will and copies of her passports. My cousins are extremely rich and rent an apartment instead of buying one.

I still have nightmare’s of Iran, seeing my mother yellow and so sick and telling me she wasn’t going to get well. She passed away three days later and I had to bury her with totally freaked me out. My cousin and an official rushed to the cemetery while I was covered in my scarf in the back of the car and crying my eyes out. When her body was buried, I wanted to throw myself into her grave, head first.

I lost a lot of money when selling her studio as I had to lower the price and pay 38% inheritance fee. My family made me pay $10,000for her funeral. Prior to that we had not spoken for a year but finally my Aunt called as she raised me. So I sent it for my beloved mother. My cousins are “poison.” I tried to make friends but I could never tell if they were telling me the truth or not and then when I asked what she did with the $10,000 she accused me of hurting her. So I never want to talk to her again. She never liked me and has anger issues.

My mother and I always spoke English to each other and we both hated Iran. So she sent me off to a boarding school in Europe and was very private.

When I was in Iran, I was so scared thinking that they would find out that I was American, and I couldn’t read any of their Billboards or street names and the traffic and smog was awful. I almost kissed the ground when I arrived in Chicago for my transfer. The TSA questioned me and was only there for 5 minutes – the last thing they told me was they were surprised I got in and out.

So it’s so hard to forget what my mother looked like when she was deadly sick, burying her the Muslim way when she always believed in Jesus and being I a horrible country.. She passed away on November 29, 2012, and I’m still suffering from everything .