My best friend, my husband

Juanita, My husband best friend passed on January 18, 2008. The pain for me is so fresh. Your story is exactly how I feel. We would have been married for 36 years on January 22. I can’t see myself a year from now still without him but I must. Thank you for being so honest about how you feel. It helps to know I’m not alone in my feelings.
Missing U, Thank you for the advise about focusing on my husband’s life and not of his leaving and trying to do things in honour of his life. I don’t want his life to be in vain. I want everyone to know how this dreaded disease doesn’t continue to control my husband’s and my life. I will grieve and be depressed for along time but I will not give in mentally to the disease that took my husband from me. I trust God will bring me thru this. Cathy

Dear Mack Family – I read your most recent post and felt the need to respond because your feelings are almost identical to mine. It will be 11 months on February 5 that I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my precious husband of 40 years to cc. He, too, was my world and I worry because instead of feeling better, I’m feeling worse. It is getting so much harder to live without him. I don’t know if I was still numb, or in denial these past 10 months, but I feel the loss so much more now. I, too, have a hard time with people who don’t understand how I’m feeling. I, too, am tired of saying “I’m fine,” because I know that’s what they want to hear. They don’t want to hear the truth–I’m not fine, I still cry every night and my life feels like it’s falling apart. I’m so lonely. I miss him so much that it’s a physical hurt. Like you, I want him back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I need him here. He held me together, he loved me like no one else ever will, he made me feel beautiful and gave me the confidence to do things I never thought I could, he was my cheerleader, he was who I turned to when I felt alone, or sad, or happy, or just needed someone to talk to. He understood me like no one else and accepted me unconditionally. We loved spending time together and always looked forward to being with each other. We, too, called each other at least 4-5 times a day–on the way to work, during work, on the way home from work. Sometimes it was just to hear each others voices and say I love you. We loved raising our kids together and adored our grandchildren. We talked about growing old together. We would talk about how we couldn’t imagine a life without each other. How do you get over 40 years and losing a person that was such a part of you? No one understands and it seems they want to forget he even existed. I don’t think they’re unkind or unfeeling….they just don’t understand the depth of our loss. Everything has changed. Our family will never be the same–we come together but it feels so sad and so strange not to have him with us. He was the hub of our family. After 10 months, I still find myself saying out loud, over and over, “I can’t believe you’re gone, I can’t believe you’re not here.” I keep reading and hearing that it will get easier with time, but for some it must take a lot longer. I feel torn because I don’t want to feel the pain anymore and I want it to stop, yet I feel sad thinking that one day it won’t hurt so much. I know that sounds strange. Like Betty Johnson, I know that we will one day be together again and it does bring comfort. But, selfishly I guess, I want him in my world NOW, since I don’t know a world without him. I know and I’m sorry that this hasn’t helped you much. But I hope it makes you feel better knowing that it’s normal and okay to feel the grief for as long as you want, and that others are going through it, too. I pray for peace and understanding for us all.

Love and prayers,

Juanita

I could write a book about how much I agree with you, how the pain and grief don’t go away and everyone just goes on with their lives as if your loved one never existed. I’m approaching the 1 year anniversary of my mother’s death and I’m definitely NOT okay, but no one wants to know about it. It helps to talk to someone who has gone through a similar experience – but even then, they may handle everything differently. I’m still angry in my grief and when well-meaning people try to console me, I automatically figure out if they’ve had an important person in their lives die. If you haven’t been through this PERSONALLY, I want to say, please be quiet about it, as no one can understand the depth of feeling. I guess you could say the same to ME, though – I haven’t lost a spouse but a mother, and it seems the spouse loss leaves the most traumatic and long-lasting grief in most cases.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you– everyone grieves in their own way and if it takes you 15 years, then that’s normal for YOU. If a support group would help you, then you should do it (I couldn’t stand it myself) – or any type of counseling or just a good friend who will listen and not say all the dumb things people say. Or antidepressants. Or meditation, biofeedback, etc. Some people just don’t “bounce back” from a lifetime of loving someone, and if that’s crazy, well then I guess I’m nuts. The worst is when people say “She wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve for her like this.” Heck, yeah, my mother would hope that I would grieve at least a bit! And since when did I ever do what she wanted me to do, anyway?

End of rant! Sorry you’re hurting so

Joyce

I feel your pain. I just lost my best friend, fishing buddy, ex husband to bile duct cancer just over a week ago. I took care of him for the past 4 months. His health went down so fast after 5 chemo treatments. Our son and i had to put him in hospice and 3 days later, he died. We are still in shock. Never in my life have i ever seen such an aggressive cancer. It’s horrible. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Stephie1965@hotmail.com

Hya all I too am here crying with grief and rage as I have read and also now reading your story. I feel so much of your pain and loss.
How do these things happen so quickly, with all of our worldly knowledge.
Your experience of cc is so much like ours but we were given no hope from the first day of pain that Alan had. Misdiagnosis by our own doctor, sent home from a dyspepsia clinic just 48 hours before I took him myself as an emergency to the hospital etc. etc.
I feel now that having listened to Alan one thing he said was, when I am gone tell everyone you meet my story and to do something different at least once a year if not every day. I am happy and rich beyond belief. (meaning his friends and family)
I hope you hold on and keep safe your precious memories, these will sustain you during this terrible time and for ever and ever love and light alans mom

Dear Macks,
I am unbelievably sorry for your loss and ordeal. I have been worried that something was wrong as we had not heard from you in such a long time. This is a horrible disease and it is so hard to understand why more people are not able to be helped. It really does seem like it is pure luck as far as your treatment is concerned and your outcome. I’m sorry that you had such a bad experience with the medical community and I guess I am grateful that we seem to have been very lucky to have found DRs. and a facility that have really helped my husband. It could have gone much differently at any time though just as your husband did and I am grateful for every minute and day he is with us. Please know that our hearts and prayers are with you and your family. We will all take your advice and live every day to te fullest! I pray that you will find peace and comfort in time. God Bless. Mary

To the Mack Family- it is so heart wrenching to hear another member has lost the battle and so sorry to hear your experience with the medical community was so horrible. My heart goes out to you and I want to thank you for being part of the CC site and sharing your story. Hold on to your memories and know how important your support was to your loved one.
Patrice