My Dad, My Hero, My Friend

I am so thankful for all your thoughts and prayers, and thank those that have lit a candle for Dad on his Memorial page. I am finding the days are getting harder instead of easier and wonder if the pain will ever stop. I can still see my 4 brothers and my husband carrying my Dad through my house and down my steps for the last time. They did it with such care and love, and then I watched him taken away in the hearse, out of my driveway for the last time. I still hear his screams in the middle of the night, and I jump up out of bed to go to him. This greiving thing is a hard thing, and my heart is aching so. I Loved my Dad more than life itself, and I miss him more everyday. So much has happened, so many other things I need to deal with, and all I keep thinking is that I let him down when he needed me the most.
I ask him everyday to give me the strength I need to get through the coming weeks with my StepMother, in the hopes that he understands.
So much to tell all of you, but still can’t bring myself to write it all down. It is hard to type with tears rolling down my face.
I wish all of you well, and know that you are all in my thoughts.

Love Lisa

I am finding that as the days pass, I am missing him so much more. I cannot believe that I cannot just go up those stairs and talk to him anymore. My StepMother has made such an ugly situation out of everything. She has hurt myself and my brothers beyond forgiveness. My Dad’s wishes were to be buried here on the property, and we were to create a loving living memorial in his memory. The day of his services we were made to sign a document stating that she had total control of his remains, and that she was keeping them with her and he would not be laid to rest anywhere. It is so clear now to all of us, especially me, that she has and always has had total control of him,and still after his death. I am beside myself with anger, but have come to terms with the fact that we will never have a place to visit and remember him. I purchased a beautiful Urn for Dad, and had to sign that over to her as well, or he would have just been placed in a plastic composite box. I watched my Dad suffer terribly at the end, but she was in control, and there was nothing I could have done. I listened to him scream in pain for more than 10 hours and I still hear that voice every night as I try to go to sleep.
I hope that no one ever has to go through what I did, and I only hope that Dad can now see the whole picture, and knows that we never wanted anything but the best for him. He deserved so much more.
I will tell the story, as I need to let people know. I have a meeting set for next week with the Hospice staff, in the hopes that these cases be managed more closely, especially when someone is at the mercy of another.
For now I thank everyone, and if you could visit Dad’s Memorial site and light a candle, it would make my heart ache a little less.

Love Lisa

Thank You all For your caring words and all your help listening to me babble when I was dealing with Dad’s Illness. I have started a Memorial Page in Dad’s Memory……….
http://jamesjholden.last-memories.com

I am only just beginning to grieve, as there is so much going on with Family and such. Starting the site, which will last a lifetime, is helping me get through. This is My time and Dad’s and nobody can take it away from me.

Hugs Lisa