My Husband Frank
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Nancy,
I totally understand. Know that this is normal and venting is good.
My folks started to decline shortly after my husband died and are 87 (almost 88) and in nursing care, too. You feel like you lose your husband and best friend who you could share everything with and always count on for love and support and now have to deal with this too, on your own. I also lost a good friend a few weeks ago who was very supportive to me after Jim passed away. All I can tell you is that it isn’t easy, but it does get better. You will now find out just how strong you are and that you truly can do this. There will be a lot of highs & lows, just like it was when dealing with the CC, but although it never goes away, your pain and sadness will ease. I feel that if we can handle all of this, we can handle almost anything. Come back and vent whenever you need to. We all understand and are hear to listen and help when we can. Thinking of you and hoping for better days ahead.Love & Hugs,
DarlaDear Nancy, my goodness, 3 months is nothing after having spent so long with your husband! This sadness will come and go but if it comes and starts hanging around for a couple of weeks please ask your Doctor to give you something to help. I thought I was do strong but last December which was 3 years I realized I just could not stop crying. Had an appointment with my Gastro for the Colitis and he realized that even when I was doing the “potty talk” to him the tears were running down my face. He put me on Lexapro, a very small dose of 10 mg and it has made a world of difference with no side effects. Be kind to Nancy and know you are perfectly normal. Below is a poem I wrote on how I was feeling when I was about 4 months out from losing Teddy.
How Are You Doing?
Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just one more, to hear.
When someone calls, his message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone.When day is over and dinner is eaten by one,
No more thank you-s for the meal well done.
Can’t find anyone to scratch my back,
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that every things all right!It has now been three months since my husband passed away from this awful disease. I still miss him every day. I am feeling more like myself but still have some very hard days. Today I just feel like crying, but I have to work and later go to see my mom who is 87 and in a nursing home. That alone is depressing. Thanks for being here so I can vent. Nancy
Dear Nancy, you are perfectly normal and it is going to take a lot longer than a month but the fact you went out for lunch is a good sign. You know what you need to do its just that your heart is not in it and that is understandable. Grief is like a flowing river and you have to let it flow, not good to build a dam to stop it. Like Marion says the lore we loved the harder we grieve. Things will ease up down the road and you will know when. After 3 years I have finally stopped talking about Teddy like he is going to walk through the door although I still feel him all around me. If it helps you to write about it don’t feel strange as there are many of us here who have been through the same thing, unfortunately. Perhaps stars are not stars at all but rather openings in the sky where our loved ones shine down on us to let us know they are HAPPY! we smile back up at the stars as that is what our Boys would want. We are still here for you, you are not alone.
It has been one month since my sweetheart has been gone. I miss him everyday. I am still waiting for it to get easier. I feel like I am functioning in a fog. I do everything I normally do, but I don’t feel like it is me doing it. It is a strange and unwelcome feeling. I wonder how long it will take until I feel like myself again? Today I went out socially (for lunch and shopping with a good friend), so I guess that is a step in the right direction. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed!
Nancy, I’m so very sorry to hear about your husband’s passing. God give you strength and good memories.
Hugs,
Iowa Girl
Julie t.Nancy you WILL be fine down the road as you already have found comfort in Frank being around you. I just cannot stress enough how lucky we believers are. I have kept a log in the computer and from Dec 6, 2010 to now I have logged 102 Teddy visits. When I feel down I just read them to remind myself that he is always here. Actually I don’t even need to read them as I so feel his presence. And like I always say the last things our boys want is for us to be sad. It will take some time but you will adjust to your new normal. I wrote this poem about 6 months after Teddy passed:
How Are You Doing?
Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just one more, to hear.
When someone calls, your message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone.When day is over and dinner is eaten by one,
No more thank you-s for the meal well done.
Can’t find anyone to scratch my back,
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that every things all right!We had a memorial service for Frank on Saturday, May 17th, and it was very apparent that I was not the only one who was going to miss him. Over 150 people attended his service. It was a testament to the man he was. I will miss him everyday and it still doesn’t seem real that he is gone. Tomorrow my sister returns to Denver and I will be alone. I will be strong for Frank. I feel his presence and it is comforting. Nancy
I’m so sorry Nancy. I lost my husband Terry to cholangiocarcinoma just three months ago and understand what you are going through. Time does help. Take care of yourself during this very difficult time. Linda
I’m so very sorry for your loss Nancy. I’m sure you are supported by family and friends around you now, but we’re here when you need us.
Lisa
PS, I know you posted elsewhere that you husband said you should look for signs from him after he is gone. I am sure you will get some. I have had signs from my little brother several times after his very unexpected passing and they have given me a lot of comfort that he is okay.
Dear Nancy,
I am so sorry to hear that your brave husband has passed. I am thinking of you and your family. x
Thanks so much for the information and support I have received from all of you. I will continue to pray for those of you still on this difficult journey. God Bless. Nancy
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