Discussion Board Forums Grief Management My world has collapsed because I lost my mother 6 weeks ago today

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  • #68321
    marions
    Moderator

    Desiree…..Individual States provide mental health services therefore, is it possible for you to reach out to this particular Instituition? If anything you may receive some guidance as to whom to contact. Please keep us informed.
    http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/topics/mhlinks_files/cmhc.html
    http://www.kdheks.gov/olrh/RH_MentalHealth.htm
    My heart is with you,
    Hugs,
    Marion

    #68320
    orlysud
    Participant

    I’m hurting so much for my mother. I’m having a bad day! I miss her so much and although she’s always in my hear I’m sometimes in disbelief that she gone. I also know that I will see her again but when??

    I love her so much and she was the only one I trusted & admired. I don’t have the monetary means to seek counseling. It’s going to be worst when I have to go through all her belongings and then let go of her “nest” that she lived in for 25 years in Paris. Crying right now cause I can’t help it.

    Desiree

    #68319
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Jeeyoung and Dee999,

    It’s been 9 months now since my beautiful mother passed away from this monster of a disease. They changed one of my anti-depressants and hopefully this will help me get through the loss and to deal with my late mother’s estate in France. I’ve gone through hell trying to get all the paper work together required by French Law. It’s so complicated, they take their time and always going on vacation. I’m on the final round which involves a mandatory translation from French into English of the Attested Affidavit and Proxy by a “Sworn” translator. So through my attorney in Paris, I found a “Sworn” translator in Paris, as they do not accept a “certified” translator like we have here. Then I have to have it notarized and may have to fly to Chicago and present the translated documents to the French Consulate to sign again and have it stamped. Once this is done and my Notaire (equivalent to an attorney) in Paris receive the hard copy in Paris, the Deed will be in my name.

    It will be hard for me to go back to Paris to her studio when she’s not there. I miss her and love her so much more than anyone in the world. Every morning, I sit outside (weather permitting) in the back yard with my coffee and cigarette (which I picked up again) and talk to her, cry sometimes, and listen to her through my mind. I believe in after-life and I know that when I die, I will see her again and be by her side eternally.

    While in Paris, I have to have the studio and the contents appraised and pay a 30% inheritance fee once the studio is sold. Also, have to check all the electrical outlets and fix the non working one(s) if any, and also check for asbestos, since the building was built in the 70’s. Then, I can put it up for sale. Once there’s a buyer, according to French Law, I have to wait 2 months to get paid, providing that they don’t back out. I have a deadline of November 28th, 2013, to pay the 30% inheritance tax otherwise they’ll charge me an additional 10%. I have to sell some furniture and ship my late mother’s belongings back here, which are so dear to me, especially the last painting she was working on. She must have about 100 or so paintings that I’m going to ship back. I will set up an art exhibition, as that’s what she always wanted, but I’ll keep my favorite paintings. She gave a few art exhibitions in Paris and sold a few of her paintings but that was years ago.

    I have gone through so many hurtles with the estate to get to this point, let alone the grief of my mother. My family which are my two cousins and aunt have told me to get lost because I didn’t send them a copy of the Will. They lie, cheat and steal so they think everyone else has the same mind set. My attorney said it’s none of their business. As a result, my only family told me to they never want to hear from me again. I only love my 85 year old Aunt who was extremely close to my mother and would love to talk to her, but I have to go through my cousins, and that’s impossible. She has probably been brain-washed by her children and doesn’t know the real truth. I will send them a copy of the Will after I inherit my late mother’s estate so they can see that I was truthful and then maybe they’ll allow me to talk to their mother. My aunt helped my mother raise me.

    I have lost my friends since my mother passed away, except for three friends in NYC (which is where I’m from) who keep in touch with me. An old friend from DC also checks in on me. As far as the friends here in Kansas, well they don’t ask how I am because they don’t want to know. Two of them still have both parents so they have no idea what I’m going through. People really show their true colors when one goes through such tragedy. Everyone grieves in different ways and I’m one of those who will grieve for a very long time, maybe forever even though I will heal in time.

    Someone quoted in the discussion “Watching someone you love so much die helplessly, changes you in more ways that you can imagine.” It has changed my life forever and I know I’ll never be the same again. My outlook on life has changed tremendously and I see the world ways I never imagined. The smallest things mean so much to me.

    Sorry I’m going on and on, but this is the only place people understand as they share the same pain and loss from the same disease.

    I’ve been on interviews but no one is hiring me and I know it has a lot to do with my age (59 going on 60 next month). Maybe it’s not meant for me to work right now since I have to leave for France in September, but then again who knows. I do not want to celebrate my birthday (09/30) this year as that was the date that my late mother was rushed to the hospital. Thanksgiving was the date that I flew overseas to see my mother for the last time and bury her on November 29th. I was grateful that I was able to see her even though it was a shocking sight and was 5 days before she passed away, and I’m grateful that I was there to bury her. I’m sure she was grateful that I was there too. Before Christmas I was in Paris in her studio for the first time without her (a friend came with me to support me) and I was walking around like a zombie in shock. I had to get the Deed and all my mother’s documents in order to start the process with the estate. Since my cousins refused to give me her death certificate, I had to go through the U.S. Department of State to obtain it which took 5 months. I flew on Christmas day back from Paris and did not celebrate Christmas and instead received sympathy cards which was very nice. It was the first Christmas that I didn’t send any cards. So this will be the second Christmas without her so it may be a little better this year, but who knows.

    New Year’s Eve was a big one for me too, as I always called her at midnight Paris time to wish her Happy New Year. I miss hearing her voice over the phone every morning and sometimes I’m in disbelief.

    Thank you for listening and bless you all.

    Desiree

    #68318
    jeeyoung
    Member

    Dear Desiree,
    It seems that you are completely overwhelmed by the recent tragedy including losing your cat, dealing with loss of your dear mom, unemployment, handling your mom’s estate, etc. That is a lot for one person to deal with all at once. When we feel overwhelmed, we feel unblanced and out of control.. I do agree with Randi, you need to call your physician and review your medication that are more effective for you so that you feel more balanced.
    I don’t think we could ever get over the loss of someone as precious as a parent (s), child, or loved ones.. we move through stages.. do you have any other family members of close friends you can lean on at a time like this for moral support? We have to take one day at a time… I wish you best of luck finding a job soon.. I think it will help you getting in to the routine, being some what distracted from your sadness… please take care of yourself.

    big hugs to you,

    Jeeyoung (I understand, Desiree what you are going through with losing your mom… I lost my mom too with CC in May..)

    #68317
    orlysud
    Participant

    I have been waiting for a call back to see a counselor.
    I need some relief & I need the legal work to be
    completed in France. I also need to sell my late mother’s
    studio and put it all behind me before I can really
    mourn my losses. I was told that by a Social Worker
    in my Grief group. I don’t know how people get over
    grief but my Doctor said it will take me at least two
    years or more. Loosing my mother was the biggest
    part of my life and my world.

    #68316
    Randi
    Participant

    Desiree,

    I hear the pain in your note. I am so sorry for the recent loss of your cat.

    I would strongly suggest that you make an appointment to go and talk to a counselor or psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe the medication you are on is not the right one for you. You sound like you are at the end of your rope and you need to reach out for help immediately. Is there a hotline you can call when you are feeling like you don’t know how much longer you can go on suffering? You need to make yourself safe and reach out for help.

    We really do care.
    Hugs

    #68315
    orlysud
    Participant

    I’ve been on anti-depressants carefully managed by my doctor, I’ve been attending a Grief counseling group, I’ve been looking for a job, I’ve been biking in the trails and I’m still feel devastated. I miss and love my mother so much and wish I could talk to her and hear her soft loving, caring voice.

    Then we had to put our 18 year old beautiful Siamese down two days ago and all this grief came back and hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. Another death! I love animals more than anything and this was a big blow to me. How can I stop feeling pain and crying? I don’t know how much longer I can go on suffering. There was a point where I was feeling a little better but now I feel that I’ve gone backwards.

    I’m still waiting to inherit her estate in France and it’s coming along slowly but surely, but I need it to be finalized before I can access my late mother’s account in Paris and go to Paris to put her studio up for sale. I must sell and clean out the studio before the end of November or else the French government will not only charge me a 30% inheritance tax but will also charge me a penalty of 10%.

    I wish I could borrow some money from someone who had money in order to get by while waiting for the inheritance to be finalized which should be in the next month or so. My friends are not in a financial situation to assist me and I’m running out of money and no one can help me. My mother was always there to help me emotionally and financially. I wish I could find a temporary job, which incidently, I have signed up with a temp employment agency but nothing has been available even when I call them every Monday for hope that there will be something for me. I have been applying and going on interviews but no luck.

    I am mourning and hurting so badly and have never ever been so devastated in my life. I just want to join my mother and be in her arms and feel no pain but that won’t happen for a while.

    I am just lost with words.

    Desiree

    #68314
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Dee,-

    Beb biking a lot and sitting outside in the backyard talking to my mother and crying that all I can do. The doctor just added a third anti-depressant to give me some relief. I’m not use to all this medication. I can totally identify with you and our pains are so similar.

    I’m listening to Memories from Cats and it reminds me of when my mother and I went to the play on Broadway a zillion years ago and makes me cry and I miss her so much.

    Please call me at 785-691-5102. I would love to speak with you. We’re in Lawrence, KS, Central Standard Time.

    I look forward to talking to someone who feels the same way.

    Take care,

    Desiree

    #68313
    dee999
    Participant

    Dear Desiree,

    What we are going through, is our burden. I know we would not want our Moms to suffer. My Mom was in pain. The day they told me She had cancer, somewhere deep down, I knew that all was lost. If someone asked me, was Her going away so quickly OK ? Yes, I could not bear to see Her in the hospital, lying down helpless, with Her spirit broken at the mercy of doctors and nurses who remembered us as a disease and a bed number. Our lives were over, the day She was admitted in the Intensive Care Unit. My anger,my sorrow, my frustration is to what led us there. Why She had this disease? No, that’s the part I don’t understand.

    Now, when I read or hear the news I pay attention. There is a lot of suffering and pain around and yes there are those who are happier and without a care in the world. But no one ever said life was fair. I close my eyes and picture hugging my Mom and try to breathe,it helps. I try to visualize Her smiling face and joyful eyes and sometimes that help me sleep. She is not in pain any more. That is what I try to tell myself when I cry hard. Watching someone you love so much die helplessly, changes you in more ways that you can imagine. That is something I try to remember, it is not the same any more.

    I try to read, walk, watch tv, knit, clean the house, work, do anything, anything that keeps me distracted. I try to exhaust myself physically so that I can try to sleep at night. I try writing to Her as often as I can. I still talk to Her like She is listening and kiss Her goodnight. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But I try, because I know She would want me to. Sometimes, just listening to the fridge hum and keep breathing helps. Just breathing helps. When I have to let it all out, I do, coz if I don’t cry, it feels like my heart is going to burst. My husband tries his best, but this is my burden. No matter how much some one loves you, they can’t take your pain away. The universe was not designed that way. It is cruel, and I don’t understand it, I don’t want to coz I am human.

    The grief, the pain, doesn’t get better,at least for me it doesn’t. I am starting to realize maybe I have to learn to live with it. Like you, I don’t have a lot of people to talk to who really understand. This is not something, that someone who hasn’t gone through understands. For them it has been ‘n’ number of days/months/years since the ‘incident’ happened and you should ‘move on’. Well, I didn’t really ask for advice or sympathy so I am not obligated to listen. I am not trying to fight anymore, I am just trying to learn how to live with it. Please don’t hesitate in emailing me or if there is a number I could reach you at, I could call you over the weekend too.

    Take care,
    Dee

    #68312
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Dee,

    You said ” I want to scream but I can’t. I want to sob but I can’t. I know what that loneliness feels like. I have wished countless times I could take her place. I could ease her pain. There is regret and guilt and will always be there. I lost that one person I loved the most. I know I am never going to be OK. I am trying to learn how to live with it.’ You took the words out of my mouth as I feel that pain. I can’t stop crying because I miss my mother more than anything in the world and keep thinking about the last few days when she was alive including on the ventilator. I did not expect her to die until the doctor told me the day before that she has only a few days. The meds and the therapy are not helping me at all, I’m not getting better. I have a quick fix and then the waves of grief crash into me. I was doing okay for a while but then, I lost it and cry so hard that I hope my neighbors don’t hear me.

    Sometimes I want to die as I want to be with my mother. I’ve lost contact with my family as they refuse to speak with me because of “money.” I have a partner who can only say “I’m sorry” or give me a hug from time to time. I don’t expect more, honestly.

    It’s 103 degrees here in Kansas and I’m stuck indoors. I’m not working and just waiting for the legal paper work to go through in Paris, but when you’re in limbo it’s horrific. I just want to get the estate over with as I don’t have money, as I can’t even find a temporary job, and no one can help me. Before, my mother was always there for me. I keep hearing her say “Don’t worry, it will be okay.” But nothing is happening.

    I just want to get rid of this terrible pain. I feel abandoned, an orphan without the mother that I loved and still love more than anyone in the world. She was my world!!!!!

    Dee I feel for your pain very much. I know that my mother is immortal and that they’re watching over us and that their spirits are with us. They are waiting for us to join them when we pass on. I wish I could talk on the phone with you, could we? Or Skype?

    A big hug,

    Desiree

    #68311
    marions
    Moderator

    Randi….thank you. Given your professional background, your compliment means much to me.
    Hugs,
    Marion

    #68310
    Randi
    Participant

    Beautifully said Marion.

    #68309
    marions
    Moderator

    How does someone know if their grieving becomes unhealthy? Grief can sometimes become what is called complicated grief. We learned that it is possible to remain in a state of chronic mourning for years, sometimes decades, even a lifetime.
    I was most concerned about my youngest as his grief became complicated and extended. It became unhealthy, moving forward without any resolution and interfered significantly with his ordinary functioning. With the aid of appropriate counseling, I can say that my son has moved through this rather difficult process of grieving. Hence the biggest step of being kind to oneself is to reach out to professionals for guidance.
    Hugs and love,
    Marion

    #68308
    dee999
    Participant

    Dear Desiree,

    Thank you for writing. Pretending to be normal everyday is exhausting. I wish I could say that my grief is getting better with time, but truth is, it isn’t. Part of me still doesn’t understand what really happened. It is very painful when you realize what you are missing everyday. I couldn’t take care of her enough. My grief is probably my punishment. Maybe death is not the worst thing that can happen to someone. I wish someone gave a lesson on how to go on living.

    May you find the comfort you deserve soon.

    Take Care,
    Dee

    #68307
    orlysud
    Participant

    Dear Dee,

    I forgot to mention that the job that I had accepted a month ago or so, I could not tolerate because it was all about selling satellite radios, which is not what I expected, and I couldn’t focus on anything in training as I was on meds and also I was still mourning my mother.

    I too believe in reincarnation and the “afterlife.”

    I hope you are doing a little better. Thank you everyone for listening to me.

    A big hug,

    Desiree

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