April 22, 2013 at 11:03 am #68293gavinModerator
I am sorry to hear of your mums passing, please accept my sincere condolences. I hear what you say about you not being strong, but trust me, you are and you were there with your mum throughout her battle. I can relate to how you are feeling right now as I lost my dad to this cancer. Please know that we are all here for you and my thoughts are with you and your family right now.
GavinApril 21, 2013 at 9:01 pm #68292
I am so sorry to read that your mum had died. It must still be very raw and I understand how hard it is to begin to compute what happened going from a diagnosis to passing in less than 2 months. You said some beautiful things about your mum not ceasing to exist and it is evident that you miss her and loved her very much. Although you say that you are not strong, your strength comes through in your post.
Please come back and let us know how you are.April 21, 2013 at 7:19 pm #68291
Dear Dee, I am so very sorry about your Mom, but as you know she needed that Peace. The strength you have now is coming from your Mom, the strength before she Passed was from you. You may not think you were strong, but you were, it’s all a little clouded now from the grief.
Everyone knows by now that I am a true believer of the beyond and I always say Mother’s never leave their children and she is probably in the next room if not beside you. Be strong, Dee but in a differeny kind of way, Mom is very proud of you.
From a book of blessings called “Benedictus” by John O’Donohue – Irish Poet & Philosopher
When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss.
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.April 21, 2013 at 6:35 pm #68290dee999Participant
Sorry I could not reply back in a while. Mom did eventually fight through her infection and it looked like she was starting to get better. But then she started slipping quickly. She was put on the ventilator on April 10, 2013. She moved on to a better place on April 13, 2013.
I think I understand better what you meant by being strong. I don’t think I ever was. I sometimes just feel mom’s strength. It just feels like her helping me through.
Thank you for listening and for your comforting words. They have always been of great help.
DeeApril 21, 2013 at 6:26 pm #68289dee999Participant
Sorry I haven’t written in a while. My mom moved on to a better place on April 13, 2013. I am still trying to understand what really happened.
She was diagnosed on Feb 1, 2013 when the doctors told me that we at least had a year.
I lived with my mom throughout this nightmare. She had been in the ICU since Feb 18, 2013. I was holding her hand the day she took her last breath. I gave her permission to go. On April 10, 2013 she was experiencing CO2 retention and the doctors told us that a ventilator was our only option. She was on the ventilator for the last 4 days. That was when I saw her cry for the first time. All I could pray for is that if God wanted to take her away please don’t give her any more pain. I have been sobbing bitterly since the day she was diagnosed till April 12, 2013. But I wanted her to die with her dignity. More painful than loosing her would be to watch her suffer helplessly. Loosing her is my burden, I will bear my punishment. But she deserved her peace. On April 13, 2013 after she took her last breath, the nurses removed those numerous tubes hanging out of her and I think I saw a smile. I saw peace. I felt peace. Her smile gave me hope. Hope that my beautiful mom is not suffering any more.
I want to scream but I can’t. I want to sob but I can’t. I know what that loneliness feels like. I have wished countless times I could take her place. I could ease her pain. There is regret and guilt and will always be there. I lost that one person I loved the most. I know I am never going to be OK. I am trying to learn how to live with it.
I know its hard. She is my everything and she will always be. Sometimes I feel like she is holding me and I try to sleep. Sometimes I have to concentrate on some random noise to quiet the voices in my head. But I haven’t been able to cry my heart out. I can’t understand why. Maybe I haven’t realized it yet. Maybe I had time to accept it. I don’t know.
I know its tough, but at least our mothers are not in pain any more. They have given us so much love and so many memories that it isn’t possible for them to die. To me death, is when life ceases to exist. Mom can never cease to exist. She is immortal. Her kindness is, her warmth is. I try to think that she has her peace now. Sometimes that helps me breathe.
DeeApril 20, 2013 at 10:26 pm #68288marionsModerator
Clare….I suppose that in a room with people things work a bit different than on our site. Given the continuance of different threads posted under one heading, I don’t see how we can avoid “butting” in.
This board has been successful for many years now and this accomplishment is due to the multiple conversations by our terrific board members.
As they say: if it works – don’t fix it.
Hugs to you,
MarionApril 20, 2013 at 9:46 pm #68287
Thanks Marion. I’m still finding my way with the forum and the ‘etiquette’ of it. I wonder sometimes on threads like this where it has been mainly between certain individuals, if chipping in is like interrupting a conversation in a real room with real people. That would be considered rude Does that make sense?April 20, 2013 at 7:19 pm #68286marionsModerator
Clare…please, butt in on any conversations. This forum provides the perfect setting for those of us having to share a thought.
MarionApril 19, 2013 at 8:56 pm #68285
I don’t want to but in on your thread but I just wanted to reply while the board is quiet. Well done on going for counselling, that was a brave step to . I don’t know how long you’ve been having counselling but stick with it – it is going to take time to get over the death of your mum. I can understand why those last couple of days with your mum were particularly traumatic – that could not have been easy to watch you mum go through that.
When do you next see your counsellor or doctor?April 19, 2013 at 6:37 pm #68284
It’s been 5 months since my mother passed away from this monster of a disease CC. I am still devastated beyond belief and cry all the time. I’ve been to counseling, I’m on medication for anxiety and I’m still having terrible flashbacks. Flashbacks of the way my mother’s face looked, yellow from head to toe and sick in a hospital bed with tubes hanging out of her veins, she was thinking very hard, my mother telling me that nothing in life interests her any more and that she knows she will never get well again, no desire to eat or drink and didn’t talk unless spoken to. I’m also having Flashbacks of the last 2 days in the ICU, the last day when she was intubated with breathing difficulties, wrists tied to the bed and tubes pertruding from every opening in her body. Finally, my mother writing on a piece of paper “Take me home if you love me.”.. She still had her mind and was aware of her surroundings. Then after passing away, seeing her body and burying her in a foreign country where I felt scared and alone. OMG how am I going to get through this. I miss my mother so much and wish I would have died and been buried with her at the same time. She was my world and I don’t know how to go on without her. I can’t type any more as I’m crying…..IApril 6, 2013 at 11:10 pm #68283
Dear Desiree, I so understand what you are going through and sometimes we have to force ourselves or give a little extra push. First of all my friends, my family (which is very small) and Teddy’s kids listen, listen listen to me talk about Teddy and if they didn’t I would feel there were not worthy of my friendship. Time to make new friends. Even though we were married only 16 years he was the love of my life. I tell myself when feeling a little down, ” Shame on me! I had for 16 years what most people never have in a lifetime!” Then I remember how lucky I am. I have 6 of the most awesome Grandkids. 4 have gone/going to College with 2 more headed that way. All are honor students. Most important they are all good people. When we got married my 2 and his 4 kids acted like they were all blood related, we were truly blessed. I have an amazing son and daughter who believe Teddy was their real Daddy and they were in their late 40’s when he passed. Teddy’s Sister in Dallas has called me everyday since he passed over 2 years ago and his 2 daughters call me 2 X A week. Yes I am very blessed. With all this there are times that all of a sudden I just let out a blast of crying for maybe a minute and then its over. So I know how you feel. So many times I can’t wait to be with Teddy but I do not have a death wish, its more like a comfort feeling as I know when its my time he will be right there waiting for me. I also know my work on Earth is not done, I am very needed down here and anyway in Heaven they have no time issues so even though he is waiting for me he does not wish me to come yet. That is my take on it all. Wish I could give you some sage advise but I can only go by what I think and feel.April 6, 2013 at 10:12 pm #68282
Lainy, sorry I spelled your name wrong in my last message to you.April 6, 2013 at 9:52 pm #68281
I’m having such a hard time without my mother. I have some okay moments and then bad moments, every day. I miss her so much.
DesireeApril 6, 2013 at 9:51 pm #68280
I haven’t written you because I’ve been crying and not doing so well. It’s been hard without my mother. All of a sudden my mother got sick and passed away in 8 weeks, and it just happened too quickly. I am so sad because I’m having a hard time getting through each day without hearing her voice every day when she called me. I talk to my mother (in heaven) asking her to wait for me as when I die I want to be right next to her forever. A friend of mine told me to stop thinking that way as my mother would want me to go on with my life and live it to the fullest. I’m just thinking about the “afterlife” that’s all. I’m having a hard time with life without my mother.
Anyway, how are you doing? And above all, how is your mother feeling?? Please let me know. If you prefer to email me, please feel free to at email@example.com.
I lost 2 so-called friends because they didn’t want to hear about my mother. Well that’s their loss not mine. Amazing how friends show their true colors which to me is a test of friendship.
Anyway, I’m hoping to hear from you soon.
A big hug to you.
DesireeMarch 25, 2013 at 2:13 pm #68279
Dear Desiree, I hope you don’t mind but I would love to wish Mom a Happy Birthday as she watches over you today. Any way you choose to celebrate or not, is your personal choice. I missed something you wrote a few posts ago about people not wanting to hear you talk about Mom. You talk! I told stories about Teddy and talked, talked, talked to anyone who would listen and guess what? I was so fortunate that they didn’t mind listening. I still equate things that come to mind about him. And that talking did help get me through! You do what helps and works for you. Here is something for you….when I am healed from this UC krap, I really want the companionship of a man to do things with and if he doesn’t want to hear about Teddy, than he would not be worthy of me! What ever you are doing, keep doing, it is still going to take some time. I hope today is not too bad for you. Sending you a big hug and tons of love from another Mom.
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