Needing to vent

Hi all. Haven’t been on here too much. Hope everyone is doing okay and trying to enjoy getting ready for the holiday.
I had my scan on Monday and then met with my onc on Tuesday. I also came down with the flu this week and couldn’t have chemo. So, Tuesday we drove our 2 hours to OHSU and didn’t get results from the MRI or have chemo. Two weeks ago I wasn’t able to have chemo either bc my WBC was too low. So I have missed 2 and then next week I was supposed to get chemo but I can’t because I am leaving town to be with family. I guess once again I just feel somewhat defeated and hate that I have to let go of not being able to have control over anything. I am scared, missing chemo is decreasing my ability to fight this damn thing and I tend to overthink what can happen during this 2 week period. Is it aggressively going to get worse? Spread? Get more sick? Etc. All meanwhile awaiting results from this scan. Last time we got results immediately. Today the nurse told me that we need to allow the radiologist up to 2 days to finalize the report. So I feel a little frustrated that things seem somewhat inconsistent. Feeling scared, anxious, and angry. Thank everyone for letting me vent and express how I feel. Blessings to all.
One positive thing is it was my son’s 9th birthday on Sunday and I am so grateful that I got to be a part of that. He is such an amazing wonderful son, and a reminder as far as why I want to fight so hard. I pray that I get to be around for many more…