Not quite a year…grief still gut- wrenching
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I just came back and read my post. It’s been a year and a half now. You know what I didn’t like when it pushed past the one year mark? I could no longer say, “Last year we….” It gets further away from me. No new pictures to look at. I miss him still, everyday. The house is overwhelming. I still can’t make decisions about the future. I’m torn and sometimes feel paralyzed. I cry at the cemetery, or when I walk my dog. I’m used to being alone. I’m forging a life, reinventing myself. It’s okay…but I feel so many decisions loom ahead. I still wear my wedding ring. So, is this it now? I go through my last 20 years remembering him, alone, still feeling married and trying to keep myself busy? Yes, I do keep busy. Winter is brutal…long, dark. But, I’m okay,. I’m doing okay. I’m bored, though, and in a rut of a routine and talk my friends’ ears off because I rarely have adult conversations. It’s hard to feel whole. I don’t. People say I will. I don’t know that I believe that. many many people posted on my sister in law’s facebook page…in response to her sweet statement about thinking of her brother that day and the things she’d like to tell him. 90% of them said: go ahead, he hears every thing, he’s right there smiling and listening. I confess…I got a little angry. There’s no evidence to suggest he’s here, hearing me. He’s in my heart, yes…fills my mind. But, no, those words sounded hollow and unknowing. They meant well, I know. So…I keep moving forward. Seeing kids. Working hard. Painting. Just living forward…
JTaylor, your “Love” is so right in what he is telling you. I feel if he is mentally strong enough to leave then you have to be strong enough to accept his wishes. Our boys just want us to be happy. We have no answers now but some day we will. I discovered that believing in the beyond has really got me through. I feel Teddy al around me all the time. I know he is waiting for me but very patiently, he was a very patient man and I always want things done yesterday. But I am abiding by his wishes. It is not that scary and in a way there is kind of a relief that they are not going through this CC anymore. Going through what I did with Teddy at the end only took away any fear I ever had of leaving. I can’t wait to be with him again however, I am not ready yet. He will let me know when he is ready for me. Frankly, I think he is enjoying his new life and there is nothing wrong with that. Many of us have received word from our departed loved ones (dreams) in which they let us know they are healthy and happy. I think you are going through what we call pre grieving. Very normal sad to say. As you go along this journey it is also just fine to ask your Doc for something to help get you through. Just a little something goes a a long way. As usual please keep us posted as we truly care.
wow, these posts all really echo how I’m already feeling, and my love still has a few months left. I feel like I’ve always known I was too lucky and I’d know this grief some day. I’ve been blessed to have 26 years with this wonderful man, and I’ve signed every card, “One life, one love.” I’d always told him that when he went, I was going with him; but he’s asked me to stay to represent him and keep his memory alive with friends and family. And he knows I have to stay to take care of a disabled sister. But I really don’t want to. I’m scared. Knowing what’s coming, I don’t know how I’ll get thru it.. Like you’ve said, the future seems unappealing.
Dearest Laurie, I am right about the same time as my sweet Mary and it seems as I look back on the last 3 years this last year was hardest and then one of my Docs realized I needed a little help. He put me on a very mild dose of Lexapro and what a difference it made. I had never been on anything like that and I do feel so much better in that way. The grief has to come out and sometimes just takes it time and then one day you realize it’s ok to pick up and go on as that is what our guys would want us to do. We are all here for you so use us if you can. About 6 months after Teddy passed I wrote a poem that I like to use:
How Are You Doing?
Everyone asks me how I’m doing since you went away,
With a smile on my face I answer, “I really am okay”.
Matter of fact its very hard but I promised to be strong,
Until the time we meet again, in your arms where I belong.In the morning when I wake, once where there was warmth all night,
There’s nothing but an empty space and a pillow to hold tight.
Our closet now holds all my clothes it still looks kind of strange,
I try to make it look like more and constantly rearrange.When I’m in the kitchen and working at the sink,
Many times I stop and this is what I think…..
If Teddy was here he’d grab me to give a little cue,
That he was about to hug me and say his, “I love you”.No more are the corny jokes that grew longer by the year,
What I wouldn’t give now for just one more, to hear.
When someone calls, your message is still kept on the phone,
That way no one knows I am really home alone.When day is over and dinner is eaten by one,
No more thank you-s for the meal well done.
Can’t find anyone to scratch my back,
There’s just a big hole here, a hole of midnight black.But, how am I doing? I’m doing okay,
I know that you would want it that way.
And I know you are with me morning to night,
Still watching over me, that every things all right!Hi Laurie,
It’s been almost six years for Darla and 2 1/2 for me. I’m so sorry you lost your husband and are feeling so alone. I think I could have written your post myself… it truly echoes what I have gone through and am going through at present. I’d love to tell you everything will be fine in two or three years. It will get easier, lighter as I was told but no it will never be the same. The future? Wow, unappealing is a good word. I don’t have a lot of close friends either. The ones I do have are all married. For me that is one of the hardest times, to be in a group of married friends or relatives and remember how wonderful that bond was. I was one of the lucky ones, like you, that was married to my best friend. I too am having to make decisions about downsizing and moving. I have a farm that we spent our entire 32 years on together. It breaks my heart to move but I can’t take care of it or afford it. I feel him here too. In fact if I have to be away overnight I can’t wait to get home because I miss feeling his presence. If we move will they know where we are and follow us? Will it be the same? It feels like abandoning him and our entire life together. So you see if you are thinking crazy thoughts like me, you are in good company. I am sure every grieving person out here has their own way to cope. We all think thoughts that we can’t express to people who haven’t shared our experience. That’s why this group is so wonderful. We can vent. People understand here. Even so, my dog is the only one that truly knows my darkest thoughts. Ha. I wish you the best, Laurie. I’m sending a hug…..MaryLaurie,
Everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. I do think you are doing all the right things and are doing OK everything considered. For me it will be 6 years come September and I still miss him and think about him. He is always in the back of my mind, but I can tell you that by pushing through your grief and continuing to live your life, it will gradually get better. We were together pretty much 24/7 for almost 45 years so being alone for the first time in my life has been a real adjustment for me, but I am proof that it can be done.
I am still living my life as we did before, only now I am living it alone. Sometimes having to deal with everything on my own is overwhelming, but I just keep doing what I’m doing and eventually everything works itself out. It’s not always easy and the sadness still comes at times, but I am OK and you will be too. Just take it one day at a time and know that your feelings are normal and you have the right to own them. You will have good days and bad days but as time goes on there are more good ones and less bad.I think your work with the at risk kids is great. I know how much it means to them and I’m sure it is also good “therapy” for you.
Take care Laurie and know that there are others here that know and understand. You are not alone. Feel free to come here and vent and talk about your feelings as much as you want or need to. We are all here to help and support each other.
Hugs,
DarlaI miss him. We were married just five years. We were happy; we found each other; so much life ahead of us. I was a handful. He rolled with me beautifully. He was brilliant, committed, steadfast, strong, loving, tender. I’ve done all I’m supposed to do: grief group, grief counsel, back to work, journal. I laugh, there are okay moments. But he’s always in the back of my mind…mingling there with the laughter. When his loss hits me again and again, it’s like a tidal wave. It washes over everything and leaves me raw. I’m better, yes. But, nothing is the same, nothing feels right. The future is not appealing. Close friends? Just a few, they live out of state. My daughter says to move back to michigan near her. Leaving our house would feel like leaving him, like closing a chapter as if it didn’t happen. The house is a lot to keep up; we heat by wood., very natural. I still want him to come home; isn’t that silly. Almost a year. I can’t look at the future without him in it…or, I don’t want to. When I do? It feels painful. I’m not sure how we get through this grief. I suspect it’s by doing what I’m doing. I smile, I love on the at risk kids I work with, I adore my grand babies….but the emptiness is right. here. often. Missing my Love….
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