November 10, 2009 at 10:09 pm #32603hughesdewyMember
Hi Kris, please don’t give up, you are too young and full of life. I know my mum has put off taking pain relief for fear of it making her feel numb – she wants to feel in control, so I can understand where you are coming from too. But when you are feeling serious pain you really are not in control at all – it controls you. I really hope that you can help manage this with your doctors over the coming weeks, and begin to feel a whole new lease of life and new strength to plan your beautiful garden for next Spring. It sounds idyllic by the way.
My thoughts are right with you, your strength has been such an inspiration, and I hope you can remain positive and fighting for many more months and years.
WendyxOctober 28, 2009 at 3:30 am #32602elib03Member
You are amazing, and are in my prayers every night. Do not live in pain. I understand how you feel but don’t torture yourself by refusing pain meds. After my brother had surgery to remove cancer from his body he refused pain meds…A nurse told us once that letting your body stay in pain is stressful on your body and it cannot heal or it takes longer to heal. Blessings, EliciaOctober 28, 2009 at 3:12 am #32601sharon_teammarianMember
I just joined this board recently but have been lurking for a few months. My mom was diagnosed in July and is either late stage 3 or stage 4 depending on which doctor we talk to. (We decided to stop caring about stages and focus on my mom only.) Both as a lurker and now as a participant, I have read many of your posts. You are incredible and have helped me to better understand what my mom may be experiencing. But this post of yours reminds me so much of my mom that I wanted to respond.
Like you, my mom is absolutely adamant that she will not take prescription pain medicine until she has to. At 79 years old, she takes no medication at all and it is both a source of strength and of pride for her. I do believe that it is her way of giving this disease a not so polite hand sign.
However lately her pain has been increasing and she also was just diagnosed today with hepatic encephalopathy. She agreed to take lactulose and prevacid (antacid) but is still refusing pain meds as today she’s feeling ok. For my mom, even accepting the lactulose and prevacid is a major concession. As she said, “I’ll do what needs doing but I don’t have to like it”.
I have some many different feelings warring inside me: on the one hand, I absolutely don’t want her to feel anymore pain than she has to and know there are medications that can help her; on the other hand, I love her fiestiness and spirit because it is so her. Whatever you do, it will be the right thing for you to keep “you” here and fighting strong.
I’m thinking of you and sending positive energy your wayOctober 27, 2009 at 11:18 am #32600louiseMember
I think I can relate to your feelings. My initial diagnosis was in May ’07 so I’m approaching the 3-year survival point. I’ve recently been experiencing the worst pain of my life due to blockage near the kidney. About 2 weeks ago, I requested (and received) help for pain management. I have had lots of Dr appt and treatments. Yesterday, they inserted a stent that will probably need to come out in 4 months. The question to answer at that time is if it will need to be replaced or if the coming chemo/radiation will shrink the tumor that has caused blockage. Though my bowels are not back to normal yet, the stent should prevent the kidney from experiencing permanent damage. So far, my creatinine count has been improving.
I don’t know if you have done any funeral planning, but Tom and I visited the local funeral home about a year ago. We bought a cemetary plot and made plans. We ordered our headstone, and it is beautiful and meaningful. When Tom’s Mom passed away 27 + years ago, he and I were the ones who met with the funeral director and felt the stress of needing to make many decisions while dealing with grief in a short period of time, wondering what Mom would have wanted, and how to involve the family members who needed to work through their own grieving. By doing our own planning, we were able to avoid the rush and wondering about the deceased’s wishes. The planning almost felt like planning the biggest party of our lives. Tom asked the funeral director about something that would not have occurred to me. Many people associate black with mourning and the dominant color at many of the funerals I’ve attended was black. I had told my daughter I don’t want a sea of black when my time comes; I want a full rainbow of color to celebrate the life we’ve had. So, our funeral director is going to have a florist color 200 carnations. If 200 people come to my funeral, each will get a carnation and I’ll have my sea of color like I want. The headstone is in place and I’m discovering how peaceful the cemetary seems. I sometimes stop by just for another look. We ordered a statue of the Good Shepherd, so our plot is not one that should require a lot of searching on foot when someone wants to visit. My sea of carnations may compare to your year-round blooms of color at the cottage. I can picture it. If you go first, I hope you’ll be one of the first to greet me at the Pearly Gates. If I go first, I’ll be watching for you.
LouiseOctober 26, 2009 at 5:55 pm #32599ajcarman72Member
I am thinking about you and wishing you the best Kris. You have every right to be angry and upset. Don’t give up!October 26, 2009 at 5:38 pm #32598amyleaParticipant
I am so sorry. I like Stan feel a real connection to you and feel like I know you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am not even going to pretend like I can feel what you are feeling. I can only imagine how your mind is going all of the time.
Please Please get something to help with your pain. Mom was a totally different person when she was in pain, her life was miserable. They key for her was to get something to deal with the pain long term, and then she had short term pain meds to help when she had breakthrough pain. Before she got the long term pain meds she was taking too much short term pain meds, and it was making her way too drowsy. Once she got the long term pain meds she didn’t have to take nearly as much breakthrough pain meds and she was much more herself.
I have dealt with death in both fashions; my dad had a sudden heart attack and was just gone, and then you know about my mom. One thing that I would always say to Mom was, “I could drive my car out onto the street and have a wreck and be gone,” I now see that wasn’t fair of me. I just didn’t want to think about the fact that she had a terminal illness and did what I thought would make us both feel better, but I shouldn’t have done that. I should have let her talk more about her feelings and the fact that she had a terminal illness. We want to be able to do that on this board, we are all here for you. I hope that I am making sense. With that being said, your fight is far from over, there are new studies and the possibilities of new cures coming up all of the time. Please continue to fight with Leroy!!!!
We love you,
AmyOctober 26, 2009 at 2:30 pm #32597lisaMember
Kris, you know we love you and support you here. Like others said, its important to get the pain under control so you can be MORE you, not LESS you.
Don’t feel bad about whining or complaining. You’re entitled to it after all you have gone through.
I too am facing my third year of cancer, and the very real possibility of death sooner than I would like.
But just as I had no choice as to when I came into the world, I have no choice as to when I leave this world. It is in God’s hands. I have found the peace that passes understanding. I hope, dear Kris, that you may find it too.
LisaOctober 26, 2009 at 12:11 pm #32596betsyMember
I’m not going through what you are and I can’t even imagine how difficult this is for you but I do know how hard it is to feel emotionally tough or positive when I am in pain. I hope the doctors can give you something to make you more comfortable without making you feel less like you. I want you to go buy yourself that new winter coat or anything else that makes you feel better even if its for a brief moment.
Hugs and kisses from Cleveland, Ohio,
betsyOctober 26, 2009 at 11:55 am #32595lalupesParticipant
Kris, I just want to repeat everything everyone else has said. You are such a remarkable & truly wonderful person & such an inspirational role model – please say whatever you want to say to us whenever you want to say it. You’ve been here for me & I will do all I can to be here for you, too.
Please get a really GOOD, warm, funky coat & stick two fingers up at this cancer. It will not be allowed to stop you enjoying yourself for as long as you are here to enjoy it.
Sending you lots of love & hugs from London. Hans is so lucky to have you.
Julia xxxOctober 26, 2009 at 11:37 am #32594kristinMember
I think the first thing you need to do is get your pain under control. When you are in pain, it makes everything seem so much bleaker and harder to deal with. Please, please talk to your doctors and make them give you something that will make you comfortable, and then see how things look. It’s not an admission of defeat– it’s good self-care!
And please know that you can share ANYTHING with us here. This is a place where it’s OK to be scared, mad, whiney, or anything else you feel. You don’t ever need to be brave or jaunty or anything else here if you’re not feeling that way today. We all love you for who you are– everything you are.
Big hugs coming your way from
the other Kris(tin)October 26, 2009 at 10:08 am #32593gavinModerator
I wish I knew what to say that would help or answer your questions for you but I don’t. You don’t have to apologise to us Kris for anything, you have every right to feel angry and have a whine fest as you put it. And I agree with Lainy about not feeling guilty about hurting Hans and your family, they wouldn’t want you to feel like that.
We are all here for you Kris and you are in my thoughts.
Big Hugs and best wishes
GavinOctober 26, 2009 at 12:30 am #32592scarman2009Member
I’ve only been here a short time, but from the messages I’ve read… I feel as though I know you.
I am grasping at what I might say that would make you feel a bit better today, and I’m coming up short. I guess the best that I can say right now is that you are in my thoughts and I hope that strength and courage makes it your way.
All my best,
StanOctober 26, 2009 at 12:17 am #32591darlaParticipant
Dear, Dear Kris,
You have every right to all those thoughts & feelings. I feel so badly for you. I know there is no way any of us can really know what you are experiencing & going through, but we are all here for you. You and Hans are in my thoughts & prayers.
With much love & lots of hugs for both of you.
DarlaOctober 25, 2009 at 11:00 pm #32590newfjamMember
You have a right to whine and I think you need to do a little of this. You are always the strong one, the funny one, the all time warrior. But I imagine when that strength is sometimes hard to find, that you must feel alone. You are the one protecting those around you that you love. As a fellow tough southern girl I understand your need to be in control and protect others. I just don’t want you to feel alone. Nobody wants to discuss death. I think we view anybody facing it or touched by it with discomfort. Its ok and normal that despair sneaks in…but I too know that you will show despair to the door and tell him its time to go. I also know that you have a lot of folks here that would be happy to “take him out back” for you.
JanOctober 25, 2009 at 10:54 pm #32589lainyMember
Our dearest Kris. I don’t know what to say. I have yet to encounter anyone going through what you are and you know we love you to bits. Kris, not to be maudlin, but do you have anything like Hospice where you are? I think something like that may be of help to you physically as well as mentally. I don’t know a soul who would not be angry and scared. Please don’t feel guilty about who you are hurting. There is no such thing. We talk about you and think about you all the time. I am picturing a cottage so full of flowers in the yard there is no room to walk. Our prayers are with you to be strong to the best of your ability through Gods hands.
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