Psychological question also

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  • #61338
    marions
    Moderator

    Melissa…you have already been given some great feedback, I would only like to add that “denial” is not necessarily a bad state of mind to be in. The problem is that it leaves those of us, who are able to see things clearly, feel somewhat abandoned by our loved one’s actions. It changes the dynamics of closeness, and to some extent the expression of honesty with those we expect to be on our side. I was in a similar situation with my husband’s family, as they simply could not comprehend or acknowledge that their brother, uncle, and nephew was terminally ill. I felt abandoned, but quickly realized that they had to use a protective, emotional shield in order to cope with the situation.
    Fortunately I had many friends (some physicians) who stood by my side throughout.
    Just wanted to share.
    Hugs,
    Marion

    #61337
    ronidinkes
    Member

    Dear Melissa,
    I think my mother was in denial until she actually passed. She never quite believed what was going, I think it was her protective shield. She did not really want to know and we honored her wishes by not telling her how bad it actually was, because it seriously scared her too much. Enjoy each moment, hold hands, eat icecream, smile, and laugh.
    Sending prayers and love your way.
    Hugs,
    Roni
    ronidinkes@yahoo.com
    or you can find me on facebook

    #61336
    Randi
    Spectator

    As a patient myself I can say that I went thru many stages of feelings. I found it really helpful to understand the cycle of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross created. Here is a link to an explanation of that

    (http://www.businessballs.com/elisabeth_kubler_ross_five_stages_of_grief.htm#elisabeth_kubler-ross_five_stages_of_grief)

    Scroll down the page a bit and look at the table that outlines the stages. It is a lot clearer than the text (full disclosure, I didn’t read that entire article).

    One thing to keep in mind is that this is not linear…people don’t move from one stage to another in order. Sometimes you are at one stage and move back or forward depending on the information.

    There is no way to ‘make’ someone else get to acceptance faster. But I do believe that getting all of the information is helpful since withheld information cannot be dealt with.

    Sounds like a good counselor might help your Mom express her feelings, but it’s difficult to make someone talk to a counselor until they are ready and I think that sometimes we have to accept that that day may not come.

    Hope this helps.
    Hugs
    -Randi-

    #61335
    pamela
    Spectator

    Hi Melissa,

    Didn’t Dr. Zalupski talk to your Mom about her cancer? The first time we saw him he told Lauren that her treatment would all be palliative and she would not live past 5 years. I did not like him too much after that visit. But, he didn’t sugar coat anything and he was giving us the facts based on statistics. That sure did wake us up. I remember I was in the room with Lauren and my oldest daughter, Kristen and her husband Bruce. We all busted out crying and Bruce hugged me so tight. Lauren knew then that she had a bad cancer. No denial for her. She doesn’t like to hear bad things about this cancer or doesn’t ever want to read posts on this site. So, I think your Mom knows. She is probably trying to make it easier for you and everyone else. I am happy to say that Lauren has pleasantly surprised Dr. Z and everyone else with her progress and they are now even talking resection. And by the way, we now love Dr. Z. He cares so much for Lauren, but doesn’t want to give false hope. Take care Melissa.

    Love, -Pam

    #61334
    pcl1029
    Member

    Hi,
    As a patient myself,nothing is more important than what I wanted for myself;that is including medical and emotional advice and TREATMENT.
    However, the average patient must be informed about his/her illness , current condition and prognosis by a medical professional ,in this case, her GP or ONC doctor directly. this is part of the professional responsibility of the doctors . So all you need to do is talking to her doctors and make sure your mom is truly and accurately informed about her disease state and prognosis;in the way, your mom has to accept the truth and this will free you from confrontation with your mom. After that ,it is all up to the PATIENT to decide what is the best for his/her future .
    God bless,

    #61333
    gavin
    Moderator

    Hi Melissa,

    Like Nancy, this is a tough one for me also as my dad never went through this himself and we were able to discuss pretty much everything so I can’t offer any personal experiences here either that would help. I can understand why your mum is acting like this, it sounds like she doesn’t want to face up to everything and deal with it all. Hopefully others will be along soon that can offer better advice than me on this. But someone that may be able to help is Dr Giles here on the site. He can be contacted using the following link and this link also has a webinar that he presented a while ago about the emotions of diagnosis and also some of his previous answers to questions that were put to him. I think that he may be able to help you here.

    http://www.cholangiocarcinoma.org/ask.htm

    Hugs,

    Gavin

    #61332
    nancy246
    Spectator

    Hi Melissa, This is a tough one. My husband went through denial too. Everyone is different and reacts differently. I would say that this is her coping mechanism at this time. Maybe give it a little time and gently ask her about her feelings when you have some alone time with her. Sometimes the patient is afraid of upsetting those they love with their feelings so hold them in. My husband found a confidante in his chemo nurse and expressed some of his fears to her. Sending hugs to you and your mom. Nancy

    #6872
    melissapalma
    Spectator

    I also have a psychological question about my mom – she is in pretty serious emotional denial about having cancer. She is acting like everything is ok and that she has this pesky UTI or swollen leg but she has said she doesn’t want to hear the word “cancer”. She is upbeat and joking. She drives herself places, goes out with friends, mows the 10 acre lawn, and so on. And so I know that on one hand, it is great for her to hold on to normalcy as long as she can and continue to do the things in life that she enjoys. On the other hand, my mother (and father and a lot of my family) is emotionally disconnected from any hint of a feeling. They avoid conflicts at all costs. They don’t like to talk about feelings or ask for what they need. And I am realizing that my mom texts me and shares what is going well but not any negative side effects until after the fact or much later.

    I tried to get a social worker for our family but she said “maybe later” (same about seeing a nutritionist). She is in such denial, she won’t accept help or take advantages of the resources that U of M has to offer.

    I am having a hard time making sense of it. I want to give her space and not badger her into feeling bad but I also believe that our minds and bodies are linked so denying that she is afraid or mad or sad can actually make her more sick, in my opinion.

    Any feedback is appreciated.

    Melissa

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