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I am glad your husband is doing so much better! Around here, coming hoem with one tube is a blessing!
Hooray for the pathology report. Sounds like the road to recovery is starting to roll out the welcome carpet!!
Just got off the phone with my husband. The doctor came in and told him when they opened him up to do the surgery he had so much infection in him that he was lucky he didn’t die. If our primary doctor had not switched his antibiotic then he probably would have.
On a good note however he may be coming home either tomorrow or Friday. He has to come home with a JP tube but I am OK with that. That really is easy to take care of not to mention it is not forever. It is only to drain all of the fluid off of him and the infection. Once all of that is over it will be removed and he will finally be tube free. We still have not got the final pathology reports back but the preliminary showed negative margins. Keeping our fingers crossed on that one. He got to eat solid food today and is tolerating that well. He is walking around so much now that they are telling him to slow down before he hurts himself. He said he actually feels good. He is in some pain but as long as he stays on top of it and takes the medicine like he should he can work with it. They took the pain pump away from him. He had quit using it. He is now taking medicine orally.
This is twice now since he got diagnosed that I almost lost my husband because the doctors didn’t catch something. These doctors knew he had an infection and just kept changing his tubes hoping that would help it. All it did was aggravated it more. I am so thankful for our family doctor because he has actually saved my husband’s life twice now.
As far as his attitude it is getting better. I know he has a long road ahead of him but if he will keep the good attitude then I know he can make it through anything. I just hope we can make it.Since I was the patient and not the caretaker I have a different view point. My doctors automically put me on low dose of lexipro. Apparently I was not a pleasant person, my daughter who has the patience of job threatenned to put me in nursing home, which I was ok with!! I remeber hating bathes, physical therapy, occupational therapy and anythging that involed being among the living!! I now love my showers and being alive again, but only because I put my caretakers (sisters, daughter, and husband) through hell and they didn’t put up with it. I am living proof that things do get better. Hang in there and don’t worry about being bitchy, we do come to appreciate it. Cathy
I am also happy to hear that your husband is making a turn for the better, mentally.
This operation cause quite a bit of trauma to the body and to the soul and that can lead to depression. Your husband still has quite a bit of recovery before him and I hope that while his body is healing his mental state also will improve. In fact, when attending medical conferences often much attention is given to cancer and the ensuing depression after diagnoses.
Best wishes,
MarionI am glad your hubby is doing better, even if it took a little “tough love”. I hope he gets to come home soon and seeing your boys will make a difference.
I am ashamed to say I snapped at my mother yesterday. We’re not supermen and superwomen. I am exahusted and overwhelmed after 38 months chemo and all the other treatments that go with this disease. I hope that your husband regains his will to live and be husband and father to his family.
So glad to hear that your hubby is doing better. As hard as it is, don’t take him personally right now. He isn’t himself with all he is facing. He is so close to his cancer and mortality that he has trouble seeing beyond that. Support him as best you can and take time for you. You can vent here or to others who care about you. It has been amazing for me to find others going through what I am. I was so glad to see your post initially, because I had started to think that others weren’t facing a difficult loved one with cc. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I pray for better days. Blessings, Susan
Thank You everyone for the great advice. I am not at the hospital with him because I had to come home and go to class. If I miss I don’t get a paycheck and I am our only income right now. He is actually doing better since my last post. He told me Sunday night that he is giving up and I told him when I got home on Monday I was going to take a picture of the two little boys he is giving up on and send it to him. His whole attitude changed Monday morning. He is pushing himself (still within his limits) so he can come home healthy. He actually got to start eating today and the doctor said he could probably come home in a couple of days. I hope he sticks with it. He seems to be doing a whole lot better without me there. That kinda hurts some but the main thing is he is getting better. The nurses have already talked to him about a social worker and I think one is coming in today. I hope he gets the help he needs. He seems to be getting a positive attitude now. I just wish he would let me vent my emotions too. I am very glad I have found you guys because it has helped me more than you will ever know. Just to find people going through the same thing you are.
I am sorry your husband is not doing well, mostly mentally and emotionally.
In addition to everyone else, I would talk to the Dr. about antidepressants. My dad has had about three cross words with me until his CC diagnosis in March. I never saw him cry before all this. Even with a positive diagnosis, this has to be life changing for him in many ways…and you too, but he likely can’t see that yet. Frankly, in the beginning, I was annoyed with the social worker, but she was a godsend in the end. They can help you with so many things and they have been through this before!As the primary caregiver and trying to take care of small children, you are doing so much! Give yourself a break too!! I,too, am new to the board and they have been so welcoming and kind. I hope you get some answers!
Stacey
I know your story. My husband has been more unkind than kind. I remind myself that for over 26 years, he was not like this. The emotional and verbal abuse is a result of his illness. I am not saying that is true for everyone, but it seems to be true in our case. Once I wrote my husband a letter explaining that I loved him and was not his enemy. I would stand by him, but I missed the husband I used to have. This helped for a little while. It seems our marriage is as much a roller coaster now as his hehealth. Once I prayed and said, “God, you told me you wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. Well, I need a miracle now.” Within moments, my husband was smiling and sweet again (for awhile). I think they are very scared and hate not having control. This makes their anger more prevalent. My husband often does not remember that he has been difficult. Remember to take care of you. If you need a break, take it. Come back here often. This community is so supportive and wonderful. Vent here. It will help you when you get the feelings out of your body. Blessings, Susan
In addition to all the great advice already given, I would like to point out that we have our very own Dr. Giles, who will gladly answer your questions and concerns. You can find him: top bar, patient support, and scroll down: to Dr.Giles. His wisdom and professional advice has helped many of us to understand and to cope with overwhelming issues.
I am glad that you have found us.
Best wishes,
MarionKMWMSM: When my husband Tom was in the hospital he was kinda like your hubby. I took the ‘abuse’ up to a point and then I finally stood up and and picked up my purse and said “I love you, but I am your wife and I am here because I love you. I don’t have to be here, and frankly I don’t like your attitude. I’m sorry you have cancer, I know you are hurting but you have to want to help yourself and get better and you can’t do it laying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. I’m leaving now and maybe I will come back and maybe I won’t. If I do come back I hope you are in a better frame of mind and maybe, just maybe you better rethink your situation and think about what you can do to help yourself.”
Then I left the room, went out to my car and drove to the place where I was staying, crying all the way of course. I was at the edge of exhaustion, so I showered, took a nap, grabbed something to eat and then went back to the hospital. When I walked back into his room about 3 hours later, he was very happy to see me. He thought I’d left and went back home to Green Bay.
He was apologizing left and right cause he knew he was wrong to take all his frustrations out on me. (But people do that to the ones they love) And let me tell you it was just the kind of ‘talk’ that he needed. He then started doing his walking and started eating better cause he knew that in order to get out of the hospital only HE could make the changes that needed to be made.
Sometimes we as wives just need to stomp our foot down and say ‘enough is enough’ and let the man know that we have reached our breaking point too!
Looking at it from his perspective though, he is probably hurting, scared, frustrated and you are the closest person to him right now and he feels ‘comfortable’ taking it out on you! Therefore it’s up to you to put a stop to it.
Having said that though, it certainly would not hurt to get the Social Worker, or even a mental health professional to come in and talk to your husband. His actions (or reaction) to a diagnosis of cancer and undergoing a huge surgery is normal. I’m certain that others have gone through similar situations as well. At one point Tom did talk to a mental health professional and it did help somewhat.
We still have some rough patches even now, but whenever necessary I stomp my foot and do the wifely talk and that generally helps. He knows that I am his biggest advocate and he knows that without me by his side, he would be in a nursing home.
I hope you can ride this one out. Don’t give up on him, he is in a tough situation and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Sometimes those husbands are just like the kids and you need to treat them as such when he ‘misbehaves’!
Go with God, hugs!
Margaret
Does he understand that they will not keep him there forever? Is he getting visits from a physical therapist? They usually are pretty no nonsense about getting up and walking.
You should not have to take verbal abuse, I think Lainy’s suggestion is a good one, I would ask to see a social worker at the hospital, if he won’t talk to him or her, at least you can.
Patty
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