Sad sad sad day…

Dear Emily,

I used to be a regular on this board, but I’ve been avoiding it for the past few months. Now I see your posts and I wish I had been here to tell you my experiences, since your mom went through a lot of what my mom went through, and maybe we could have helped each other. Then again, maybe it’s better that I didn’t bring you down. My mom was diagnosed November 15, 2006 and she died on January 22, 2007 — in 2 short months she was gone. I now know that ascites that spread to the thighs means the liver/kidneys are not working, and it’s’ the beginning of the end.

I am so sorry that our mothers had to suffer like they did. Mine was young (64) but yours is even younger. What a terrible loss. I just wanted you to know that I cried as I read your posts, and I know a lot of what you’re feeling. I know you feel so alone and like no one can possibly understand — and it’s true, nobody can know the depth of the bond you shared with your mother. My mother was also my best friend, my confidante, my soulmate, my mother and father and sister all rolled into one – and my only sibling, a sister, is just in denial and hasn’t grieved at all and just stays cheerful. So I know what it’s like to grieve alone, and I know I have “complicated grief” because I was so very close to my mother. Please know that the pain may not necessarily go away (it hasn’t for me) but it gets more bearable with time. You will think of your mom every day, every hour, but maybe not every minute, and not with that pain in your chest that makes you think you cannot breathe or go on. IT’s hard to offer words of comfort when I know you’re hurting so very badly, but if you ever want to talk, I am here and I will listen and commiserate.

I also had questions about how to deal with my young child’s attachment to my mother. My daughter had just turned 4 when my mother died, and she spent at least 3 days a week with my mother and ADORED her (preferred her over ME, really). It took about 2 months for my daughter to accept that Grandma was really GONE, but she still didn’t really accept it. She started acting out, having tantrums, looking for my mother. My broken heart was even more shattered. I can recommend some books (for you and for your daughter) if you like. I wound up taking my daughter to a pediatric psychologist (talk therapy, no drugs) for 6 months, and it helped a lot. But to this day my daughter avoids mention of my mother — and sometimes I catch her caressing the photo of my mother that I have displayed in the living room. The only thing that kept me going was my daughter — and I know that you are trying to be strong for your child, too. I keep my mother’s memory alive and every Christmas and birthday, my daughter gets a gift from “Grandma Fifi.” I also show her the jewelry that she will inherit when she’s old enough and I always wear my mother’s ring.

Sorry for the long post — I was so touched by your posts that I had to reach out to you. I understand if you don’t want to talk or even think about it, since everyone has their own coping mechanism. But I’m here if you need an ear. I’m here if you’re angry, depressed, denying, positive or negative. My last piece of advice is to surround yourself with other people who loved your mother; though they may not have loved her as much as you do, you can talk about her and keep her alive in your memory and not feel so alone. It’s terrible to be around people who are uncomfortable and won’t even mention your mother’s name anymore, as if she never existed.

I wish you some measure of peace in these hard days ahead, and my heart breaks for you in sympathy.

Joyce M

I am so very sorry to hear the news of your mums passing. Please accept my sincerest condolences.

My thoughts are with you and your family right now.

Gavin

I am so sorry for your loss. CC is a devasting disease and your mom fought as long and as hard as she could. Hopefully as time passes, you will remember her as she was before cancer.

Hugs and prayers to your family.

Kris

I’m sorry to read of your mom’s passing DD, I hope the memories of your mom and the love you had for her will help see you through the pain.

Dear DD

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. Cherish the memories….Hugs to you….

i am sorry for your loss.

sending lots of love and hugs to you

moontje

Dear DD,

I am so sorry to here that your Mom has passed away.

Sending lots of love and hugs

Thinking of you

Andrea x