Struggling with loss

Alla,

I played the “what if” game so many times after my Mom died….After all I’m in the medical field and my Pathologist and I diagnosed her. I wondered (still do at times) what did I miss?….What did I not see or follow up on?….

You’ve been on autopilot for several weeks now. The hard part will come later

I diagnosed my Mom in May 2008 and she died April 2009. After her death I was on autopilot for several months, busy with all the things a death brings. I gave her eulogy, wrote all of the thank you notes, cleaned out her closet, and when everything was pretty much done and grief really hit…I discovered the world had moved on and I most certainly HAD NOT! I really thought all of the anticipatory grief would have prepared me for the reality of losing Mom. I’m here to say….IT DOESN”T!!!

I missed calling her on my way home from work everyday. I missed telling her about my children’s accomplishments. I would have given anything to just hear her voice! I was appalled when my best friend told me to get over it and move on….grief would not bring her back or change things. (As a side note here, it was only my Southern upbringing and my fear of prison that kept me from killing her….) Most people did not want to talk about even the good times much less my loss!

I discovered I was mad at pretty much everyone….even God. My support came from some of the most unlikely sources…. This board was a godsend. I was able to rant, rave, ask questions and draw on the experiences of those who had traveled the road I was now embarked upon. I chose to be very kind to myself and gradually let go of those I felt were not supportive of me or my grief. Grieving is intense and personal. No two people will grieve in the same way or in the same timeline. I surrounded myself with people that truly cared and most of those had experienced the loss of a loved one. My husband was amazing. He had lost both of his parents and was so loving and supportive of me in my most crazy, insane moments. He and God pretty much took the brunt of my grieving. I’m pleased to say both loved me enough to put up with me!

I’ve found embracing my grief and being open and taking the time to grieve has been the best road for me. I can still be reduced to tears catching a whiff of my Mom’s perfume in a store but each day the good memories are becoming the ones I remember most AND first.

Our family has always been involved with church and charities. I spend a great deal of time outside of work being a volunteer with the USO and the Marine bases near my house. My son in love is a Marine so it’s personal as well. I view my volunteer work as a living tribute to my amazing Mom.

I smile now as I come across my “Pennies from Heaven” and keep all of them in a jar on my desk.

You’ll find your pathway and if you are kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, you’ll be OK. I’ve learned lessons and believe I’m kinder and more compassionate. I think I value the small things more. Remember…..if you had not loved so much you wouldn’t be grieving so hard…. Personally the love was well worth the grief…..

We’re all here for you….take care!

Hugs,
Pam

Alla,

You are just beginning this journey and I’m not going to tell you it is going to be easy. It is not. I’m four years into this and still have my good and bad days. You never know what or when it will hit, but with time it does get better.

I read this and posted it a while back:
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. That is so true.

Just keep on going as best you can and deal with things as they come. One day at a time.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

Alla, it is going to take time. You were so busy at the end you didn’t really have time to imagine what it would be like. Like Marions says, the harder we love the harder the grief. For me, I surrounded myself with Teddy. I would spray his cologne on his pillow. I looked for ways he might reach out to me, I felt such a strong presence. How about bringing out all your pictures and help the boys to make scrapbooks. I felt it best to keep it in the forefront not to hide behind it. Let the grief come out and when the time is right to move on a little bit you will know it. I promise that eventually all the good memories will outweigh the bad and that will help too.

From a book of blessings called “Benedictus” by John O’Donohue – Irish Poet & Philosopher

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss.
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.