January 23, 2012 at 12:41 am #56729marionsModerator
Someone had posted this lovely poem. I thought to share it again. It speaks of a father and yet I believe it to be equally appropriate for the loss our our mothers.
SHIFTING THE SUN
When your father dies, say the Irish
you lose your umbrella against bad weather.
May his sun be your light, say the Armenians.
When your father dies, say the Welsh
you sink a foot deeper into the earth.
May you inherit his light, say the Armenians
When your father dies, say the Canadians
you run out of excuses.
May you inherit his sun, say the Armenians.
When your father dies, say the Indians
he comes back as the thunder.
May you inherit his light, say the Armenians.
When your father dies, say the Russians,
he takes your childhood with him.
May you inherit his light say the Armenians.
When your father dies, say the British,
you join his club you vowed you wouldn’t.
May you inherit his sun, say the Armenians.
When your father dies, say the Armenians,
your sun shifts forever
and you walk in his light.January 22, 2012 at 11:45 pm #56728monkeybuttParticipant
Thank you so much for sharing those hartbreaking days and moments!
And I don’t think seeing your mum pass away will haunt you – being with her at that time is the ultimate expression of love and that soothing touch is precious beyond words. You will always know you were there for her when she needed it most, and that is no small comfort.
Bless you!January 22, 2012 at 7:40 pm #56727nancy246Participant
For all of us out there who have lost our mothers:
“I am reminded that what I adore, admire, and draw from Mother is inherent in Earth. My Mother’s spirit can be recalled simply by placing my hands on the black humus of mountains or the lean sands of desert. Her love, her warmth, and her breath, even her arms around me – are the waves, the wind, sunlight, and water.” Terry Tempest WilliamsJanuary 22, 2012 at 3:27 pm #56726
Thank you so much for listening and being there!
Sending tons of love your way!
roniJanuary 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm #56725mkParticipant
Roni, I am so sorry to hear about your mother becoming more fragile. I’ve been reading your posts, often identifying with your feelings. I think distance makes everything much worse. Having to talk on the phone and not being able to see your mum…It was much harder for me when I couldn’t see her (me living in London and her in Greece).
But when the time comes you do resume powers you thought you never had. I’d been told that and never believed it until I experienced it. Once I saw my mother and realised she was in her final days, I kind of forgot that I’m her daughter and tried to become her guardian angel instead, stopped crying and smiled more, cos I wanted her last impressions in this life to be of my smiling face.
Savour these “I love yous” – that made me cry, when I read about them – they will be such precious memories. And also, I know it’s hard, impossible even, but try to focus on the fact she’s still here and don’t think about what’s coming. I wish I were able to do that.
It’s great that you rejoined your temple. Church also helped my mum, I think. Unfortunately it doesn’t do it for me, so I’m contemplating therapy or counselling, or even group therapy, as I like talking to people with similar experiences.
You’re in my thoughts – I’ll be checking for your updates.
Boudreau, I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t believe anymore that everything happens for a reason, but there are people that manage to use this awful experience for something good. I am happy that you used it to deeply connect with your brother. And, yes, I know what you mean about this site, it has also helped me so much.
My love to all of you.
mariaJanuary 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm #56724
So nice to talk!
Funny my daughter started this whole I love you thing….my daughter hannah signs her camp letters…..I love you “most-est”, forever, till the cows come home, to infinity and beyond….etc.
She always laughs because, I forget many of the words when saying/ writing it.
I am so thankful for this website connecting people all over the world.
This website really guides, helps, listens, laughs, and has a genuine beautiful spirit with wonderful people supporting one another.
Thank you all, will keep you posted on mom.
RoniJanuary 21, 2012 at 7:01 pm #56723lainyParticipant
Dearest Boudreau, what a blessing you are! Nothing else matters except how you and Tom spent your last 1 1/2 years. Not only will you and Tom be together some day again but he will always be all around you! Youa re some kind of wonderful person!January 21, 2012 at 4:55 pm #56722boudreauParticipant
Hello Everyone, I am new to this site. My brother, Tom, died in July 17 ’11 of this cancer. Diagnosed May 31 ’11. I feel and pray for you all. Tommy was only 53. His alcoholism (lifetime of on and off drinking, constantly battling his disease, could never surrender) brought his end much faster for he had cirrosis also. His ascites in May was the first sign that something was wrong. By the grace of God, he came to live with me and my family a year and a half prior diagnosis. For some strange (Holy Spirit) reason, I asked him to come live with us so he could get back on his feet again. I had never asked him his whole life because he always picked up booze. This time was different I felt (still not knowing why), he came and lived with us sober and we had a relationship as brother and sister that we had never experienced and he became my best friend, walking my dogs together everyday for 1 1/2 years. Tom had lived in shelters and on the streets most of his life. God had brought him home to us. He passed with his family around him, we couldn’t of been prouder of who is was when he passed. An angel is my eyes, a good man who didn’t have one enemy and never said a bad word about anyone. My Mom was on one side of him and I on the other. Reading these stories, I feel him closer to me. God Bless you all. I have no doubt, Tom and I will be together again.January 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm #56721lainyParticipant
Hi My Roni, Girl! I am so very sorry about your Mom, there are no words to explain, not about the Caring part but the watching a loved one part. I did giggle as I have 5 Grandsons and one Princess! No matter where we are Goodbye with my Princess is always, “I love you!”, “No, I love your more!” and we say it about 4 times raising the pitch each time. In fact at the ages now of 23, 19, 17, 15 I have pet names for them and if I don’t greet them with those names (Hero, Princess, Treasure, Sunshine) they think something may be wrong!
It is good that you rejoined Temple, what ever works for anyone should be taken advantage of! Teddy, being Sicilian and Catholic covered both as I did with him and I found peace as well listenting to the Priest and the Rabbi. Our Rabbi always says, “We are all going to the same place, just taking different paths to get there”.
Hang in my friend, be strong and I can only wish and pray for your Mom to have comfort!January 21, 2012 at 1:46 pm #56720
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother.
I am however so happy, you were able to hold her close and secure, and be there for her in that very special moment when she passed.
My mother is 18 months status post her whipple and diagnosis, she is 89 pounds, intermittently lucid, is slowly losing control of her bowels, and her bile duct is already re-occluding…but not enough per physician to re-stent.
Sometimes she forgets days, times, etc. It makes me sad because she was as sharp as a tack! She keeps asking how the people who make it 5 year are feeling? I fear she will forget me? Her Grandchildren etc.
We always talk at night, before we get off the phone she says: Where do you want to meet? Usually she responds with Paris, Top of the Eiffel Tower, recently she has said the middle of the ocean. Then I say I love you, and she says “I love you MORE” just kills me.
I know time is fast approaching, She is in New York, I am in Maryland, and I find this choking lump in my throat called hysterical fear, and then tears comes to my eyes.
I re-joined my temple, went alone last night, needed to feel grounded, a sense of belonging, around people….it helped.
Please stay in touch and if you need anything you can find me on facebook or email.
Ronidinkes@yahoo.comJanuary 19, 2012 at 11:51 pm #56719cmParticipant
I am sorry for your loss of your mother. You gave your mother such a gift by staying with her in those precious hours. I read that if you write to your loved one with your dominant hand they will answer your letter if you switch hands. I use the technique with David and he writes back to me using my left hand. When you are ready ask your mum did she find peace.
All my very best & thank-you for sharing.January 19, 2012 at 11:32 pm #56718mkParticipant
Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages, they really mean a lot of me.
Lainy, I was thinking of your description of Teddy’s passing on my mum’s last day and I felt less scared.
Pam, I was thinking of you and Lauren, while at the hospital. No one should have to go through this awful disease, let alone such a young person! But I do have a good feeling for you, guys, I really do!
Michelle, your message made me cry and cry. I felt like someone was describing my exact feelings. But it’s true, people that lost their mothers do tell me that the bad images fade away at some point, and you can remember you mum at her best. But they’ve also told me that you never really get over the trauma, that sometimes it will even get worse during the first years, but that in the end you learn to live with this pain and feel happy about other things again. A friend of mine who lost her mother to cancer when she was 18 uses a metaphor about seeing your mum die that I find pretty accurate: she says it feels like being a wild animal suddenly closed in a cage for life. As much as you scream and cry, you soon realise there’s nothing to be done, that’s it, your life has changed forever.
I try to see myself as my mother’s extension, as the most important thing she left behind, and therefore as someone who has to be a good and strong person, because this is what she deserves. I know this will not take the pain away but perhaps it will help me move on.
Extended hugs to all of you.
MariaJanuary 19, 2012 at 7:03 pm #56717kris00jParticipant
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that you will be comforted by the fact that you eased her passing. I will pray that you have the strength to get thru this and start healing.
It sounds like you had a very special bond with your mum: please remember that bond and use it! Find comfort that you were there for her, and that she knows still how much you love her.
KrisJanuary 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm #56716mustangmortParticipant
The trail is frought with rocks, thorns, brush, scorching sun and occasionally we get pushed off the trail. But remember, the trail will get us where we want to go if we only keep following it. Got to keep your nose pointed up the trail.
God bless you and your family, Maria.January 19, 2012 at 4:35 am #56715mnParticipant
I am so sorry for your loss. And I know exactly how you feel with losing my mom only 2 months ago. My mom sat up in her last moment and told us she couldn’t breathe…that is the vision I go to sleep with every night and wake up with every morning. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. Many tell me that and they also tell me that those last moments will fade with time and I will remember the happier times. I’m sure in the long run we will both be grateful that we were there at the very end. I don’t know if we would be able to handle it if they went while they were alone.
You got to be there in the end for your mother and you did all you could. I still find myself trying to understand the why of this disease. Your mom was so young…my mom was only a few years older. I will just start crying in a store when I see someone my mothers age with their mother…that was suppose to be me in twenty years.
My husband gave my a photo (negative) scanner for Christmas…yes, he knows my rules, nothing that plugs in…but I love it. I’ve been going through all my old pictures and my moms old pictures. Even though she lived a short 63 years, she had a great life. I guess we only take pictures of our good times. I just wanted to share that with you because it makes me feel good while doing it. I still cry several times a day. I don’t know when it will hit me that she is really gone.
If you need someone to talk to please feel free to send me an email.
You will be in our thoughts and prayers Maria…please take care of yourself.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.