The waiting game
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GHM, just a suggestion but when Dad apologizes try to turn that, in your mind, in to the words, “I LOVE YOU!” I know you are strong, girl, just like to remind people. You are Mommyriffic!
Thanks so much, Lainy. You’re right about being strong. I actually am the strong one, though of course I have my moments. Dad also apologizes all the time
GHM, It is the hardest thing in your life you may be ever asked to do and that is to wait! Personally I believe it hurts the patient more than us, if that is possible. I don’t know how many times Teddy apoloigized, can you believe that? He apologized to me for what he was putting me through and I was Ms happy face all the time. His biggest concern was for me to be strong as he already knew that I knew how much he loved me. The only thing I can tell you is to try and stay in the here and now. Don’t think ahead of Dad not being here as that is wasting precious time and energy. While you won’t believe this now, it is true that somewhere down the road your precious memories and time will over shadow the worst memories of this nightmare. I know that for fact! You never know how strong you are until “strong” is the only choice you have!
The periods of waiting for answers or waiting to get something scheduled has by far been the hardest part. Once there is a plan in place the anxiety seems to ease up. Even when it’s bad news, just knowing what is going on is easier on us.
Dad is at the end of the road with chemo and has switched clinics so he could get theraspheres. It took forever for insurance to approve it, and more the clinic if dragging its feet scheduling the mapping. It’s been over seven weeks since his last chemo treatment and the cancer was growing even then. I’m terrified of what’s going on in there without any treatment at all. Once the mapping is done, it will be two weeks before they do one lobe and another two before they do the other.
He’s getting so much weaker, and it breaks my heart. Last night my daughter said she misses making pizza with him. He is the most involved grandpa ever and my kids miss that. I already miss him. I know it hurts him so much, maybe more than it hurts me.
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