Uncomfortable Discussion
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Thanks everyone for your support. I just didn’t want to bring this up during Christmas dinner….it seemed to bring everyone’s spirits down and I felt guilty about that. I will be better able to handle things next time, now that I have some ideas on what I should have done. – Peace – Nancy
Nancy,
John existed on this earth and made his mark while he was here and he will never be forgotten by those who knew and loved him. Others should know of his life and telling people he existed is the first step. Who knows if your conversation may have gone another way and the person may have asked what he died of and you would have been able to tell them about cholangiocarcinoma–how rare it is, how devastating it is, and how much we need to find a cure. Also, if I was at a dinner with someone who had experienced such sadness, I would want to know so as not to say something thoughtless and maybe understand why someone might seem sad.
Patty
When it comes to those we love, I don’t think awkward, uncomfortable, inappropriate or anything of the like should even be a thought. You had a son, whom I sure was the light of your life, so why not talk about him. When those we love are gone & we can no longer display and express our affection toward them, the only thing we have left is to talk about them every minute we can. What better way to honor their memory. No matter how uncomfortable others may have felt, I’m sure it couldn’t come close to how badly you felt, so never feel bad about letting others know how wonderful your son was. No one likes to hear of sad things, but ignoring them does not mean they don’t exist. You shouldn’t ever regret keeping John’s memory alive regardless of who may feel uneasy about it. I understand blocking things out. When I was 3 yrs old, I lost my best friend/sister to leukemia. She was just about to turn 5. As young as I was, I never talked about it because I saw the pain in my mother’s eyes. Now I realize that keeping it in really doesn’t make the memory go away & certainly does not help anything. Over 40 yrs later, not a day goes by when I don’t think of my sister & I speak about her to anyone or anything that will listen. I think she deserves at least that much. We don’t have control over dying, but we do have control over keeping memories alive. Now dealing with cancer myself, I could only hope that when I am gone, I will be spoken of fondly by many, even if over a Christmas dinner. I wish you the strength to be able to think of your son & face the reality with courage & love. I think he would want that. I am sure he will never leave your heart, so allow your mind to join in as well. You will be together again some day. Until then, keep talking about John. I know I’m sure glad you did, and I truly believe others would feel honored to know of him as well. Continue to grace others with the life of your son. Wishing you a wonderful New Year filled with much joy, health, sunshine & laughter!
Dear Nancy – These uncomfortable moments will always come up, but Lainy and Margaret had some good suggestions. I would always want to include John in discussing my children too. He means so much to you and he is your son. Embrace his memories and maybe when asked, don’t worry that it is not the time or place, he is in heaven, and you will see him again one day. May you have peace and blessings in the New Year. Susan
Nancy,
I do not think you said the wrong thing and it’s ok everyone felt bad for you. If they are caring people they should have, knowing you felt sad and uncomfortable talking about your son in that setting.
The elderly aunt asking questions was probably just being interested in you and she may be feeling as awful as you are, thinking she ruined your day.
Grief comes in waves.
You will always have two children. Nothing changes that.
Kathy
Lainy and Margaret had good suggestions. I often need to have something “rehearsed” in my mind for questions that take me off guard when I feel I can’t be or don’t want to be totally open with my real feelings.
Thanks for the adivce Margaret and Lainy. I hate leaving John out when asked, but I don’t want anyone thinking that I am looking for their pity. These are good answers…..
Nancy: Please do not feel that you ruined everyone’s day! You DO ‘have’ two children, even though your son has passed away, as a parent, he is still your child. I can only imagine how incrediably sad it is for a parent to loose a child, as it is just not the natural order of how it should be.
My brother had an infant son who passed away some 30 years ago, but when he discusses his ‘children’ he always says “I have two sons, Jamie who is 38 and Scott who would have been 36 but he passed away when he was an infant”. And that works for him, so Lainy’s suggestion is a good one.
Hugs,
Margaret
Dearest Nancy. First of all I am sure you did not ruin anyone’s dinner and would hope everyone would be understanding. I don’t know what I would do if I was in your shoes but I know I would be devastated as I understand loosing a child is the absolute worst thing that can happen to anyone. My only suggetion is to try some grief counseling or to send a note to our own Ask Dr. Giles who you can find at the top of the page.
I know I can say some pretty dumb things and now that I am 70 I chalk it up to my age as that is such a good excuse. However sometimes people do need to use a little sensitivity. Perhaps if asked again you might just say, “I have a daughter and I had a wonderful son who passed at the age of 30”. Maybe it would even make you feel better to include him when asked.At Christmas dinner yesterday (we went to my husband’s cousins house) — an elderly aunt relative from the other family asked me how many children I had. I automatically said “two” even though I now only have “one” living child. It came out of my mouth so naturally. Everyone else at the table knew John had passed. After I answered, I was hoping it would stop there. But then she proceeded to ask if they were girls or boys, married or not……etc. I was so upset, I just blurted out that I had a married daughter and then my husband tried to jump in and change the subject. I didn’t want to say that I had a son, but he had died. It wasn’t the appropriate time or place, but I had already said the wrong thing. It was just awful. I know I made everyone uncomfortable because they felt bad for me. My husband sat quietly and didn’t finish his dinner….it made everyone so sad. When we got into the car to go home, I burst out crying. The whole thing made me realize how much I have tried to keep John’s death in the furthest part of my mind, pretending sometimes that he is on travel and will be coming home at another time. This has been my coping mechanism, but I’m not sure it is such a good idea.
Any bright ideas from any of you on how to handle such a blunder without putting everyone else in an uncomfortable situation? I felt like I ruined the Christmas dinner for everyone there! – Nancy
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