Update from LA (sensitive post)
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Hi Caroline, I just emailed you back. Your Mom is just adorable and you look a lot alike. I can see where you get your wonderful attitude from. Big cyber hugs to you both! {}{}{}{}
Thanks so much everyone, for being rock solid in your support whenever I come for help on this board. Lainy, I do have some specific and personal questions, so I’m going to email you privately. Much love to you all.
Caroline
Caroline what a heartfelt post. You say you are in awe of your mum but I am very touched by what you have written have complete admiration for what you are doing for her.
I completely relate to what you wrote about initially praying for a miracle and now you pray for a peaceful passing. I was willing my sister to go in the end yet Five months before I was willing for a medical miracle. Cherish every last minute you have.
x
Caroline,
My heart goes out to you as you prepare for your beloved mothers passing. Your mom sounds like she has more grace than many of us put together! I am so glad you posted and shared your thoughts on this tender yet heart wrenching time. Helping someone pass as comfortably as possible, helping them feel loved and helping reduce anxiety is a huge yet honorable responsibility.
This is on my mind every day now as my sister gets closer to the final months of CC. Like with my Dad last year, I will be very involved in this journey. It was so hard, but just yesterday, we went over her end of life wishes including the ‘POLST ‘ (a newer very detailed version of an advance healthcare directive and it stands for “Physicians’ Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment”). It is always printed on hot pink paper. There was other paperwork too about non medical final wishes on how she would like her final days to go (as detailed as asking if she wants music, massage, hand held, religious preferences, cremation vs burial etc). We also discussed differences between hospice at home and hospice facility but we are not ready for hospice and she is still fighting. I feel relieved that my sister has filled all this out and we talked about it even though her passing may be a long way off. As I was leaving her home, I got a text from my other sister that her sis in law was passing and only a block away at a local hospital. I decided to go to support my bro in law and his grieving family. While heart wrenching, it seems like it is getting easier to accept the universal nature of this monumental event. I am learning to set aside fear, try to anticipate needs and simply be present. The family brought an Indian priest to sing and play the drum. Though I am Christian, I found it very comforting and it helped everyone in the room to channel their prayers toward a peaceful passing. She passed this morning peacefully.
You are a loving daughter. God Bless,
WillowCaroline agreed with all that has been said. Beautiful post yet heart wrenching as well. Bittersweet as I would say. Last year I went through this with my mom (she has stage 4 lung cancer) and she held on strong to the very end, and in the end she was surrounded by those that loved her and all we wanted was for her to be comfortable and pain free, and thank the Lord she was able to achieve that and pass quite comfortably and calmly. So I completely understand what you are going through. SO happy that you guys get to have these moments with her and the discussions, and sending you and your family lots of love and blessings. Hugs.
PorterCaroline….I am in awe of your Mom and your entire family. She had a wish and you did everything possible to grant this wish to her. Love shines through in every word written by you.
Hugs and more love is heading your way,
MarionDear Caroline, sadly I can so associate to what you are going through. I must say your Mom is a true warrior and with Grace and Dignity and that is how you will always remember her! As you already have known comfort is the most important thing and my Teddy was on Morphine as well. I do believe when someone is preparing for the final journey they pick their own time. Like waiting for an event or someone special to them they have not seen yet. Hang in, be strong and when you feel the time is right give her permission to go to her Peace as it will release you both. If I can be of any further help please send me an email. My spirit is with you and I am glad you have family around you.
Since my last post, we started hospice care for my mom so that her pain could be managed enough for her to travel to California. She told me that she knows her own body and that she knew she didn’t have much time left. It was her dire wish to return to California so that she could say good bye to her people and be at a place where she has a burial plot. The wonderful hospice team took two days to get her pain completely under control (they took her off of oxycontin & put her on morphine). We started hospice on Tuesday, and by Sunday, we were on a flight to LA. Though it was a major financial strain, we flew first class so that she could be as comfortable as possible. I was so impressed and proud of her for being a super trooper through the 6-hour flight. It was her best Mother’s Day present to all of us.
So now, my parents and I are staying with my brother and his wife in LA. I have never seen my mom this happy. She is not in pain (we got connected with another hospice right away), and we have been using this time to talk a lot and prepare for her journey ahead. Every day, I feel like my heart is breaking in tiny pieces because I will miss her so much, but I’m also immensely grateful for this opportunity. I am cherishing every minute of this time with her. Her appetite is still excellent (the hospice doctor took her off of Megace & put her on decadron — the same steroid that my mom took while she was doing chemo), and though she is increasingly getting weaker, she is still able to shower and dress herself. The only thing making her uncomfortable is her abdomen due to ascites, but she’s taking spironolactone and furosemide (lasix), so hopefully that’ll bring her comfort soon. It was just weeks ago that I used to pray for a miracle for her cancer to be under control. But these days, I am praying for her passing to be as peaceful and pain-free as possible. In the past, when I read posts on this board that particularly caught my attention, I used to go back to the writer’s first post to see when the diagnosis was. When I read that someone passed 6-8 months after the initial diagnosis, I used to think, that’s not going to be my mom. She’s so healthy otherwise! And I guess she still is. Even given how damaged her liver is, she’s still hanging on and gracing us with her love day after day.
To everyone who’s already gone through what my family is going through now, thank you so much for continuing to provide your support and wisdom on this board by lending a kind ear and helpful answers. And to all affected by this horrible illness, my love and prayer for strength and courage.
Caroline
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