December 16, 2008 at 11:21 pm #23790lornaParticipant
I had a cry for your John after reading your post as I know exactly how you feel. My partner Mark (41) is currently in hospital. He was diagnosed over 2 years ago and has been amazing in fighting it. He has had two stents in the bile duct, 2 lots of PDT, 2 nerve blocks for the pain and is now having stents in the liver and small bowel because of tumour progression. For the last 5 months he has deteriarated and not been able to eat without being sick or burping and hiccuping constantly. I know that there will be a day when I have to say goodbye like you are to your loved one but I’m not ready and just want him to be home for christmas and be able to enjoy a meal.
I only go on this forum when mark is in hospital as he is usually on the computer so if you reply it may take me a while to read it.
Very very best wishes to you and my heart is with you
Lorna xxxDecember 11, 2008 at 7:21 pm #23789maryanne80Participant
My prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time. Joe is still hanging on although he hasn’t eaten in 9 days. Hospice says he could go another week. I can hardly believe that. I just hope that he dies before the wedding of our daughter Karen on the 27th. He does nothing but sleep and when he is awake the toxins make him agitated sohe is on Ativan and Roxinal which help a lot. Stay on the site and get support from those who know what youa re going through. God Bless. Mary AnneDecember 8, 2008 at 5:17 am #23788marionsModerator
Charlene….love coming right back at you.
MarionDecember 8, 2008 at 2:30 am #23787fairydropMember
Thank you all for everything, John passed away 2 weeks ago. He is finally out of pain.
I miss him terribly.
To each one of the people on this site I send my love and hopes of a cure soon so that no one else must go through this horror.
God Bless and keep each and everyone of you.
I love you all,
CharleneNovember 23, 2008 at 4:43 am #23786devoncatParticipant
I dont understand how god works and I dont understand why your John is suffering. I am so sorry for the both of you. You and John are in my prayers and thoughts and I am holding the two of you as close to my heart as I can. I hope his suffering ends soon and that you can heal and remember John as he should be remembered and not as he is now.
I remember his mother was living with you. Is that still the case? I hope the two of you can get through this together with love and compassion.
KrisNovember 14, 2008 at 1:20 am #23785roma35Member
Charlene, MaryAnne, and Jeff,
Wow, I just got back from Cancer Treatment Centers Of America, which was very sad, and now I am reading these gut wrenching post. I am really new to this site, but before I became a member, I read hundreds and hundreds of posts, and I feel like I know you all. Im so sorry for this cancer that has affected all our lives so terribly. No one should have to go through what you all are enduring. For Charlene and MaryAnne how horrendous to watch someone you love suffer endlessly, and for Jeff, as difficult as it is for a caregiver, you live the actual cancer everyday, I cant even imagine. The one thing I did realize from many of your posts, is the strong love and bond you share with your spouses. You are truly blessed to have that gift, and I know it will carry you through the dark days Charlene and MaryAnn, and it will certainly do the same for your wife, Jeff. “Sorry” doesn’t say nearly what I feel. You are all in my prayers.November 12, 2008 at 9:38 pm #23784marylloydParticipant
Charlene and MaryAnn,
I meant to say god bless both of you and your husbands also. Your husbands know how much you love them and appreciate all the love and care you have given them. My husband walked in while I was writing my earlier post and caught me crying. I’ve always tried to not get emotional in front of him but it breaks my heart to see so many of my original friends on this board (almost 2 1/2 years now) losing their battle and going through such difficult times.It really brings reality home. Take care of yourselves and know we are all thinking of you. MaryNovember 12, 2008 at 5:15 pm #23783jmoneypennyMember
I, too, am crying as I read these posts – all I can say is: bless all of you, peace to all of you. You have such amazing courage in the face of terrible adversity and I wish I could just give all 3 of you a hug. I know you’re going through this alone in many ways, but there are caring people here who feel your pain and wish so much to comfort you.
Joyce MNovember 12, 2008 at 4:48 pm #23782marylloydParticipant
Dear Jeff, Charlene and MaryAnne,
I feel so sad for all of you and what you are going through now. Charlene and MaryAnne, I just dread the day that I may be in the same position as you two. It is so hard to imagine but I do imagine it and it breaks my heart.
What can any of us even say to you? You are strong beyond any thing I can imagine to read these posts and keep coming here and giving your support to everybody. We just love you and pray that Tarceva will be a miracle for you. If not, then it sounds like your head and heart are in the right place and I wish you peace and comfort! I know how much I appreciate that I have been given these extra years with my husband.We are so much closer than we were even 2 years ago and in a way that makes me even more sad because I know how devastated I will be if something happens to him. But I’m also grateful beyond words for the love we have shared all these years. It’s the same with your wife and family. They will never look at caring for you as a burden. They just want what’s best for you! Take care of yourself and god bless you. MaryNovember 12, 2008 at 2:03 am #23781daddysgirl-2Member
Jeff, Charlene and Mary Anne,
I have deleted the last three messages I have tried to type here. My heart is so full for you and your families…but I guess all I can say is I am praying for you. I’m sending you hugs, wishes and love.
May God bless you all and grant you His peace.
JoleneNovember 11, 2008 at 10:42 pm #23780darlaParticipant
Charlene, MaryAnne & Jeff,
My thoughts & prayers are with all of you. These posts have also brought me to tears. I have often regreted that Jim & I did not have more time together, but that was not meant to be & after reading these posts, I thank God that he passed as quickly as he did. It has really been hard on me, but watching the terrible progression of this horrible cancer & what it does to our loved ones is also agonizing. There is just nothing good or fair about any of this & what it does to both the patient & caregivers. Know that I am thinking of all of you & that we are all here for you.
DarlaNovember 11, 2008 at 10:20 pm #23779lainyParticipant
To Jeff, Charlene and Maryanne: I have been strong on this site until today when I see that tears and real feelings do not show on a computer screen. I so wish I could help relieve all your pain and ease your journeys.
Jeff, I have so enjoyed your posts and you and your bride are so very blessed to have known the love you have. That will surround you both for eternity. What more can I say except I know you have a big job ahead of you watching out for all of us! I am so proud to have “known” you and to call you friend. So, until we meet again, Teddy and I send our love and prayers your way.November 11, 2008 at 10:08 pm #23778jeffgMember
Dear Charlene and Mary Anne, May you both find the strenght needed some how some way. I just returned from the hospital from having another liter of fluid drained from my lung cavity. I was asked a few times, who was my hospice doctor. I guess that is telling me something. I feel the way you two do in a way, except how can I let go of my sweatheart. I surely don’t want to be a burden on her ,although she doesn’t look at it that way. She just wants what is best and least painless but with plenty of love as well. We have all come so far and made progress with trying to make the end of the journey as loving and natural as possible. The only thing is ending of life just isn’t going the way I had hope, well not completely if you know what mean. It’s like being born going backwards. I’m so sorry for you two and my wife. I too wish it was over and I was in the hands of God. I don’t know how far behind I am of Joe and John, but I’m completely happy and accept my future. it’s okay. I love God but I love my family as well ,which makes it so hard. I guess if this Tarceva does not turn out to be some type of miracle, then my miracle will be joining John and Joe when the time is right for us. Bless you all! And bless Mark and his family for such a loving and supportive web site and beautiful vision. Should I send this post ? sure, my heart says yes. I’ve asked my daughter and wife if and when I’m unable to continue posting, to simply let you know just that; as I desire privacy until my obituary is read. Am I getting to far ahead of myself ? No I don’t think so, you just never know. Hope is in the air and always will be ! some will be able to make use of it ,some won’t.
JeffNovember 11, 2008 at 8:48 pm #23777fairydropMember
This is the worse day ever for me. John has withered away to nothing but belly tumors. He’s become incontinent and has to wear diapers.
Last night he got up because he had a bm and I was so tired it didn’t wake me. What did wake me was when he came back in the room naked and freezing to try and put a new diaper on himself.
Oh my God why won’t God take him and put him out of his misery? He’s wasted away so much that he was complaining it hurt to sit in the recliner. I looked and his entire buttocks are gone, he just has skin hanging and no fat.
I have been crying all day. I want my John to be out of pain! I don’t understand how a God says he loves us then allows this to happen to someone. I don’t think I can hang on much longer. I just want to scream and cry and howl with the pain.
I don’t care about me, all I want is John to BE OUT OF PAIN!
CharleneNovember 9, 2008 at 12:19 pm #23776maryanne80Participant
I also have not been on the site in awhile. My Joe also just went into hospice yesterday. He is just so tired of fighting. I have to let go. It seems easier now that the decision has been made. No more scan, no more tests. just peace with the Lord and isiting with family. Joe seems quite detached from everything, no TV. no music. It is hard to see sufh a vibrant person wither away. I am sure you are experiencing the same thing. I pray for your courage in these days and hope it will be peaceful. Mary Anne
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