What To Do, What To Do?
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Bless your heart for being there for your Mother. She knows she is in good hands and that you will watch over her. I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love go through all of this. But you will do the right thing for her. You must remember to take care of yourself also during this process. Spend as much time as possible with her and tell her that you love her. That is the most important thing you can do for her right now.
We are bound to sway with emotions when difficult decisions are to be made. I see you as a daughter, mother, and sister wanting to do right by everyone involved. This is a process and I believe that you are working through it in an admirable way.
Your mother has raised a wonderful daughter. She must be so very proud of you.
Warm thoughts and best wishes are heading your way in this so very difficult time.
All my best,
MarionFirst, thank all of you for your comments and suggestions, which I am now going to discuss with Mom and my brother. I was so ashamed after I read my initial post…how did I become such an angry person? When I rethought the past 3 years and all the hospitalizations from the brain tumor alone, my brother was there with me every single day/night, attending to her personal needs even though I know he was uncomfortable. And when I brought mom to our home it was with the stipulation that he would not second guess every decision I made on her behalf. I think that he is leaving this decision about whether we come back home up to mom and myself because he knows how hard it will be on my family if I have to be there for a while. He’s always been here if I/Mom called on him.
Today the Palliative nurse came by to see mom and after seeing that she is more short on breath brought up whether she would want a code should her heart stop. She doesn’t want a code called and signed a paper to that effect. Tomorrow or the next day will try once again to discuss her wishes as to whether she wants to go home to Alabama. Just want to make sure she is for once voicing her wants/needs, not what she thinks would be best for me. She is truly the most unselfish person I’ve ever known.
Please keep us in your prayers.
I believe that your brother has taken on the tasks most comfortable and familiar to him. And, it appears that he is doing a great job.
You are the hands-on person for your Mom and are tending to her personal needs in the most admirable way. Is it possible for you to speak with your brother in order to raise your concerns regarding the progression of the disease? His input may help you make the decision of where to have your Mom should be. Have you decided on in home hospice care? If so then you might want to contact both, the one close to your home and the one in Alabama. Hospice services may differ from state to state and you would want to choose the one most fitting your Mom’s needs. Some states have independent hospice facilities whereas others provide the care within the hospital setting also.
Many tough decisions will have to be made and I admire you for given it this much thought beforehand. My heart is with you.
All my best wishes,
MarionSo many decisions, not enough time, all so stressful. I must say though that this is a new one on the Board. All I can do is give you a personal thought or two.
Your Mom has been with you for some time now and is probably comfortable with you and your care giving. I would think you know your brother well enough to know if he will step up to the plate. If you have any questions at all then I would leave well enough alone. As Mom progresses you will be able to depend on Hospice for help and since you have made all the decisions so far, I believe you should continue as no one will understand or know what it is all about like you do.
I will tell you what I always have told my kids to do when making a heavy decision. Take paper and pencil in hand. Make 2 columns one PRO and one CON and see which one has more votes! It works every time. You are a wonderful daughter and I am sorry you have so much on your plate. Please keepus posted and come here to vent, we are good for that as well.Hello, Yes, these life decisions are tough! Your mom might be a good judge of how much support friends and neighbours might give. Have you talked to your brother about it? Maybe he will take a more active roll if his mom was in the same town. What do your children and husband say? Are they supportive of you moving away for awhile? Oh my, not giving you much help here just more questions – lol. I know you will come up with the right decision. You have already been such a loving, caring daughter for your mom; she is very lucky. Nancy
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted..stayed up reading your blogs, both old and new, last night and think you’ll understand and help more than my family. Last admittance to hospital we found out mother’s CC in liver and bile duct had grown considerably and there were 4 new satellites. She’s still not in pain, thank you, God, for that blessing! However, although her SATS are staying around 98 with oxygen, she is so totally out of breath and when she gets that panic look in her eyes my heart just breaks into…how to help…she has short term memory loss due to previous tumor removal from pituitary which left her with diabetes insipidus. She knows she has cancer because she’s been told and we’ve discussed it ; however, it’s not something she brings up and I hate to remind her.
In the 3 years she has had to live me with in MO, she had never once complained about having to leave her home in Alabama. In fact, she doesn’t complain ever about anything! I know she would rather be in her home and I’d like to grant that unstated wish. HOWEVER…I have one sibling, an older brother who has been up to see mom once on the day the biopsy was done, once when we met with the oncologist (stayed a day and a half each time) and a week the last time Mom was in the hospital because I didn’t think she was going to come out. He is retired. Just returned from 11 day trip to Alaska with his wife for the honeymoon they never had. He takes care of Mom’s house, seeing that grass is cut, plants are watered, house is dusted and vacuumed and bills are paid. He has to have surgery on his shoulder in the next week.
I know Mom is at the point where if I’m going to take her home I need to do it soon. My husband had to take a new job in December 2010 2 hours from our home and his own mother has had to move in with him because of mini-strokes, loss of driver’s license and early Alz
heimers. Our 2 children, ages 25 and 27, live here in the same town with me and help out when they can, but I feel I am relying on them more and more. If I take Mom home to Alabama, will I actually have more support from friends and neighbors or will my brother just come by for short visits and I’ll still be on my own and in addition I will have to argue with him about life-prolonging procedures. I want Mom to live as long as she can, but it’s also about the quality of life vs. quantity. I wish I knew what will happen next.. I know no one can tell me what decision I should make, but it helps to sound off. Thanks for listening.
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