You Think Your Over It, But Your Not

Dear Steve,
We all understand what you are going through. I just had knee replacement surgery three weeks ago after losing my husband in November and I totally agree that not having the support and care of your spouse after all of these years of being there for one another is a very scary realization. I too am lucky to have my children help me but it makes me incredibly sad and feel so lonely to think that I could grow old and be totally dependent on them. My parents are 83 and 86 and still able to help care for each other. I always wanted my life to be like theirs. Everyone says it will get easier with time but I feel worse now than I did 2 months ago. I guess the numbness is wearing off and reality is smacking me in the face. This whole nightmare is real and not going away!! I wish I could give you advice to help you in your grief but I really don’t know anything to say except that I understand and hope all of us that are grieving the loss of a loved one can find happiness and peace sometime in the future. Take care, Mary

Steve, that visit to a Medical place hit me for the first time a month ago. I use the same ONC Teddy did and I go every 3 months but for some reason it REALLY hit me last month! It’s been a year and 3 months since he passed. I go to the ONC and sign in and the girl says,”Oh, how are you doing? I still remember Salvator, he was so sweet?” The tears just start running down my face. Next the girl who takes you to the examing room, “Hi, how are you doing? I remember Salvatore he was such a nice man”. Next one is the girl who takes the vitals, “How are you doing? Your husband was so cute?” Finally, making my next appointment, the same thing. So, I literally spent 1 hour with a wet face. I was not sad I was happy because here all all these people remembering him yet. Steve I always say I am not lonely but there is a big hole! Time, it takes lots and lots of time. We are always here for you!

Dear Steve,
My Wayne left 2-17-10 two years ago last Friday. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Week-end before last I had a bad breakdown, I tried to call some-one when they didn’t answer, I didn’t call anyone else, I started slitting my arms, then it felt like a relief. My therapist said if you wanted to hide it, you would wear long sleeves, that’s it I didn’t care if anyone saw it or not. Thursday night I went to hospice group, I told them about my breakdown they all prayed for me and gave me their phone numbers. Well Friday was two years, I took off work. I went to get my medications, stopped by my daughters, went to look for a hobby, I was told I need one. The chaplain of my hospice group called me just to see how my day was going. I told her I was looking something to do for a hobby, she said her church has some mission projects if I would be interested, especially when she found that I sew. I then stopped by Raising Cane’s chicken got supper and decide to go see Wayne, I got my chair out my food. I sat there for probably two hours. Saturday and Sunday I stayed home. Monday my daughter came over we went to a wake, first time I’ve been in a funeral home since my mom went to see Jesus. I surprisingly did well. When I spoke to my friend she hugged me and said you are the only one that understands. I go to therapy now once ever two weeks, I go to group every Thursday.
With Wayne it wasn’t until one week before he went to see Jesus, that the doctor told me it was stage 4 when it was found. I’m like you some of those dirty words need to be taken out of the English language. I don’t know about you, I’ve been told by a few people that they don’t me talk about Wayne all the time. He was my life, I had been caregiver 26 years of the 35+2 we are married. I still count the years. When we found out about the cancer Wayne asked me what are we going to do, I told him we were going to fight this like we fought everything else, the difference I loss this fight. I avoid ugly words.

Dear Steve,

I would tell you much the same as Lainy and Marion have. I lost my husband almost 3 1/2 years ago from this disease. He died less than 2 months after our first indication that anything was wrong. As Marion said, yes I remember that whirlwind of a time well and always will. We were married over 41 years and together almost 45. We were pretty much together 24/7 for most of our lives. Working and playing together. I still have times when I feel much as you. I try to take things as they come now, one day at a time. I am still working on finding my “new normal”. Can’t seem to work that out. I have gotten very close with another widow. I hate those words too, but we aren’t married and don’t really feel single, so I guess that is it. Her and her husband were customer’s of ours and she came in to the store about a year after Jim passed and was asking about him. I told her he had died and she started to cry. Her husband had passed only 2 months after Jim. A few days later she called and we have been close friends ever since. Her life with her husband was much the same as ours. We email a lot and help each other through the bad times as we both know how it feels. Her friendship and all the people on this site are what have really gotten me through this and I am still working on it. I still am in contact with several of the ladies I met through this site who also lost their husbands to CC. I did contact Dr. Giles early on and he told me much of what Marion said and I still have to go back and read that from time to time. It does help. Hopefully you can find someone to talk to, be it a friend or a professional person and as Marion said all of us here understand and are happy to listen. Sometimes just being able to vent and tell your feelings to others who have been there and truely know and understand does help.

Take care Steve. Take it one day at a time and come back as often as you feel the need to. You are not alone.

Love & Hugs,
Darla

Dear Steve, I am so very sorry you are still at a low in your grieving process and am wondering if you have gone for grief counseling. It has only been a year and 2 months since Teddy passed but I find that the pain is not as sharp as it used to be.
Our friends and family visited Teddy a lot but I would never allow anyone to administer to him but Hospice or me. And while I am not lonely there is a big hole ! Our dynamics with friends change when we become single again. I guess people, for the most part just return to their daily lives while we have to create a “new normal”. I have made 2 new lady friends and about a month ago started going out with them. I even went to a restaurant/karoeke/dancing place for singles over 60. NOBODY can take away what I feel inside or my memories, but I am a lot older than you and for whatever remaining years I have, I refuse to base those years in grief. I have found great comfort in my little “I Believe” club here. I believe that Teddy is all around me and even made a log of his ‘visits” to me. When I feel sadness, I just read the log. Teddy’s last 2 words to me were, “BE STRONG”. He knew that I knew he loved me and it was the most important thing he could have said. Last but far from least, we had quite a love story (2nd marriage) and when I feel a little teary I say to myself, “Shame on you! You had 17 years of what most people never know in a lifetime” and that seems to bring me to a good place. Please try to think of the good memories and there is certainly no crime to look to better times and if you can’t go ahead it is no crime to ask for some guidance. By typing things out it does help so post here as often as you like, you are NOT alone.

If I should be the first to go,
And leave you alone, my Dear,
Let not your heart be lonely,
Nor in your eyes a tear.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
I’ll not be far away,
With petals of love and tenderness,
I’ll pave for you the way.
To join me in our sanctuary,
And ne’er again we’ll part.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
I live within your heart.
Take joy again in living,
As you did in years gone by;
God knows what of he’s doing,
And not be questioned why.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
My life with you on earth
Each moment filled with happiness,
And love so few be worth.
I’ll be waiting for you Sweetheart
Where skys are ever blue,
With eager heart and open arms
Patiently, for you.
Grieve not for me, my Darling,
May faith and my love keep.
Your soul filled with contentment
Eternally, I sleep. By Mary Harris