you think you’re doing ok and then the dam breaks…..

Just wondered if anyone else has had this type of gut wrenching experience.

I was at home the other night working on my laptop after my husband had managed to do something to it. I’m convinced he sends out weird vibes that annoy computers when he deigns to use them. (He would be most happy with an 8 track and a manual typewriter.)

I finally straightened out the problem only to realize the car insurance bill had not been sent on time. As I started to slowly meltdown, I reached for a piece of paper and under it was the picture of my mom and dad at my daughter’s December wedding. Mom was looking so beautiful and happy and doesn’t at all resemble the woman I saw last Sunday that didn’t know who I was at first.

It was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I absolutely had a breakdown. I turned to my poor husband and Cameron my Dalmatian and yelled, “I can’t take it anymore!!! I’ve forgotten a bill and my mother is dying!”

For the next 45 minutes I literally lost it. I wasn’t crying I was wailing and weeping. I was inconsolable. I sat on the bathroom floor and wailed until I got sick with the dry heaves. The rational part of my brain was telling me to get it under control and the more primitive part of my brain could only weep for my mom and my impending loss. (Guess which part won?)

My husband and dog keep coming to check on me but just let me alone to finally get it all out. I guess I’d bottled it up so long that it finally had to come out.

After the storm I guess I felt somewhat better til I looked into the mirror to see my face looking as if I had a bad sunburn. (Petechial rash from all the little blood vessels that broke when I was straining with the heaves.) I almost didn’t come to work yesterday but then decided to wear it with pride. I guess if I didn’t care so much it wouldn’t have happened.

I hate this monster of a disease so much. Not only does it rob our loved ones of so much but it reaches into every aspect of our lives. (Not to mention my magnolia blossom complexion!!!!)

Oh well, one more part of the journey.

Hugs to all of you traveling with me…….

Pam