lisa-ann

Well the results are in on the scans at the Oncologists office, however they are trying to make us wait until Friday when is has a scheduled appointment to go over them. The nurse said to my Mom that she is not going to read 4 pages of findings to her over the phone. They also will not release the records to his Primary Physician, because he is not the Doctor that ordered the tests.

That being said, Mom is very angered that we again have to wait. I suppose she was pushing the nurses buttons a little and did get some info.

NO Lung Cancer, as we were told was the primary.
The Billiary Ducts are dilated.(whatever that signals)
The Liver and Lymph nodes are very involved(which we knew)
and the Cancer has metastisized to the bone ( where ?we dont know yet)

Mom is calling the Primary now to see if he can get the results, so he can talk to us.

Hopefully will let you kow soon.

Lisa

Hi CDR,

I agree with everything you have said. I know my Dad deals with his grief in his own way, and I accept that. It is my older brother who has a difficult time accepting it.
My Dad also deals with grief through physical work and thats what he did back then.

I cry at times, but also hold back, and I never ever let him see it. I just joke back at him no matter what. Thats how he deals with it, thats how I handle those situations.

I hope you are feeling well, and are having better days. My thoughts are with you, and I am pulling for you.

Hugs Lisa

Hi Again,

Not much has changed since I last posted. The weekend was not good as he was sick vomiting and slept most of the time. His pain managed to break through this morning, because he slept past the time the patch should have been changed out. He continues to eat the littlest amount of food and not drinking much either. How do you get a person to eat or drink anything when they sleep the majority of the day. Thats one thing that is most frustrating. He is not even getting any of his other medications, because he is not awake for those either. I do not know what to do.

We are anxiously awaiting the results of the sans, we we are supposed to get tomorrow. His weight loss has got to be over 50lbs as of this week, and much muscle loss also. His face is the only part of his body that has not changed drastically and for that I am glad. I know that too will change appearance, but thus far remains just a little thinner looking, not as drastic as the rest of his body.

He did have a visit from my younger brother on Saturday, and he fought to say awake.
He did such a good job of acting like there was nothing wrong, no one would ever guess that he is so sick. He was jovial and upbeat the whole time, and was awake much longer than usual. He did take a 45 minute nap while we ate dinner, but was awake for almost 3 hours. Needless to say, he slept the whole next day except for about a 1/2 hour at which time he got up drank a cup of tea and then vomited it right back up. He keeps asking where all the vomit is coming from, since he is not eating. It is so exhausting for him when he gets sick, it takes every bit of energy out of him.

I am trying to stay positive for him, but I am afraid of what the results are going to be tomorrow. I still think he is hopeful, in that they will say they can do something for him.
Will we then be faced with telling him there is nothing, no hope, no anything and watch the depression set in on top of everything else. I am very restless today, preparing for a possible sad day tomorrow. The waiting has to be the hardest part right now. So many questions, so few answers.

I will post tomorrow again tomorrow as soon as we get word.

Hugs Lisa

Hi Everyone,

Sorry I am just getting the chance to write and give everyone an update on Dad. Things have been such a rollercoaster ride the last few days. As of yesterday morning the confusion and hallucinating seem to have subsided, so I truely believe that he was over medicated with the fentanyl and oxycodone. He does not have access to his medications anymore, they are all hidden. He was still pretty sick yesterday morning, but as the day went on, he seemed to improve slightly. He is once again not complaining of any pain, but is still nauseous. It also seems that the vomiting is worse in the morning, and of course his meds come right up along with the bile. I suggested maybe trying the compazine in suppository form, thinking it may get into his system to do the job. He is trying to eat, very little of course, and is drinking fluids better. Although I know he is dehydrated, he is keeping more fluids down for the time being, so I am not going to fight with him about the hospital. I did tent his skin on his hand to show him how dehydrated he is and compared it to mine, but he just laughed and rubbed his skin till it went back into place. He is so stubborn, yet I am the same, one of his bad traits that he passed onto me. I am really a bullhead, and everyone reminds me of that daily.

The testing went well and the results of the MRI show NO mets to his brain, which is just what I had expected to hear. The results of the CatScan of his chest, abdomen and pelvis and the PetScan will not be given to us until Tuesday, ah yes, we wait once again.Of course when Dad was made to drink the concoction for the CatScan, is was only minutes until he vomited all that back up, but they did not make him drink anymore. Dad said to me as we were waiting that by the time they get the results and figure out what they need too, we should just call the funeral director and save a step, because he is going to die before they decide how to treat him. Sometimes I have to agree with him as it is all so frustrating. We just want answers, so that we can make decisions, and keep him comfortable. I know my Dad never thought he would have to suffer through an illness like this, he always thought he would have a major heart attack and go quickly. He would never have to worry about being taken care of, or losing his independence and dignity. I think that is the most diffcult part for him and of course for me, I always thought he was indestructable.

When we got the results of the MRI today, he once again seemed a little relieved, so I think his spirits picked up a little. In fact he was joking a little more like Dad, so far as to put on a dark jacket and dark hat and tell Mom he was all dressed for Halloween. Mom said “What are you talking about Jim?” and he answered chuckling, “I am going out as the Walking Dead”. I know it must sound morbid to all of you, but that is my Dad’s sense of humor as morbid as it may be. That is how he deals with this. However, he was then caught talking to the dog, and telling her that he wasn’t long for this world, and she would have to live with the Warden (Mom). I have had thier yellow lab Abbey on a diet for months because she is obese, and Mom remains strict with her. Dad on the other hand still feeds her whatever he is eating, and lately thats alot, since he is eating so little. AHHHHHHHH but I can’t yell at him, not now. He loves that dog. Dad is like me with the animals, in that he loves them more than some people, as thier love is true and unconditional. They love you no matter what and never ask for anything more than to be close and by your side.

Dad asked me today if I was taking a ride with him tomorrow to the Flea Market. I said are you up to that, and he told me, oh yeah, its going to be a nice day tomorrow.
So Mom and me will go with him even though he usually gets pretty sick while we are there, but he still wants to go and I think it comforts him. I actually thought that I could take my camera, and snap some photos of him without him taking notice to what I am doing. My parents anniversary is on Sunday, and I am going to get some photos of them together as well. I cannot take them out or do anything special for them, as he would rather just be home, but I will try to make it special as best I can.

So, I am back to trying to be and think positve once again, and take in all I can while he is having a few good days. My brother is stopping up tomorrow night to see him, and I think he is looking forward to that as well. So I am hoping for a good weekend with him, I do LOVE him so much.

Thanks for all your input and advice, caring and support,
Lisa

Hi Everyone,

Dad is not doing well again, this is the worst I have seen him. He is complaining of pain again, and is now confused and hallucinating. He started vomiting again yesterday, so we are unable to keep the least little bit down. I am certain that he is dehydrated which would possibly be causing this. We called his Primary Doctor and he suggested getting him to the hospital to at least try and rehydrate him. Dad will not go. He has only been awake for maybe 1/2 hour since 8PM last evening, and it is now 8:30 PM the following day. He ate a jello when he was awake and vomited it back up 10 minutes later.

I don’t know what to think, or do for that matter. He is so strong willed and we can’t get him to budge. On top of that he is now so confused that he is getting nasty and aggrevated.He is scheduled for a CT Scan and PetScan tomorrow AM, so I am hoping that once we get him to the hospital, they will do something for him. The ride to the hospital is 1 1/2 hours away, so I am not looking forward to all the travel time with him being so sick.

I am very restless, and worried that we are going to lose him, much faster than I ever thought if we can’t get him to cooperate. I cannot just pick him up and carry him out of the house and take him, because I have to respect his right to make his own choices.

I will write again later on, I am going back to check on him again.

Thanks For Listening,
Lisa

Hi CDR,

I hope this post finds you well today. Everything you wrote is so true and they are the points I need to get across to my siblings. With your permission, I would like to forward some of what you said to them, so maybe they will get a better understanding of how Dad most likely feels. He is a man of little words when it comes to his health and well being, however I know he feels exactly like you.

We are leaving shortly for the hospital once again, he is scheduled for the MRI of his brain to rule out possible mets. I am very hopeful that noting will be found, as he does not seem to show any symptoms leading us to believe it is there also.

I will write tonight, and let everyone know how it went.

Best to You, and Have a Good Day,

Lisa

Hi Missing You,

I guess sometimes I feel the same as you stated. My Dad needs me now and I can’t help him on his journey. Growing up as I kid, I never wanted for anything. My Dad would work 2 and 3 jobs to support his family and he was always such a hard worker.
I can remember getting so excited when we would see him, because during the week he often did not get home till we were already in bed. He would often come in my bedroom and ask if I needed money for pencils or anything else for school, or just slip me a little spending money for the ice cream truck.

I am so grateful that we finally seem to have gotten his pain under control, his facial expressions are back to normal, except for the weight loss. He has a little more of an appetite, so he is eating a little solid food. My concern now is he is sleeping so much that he is not taking in enough fluids. He urine is becoming very concentrated looking. I am going to address that with his doctor’s.

I appreciate all your support, and taking the time to read and reply to my many posts.

The Brightest Of Blessings go out to You…..
Lisa

Hello Everyone,
Well Mom spoke to Dad’s Primary Physician who for 20yrs has taken care of the both of them. He is the kind of Doctor that will call you back no matter what time day or night, and spend an hour or so on the phone with you explaining things if thats what it takes. Anyhow, he says that it is definitely CC without a question in his mind. He does not believe at all that there is any cancer in his lungs or brain. He is firmly sticking with the original diagnosis.

He is also recommending to not try the Chemo Therapy at all. He does not feel Dad is nearly strong enough, and it WILL make him incredibly sick and could quite possibly push him over the edge. Dad slept for 19 hours before getting up today, so not sure how much is the cancer and how much is the fentanyl patch. Has me a little worried because for all that time he is taking nothing in, no liquids, no food.

Dr. O’Neil did say that the PetScan is a good thing to follow through on as it will tell us where the cancer is invading. He is scheduled for an MRI of the brain tomorrow at 4:15 and the PetScan is on Thursday at 10:15.

I am taking alot of grief from siblings regarding my attitude towards it all. They are telling me that I am taking hope away from them by being realistic. Mind you that none of them have bothered with him in 20yrs. I try to explain to them that Mom and I are the ones living with Dad and watching him everyday. They of course are now calling a few times a week to see how things are, little late in my mind. Mom and I seem to be in agreement with everything, and we are going to do what is best for Dad, not everyone else. I am feeling angered and bitter towards them, but I do not let it show.
Sure I have a little hope sprinkled on top of the probable outcome, but I do not think they understand what this cancer is doing to him on a daily basis. I am not a true believer in Chemo, unless is it used in conjunction with a possibly curative surgery. I also do not think it is wise to try on someone already so debilitated and weak. I tried to explain to them that ultimately, it is Dad’s choice, and we will stand by him. However, the more I think about it, I do not think it is going to change anything at this point.

I will continue a little later tonight. I have to go feed the horses and goats, and get dinner started.

Hugs, Lisa