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You know, I really feel it is important to s-l-o-w down and savor the process of grieving, to fully feel it and be in it, to be as present as possible with each and every emotion and event. I also remember that I had to go thru and mark all the things I would take with me and I really felt her guiding hand in each decision, because frankly I was out of my mind with sorrow.
It turned out to be a good thing, because I felt that she selected each and every thing she wanted me to have, and I am all the more grateful for the things, but more so for that experience, and her special gift to me… learning how to live fully and take each moment as is comes.
Just as you enjoyed your loved one… enjoy their memory, and communing with them each time you think of them or touch their treasured gifts. If you are a daughter or son, remember that you are one of their gifts and take good care of yourself, learning to live fully with the memories and in your own “present”. (((hugs))) -ljg
I have not read these posts since the day I wrote my original post, a few days before I graduated and moved, etc. Coming up on a year now since Mom left my side in the physical world, it’s getting easier and harder to miss my Mom. I think I’ll write her again soon. Thanks to you all for listening. Life is as beautiful as is is ugly, and it is always amazing. -ljg
The world’s best stool softner is magnesium glycinate, it is required to address the balancing act that is calcium-potassium-magnesium; if you take one without the others it just starts a new problem. But when you take a tad too much magnesium glycinate for your system, the result is soft stools (that is how people know to back off and know their correct dosage). The way to understand what your body needs is to add it until you hit soft stools, and maybe for you it could be both a mineral to balance out the system and a treatment to soften the stool. (Miralax had too many side effects, despite being a good idea initially.) Just a thought. -ljg
Yes, there are ups and down for sure Janet-
We in the Northwest look forward to warmer days, green that Spring brings this time of year, and later to the dry season of the wheat summer.
When the rest of the world just does not understand, we all do. We’re here all the time, day and night, and making that connection feels like “family”.
Good to her your upswing, I am due for one too! All my best to you and your family . (((hugs))) -ljg
I find myself not knowing what to say to members who have a loved one who is suffering from this disease. Today and often, sadly, I know how to empathize with loosing your Mother. I lost mine, too, just 8 months ago to this terrible cancer. I may have not reached out to you previously because I was feeling lost or angry, without much hope to offer, and I am sorry for that. Please know that it is now that I understand how to help you. I am sending healing energy your way.
Your situation echoed mine with my Mom, Patty. I was in some small way relieved that her suffering was over, but we will be having many feelings about the losses each and every day for a long time. I admire your courage and your ability to communicate what you are feeling. That is rare, and very important on your healing journey.
Ironically, my Mom wanted to see me graduate and I am about to do just that in June. My very best you you, stay strong, allow the “waves” of grief to come, and pass, as they do often.
We are here when you need to talk; your post helps me to remember how grateful I am that I was there with my Mom to the very end.
To our Moms! (((hugs))) -ljg
You are an inspiration to us all. We hear so much bad news, it is wonderful to hear from you today and see your smiling face on your blog. You will be in my thoughts. (((hugs))) -ljg
I wondered at the time, why on earth I posted this rant, and now I know why. It was for me, to know you, and to offer to you that I am sorry that you have this terrible disease. Be positive for as long as you possibly can be, and live your life fully. No regrets. Say it all now. Love completely, and don’t hold a thing in. Also, know that your daughter can email me at any time for support. I have been there. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.
Today is better because of you. (((hugs))) -ljg
I love hearing CC take it!
Practice positive cancer destroying visualizations and know that we are all here for you. (((hugs))) -ljg
Thanks Joyce. It was a bad day and I just needed to allow myself to feel whatever was real for me today. Here’s to a better tomorrow! -ljg
I am not sure what all to offer here. What I can say is that this terrible disease is not without pain, and it is swift. I had always been told that pancreatic cancer is fast, but bile duct can be extremely stealthy. My Mom was, at 61 years young, sick 41 days, before it took her from us and this earth.
She had jaundice, itching, high bilirubin, a stent put in, and lots of pain, all following an aborted gallbladder surgery when they found and subsequently spread the cancer. Her case was very advanced. I am sorry that none of this will comfort you, but I hope that it helps you prepare for the storm ahead.
Ask anything, anytime. Today was not a good day for me, but it strangely helps to help others going through this now, in my time of grief.
My best to you, your Mother, and your family. (((hugs))) -ljg
I found that once my Mom’s stent went it, she got some relief. In her case, which was stage 4, advanced, and spread through a gallbladder surgery that was aborted, then the cancer spread to the omentum (hopefully not your case), it started the ascities process. That was not a good development and once ascities takes hold, reversing it is difficult. Low back pain is typical, unfortunately. Itching, high bilirubin levels, odd stools, inability to eat, etc. were all a part of the process. Her pain, I am sorry and sad to say, was never abated in any real way.
My Mom never developed a fever, interestingly enough. I don’t want to offer only bad information or too much, but you can ask any time and more details will always be provided as you need them from me or our wonderful community of sharing.
I am taking a Chinese Medicine class now, and they say that people who are told of their disease, such as in Western Medicine, do worse, so maybe the answers to these questions need to be understood by you, but not shared with your husband. Just a thought, unless he has changed his mind about details. Maybe he wants you now to be prepared, but not be informed himself.
I am very sorry that you ever heard the term cholangiocarcinoma, let alone in such a personal way. My very best to you and your husband. -ljg
I have been where you are, and today I return again. Month 8 is here today… 8 months without my banter with my Mom, insides jokes, all sorts of talks and lots of love. I miss her so.
I thought I would tell you I actually do understand, and am pissed that I do. Anger is back today with a vengeance, and my focus is all over the map. No matter your age, you miss your Mom. I’ll be 40 this year, and will miss her that day too.
Even realizing that this is real is making my anger more intense, so I will offer to you, that these feelings come and go, naturally. Hang in there. It is a very organic process for us all. My best to you. -ljg
I hope this message finds you relived in some small way that your Mother knew how much she was loved and that she suffers no more. We are all small children when we loose our Mom. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Our best to you and your family at this time.
-ljg and the entire CC Community.
Thinking of you and Charles right now… I hope that you can feel it.
You know it sometimes gets harder before it gets easier. And then there are times, that it sneaks up on you. There are times that you miss them and can’t feel it, and there are times when the tears come in the middle of the night.
It’s a process, and the fact that you are feeling it is good, despite the way it feels. I encourage you to allow anything to come, at any time, and be ready to be blown away by grief. I was. But it was good and it is way better than not feeling, not processing, or worst of all not loving. Be willing to do whatever you need to to process it. You become more human by allowing that space and reality into your life.
To your Dad! To my Mom! It is good to feel and okay to be deeply sad and miss them. I sure am today. (((hugs))) -ljg