Skip to content

marylloyd

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 400 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: Am I crazy? #85853
    marylloyd
    Member

    Thank you friends. It is strange isn’t it how these things just hit you out of the blue. It’s usually when I’m alone for a day or two. I’ve had one of my kids living with me off and on (mainly on) since Tom’s death. When no one is around and I wander around this big house alone it just hits home how much I miss him and how much I always will! Especially this time of year. He loved Christmas! Memories just flood back.
    Julie, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. It just shows though how long these emotions can be bottled up inside. I have always thought I’ve handled things well also, then find myself sobbing in the shower for no real reason. I really should feel happier than I do.Things are actually going very well for me on every level. That’s why I think I may just be crazy! I have a wonderful gentleman friend who is very sweet and I really enjoy his company. But I can’t help making comparisons and realize that I’m never going to have what I had before with Tom. It makes me more grateful for the years we had together. But life goes on and I know it will be okay.
    Lainey!! That is so awful. I can’t imagine being bit once let alone three times! As dreary as Ohio can be at least we don’t have venomous critters! I hope you don’t have any lasting effects from the bites. I will be thinking of you today and I’m so glad you and Chuck have worked things out. Enjoy each others company!
    I’m going to ring the bell for the Salvation Army on Thurs from 10-3. I’ll probably do it again next week. I’m also signing up and taking the training to become a hospice volunteer. I’m really looking forward to getting out and helping others. It will be therapy!
    Take care all and thank-you for your friendship. We’ve been together a long time and shared a lot through the years! Love to all, Mary

    in reply to: Not quite a year…grief still gut- wrenching #76234
    marylloyd
    Member

    Hi Laurie,
    It’s been almost six years for Darla and 2 1/2 for me. I’m so sorry you lost your husband and are feeling so alone. I think I could have written your post myself… it truly echoes what I have gone through and am going through at present. I’d love to tell you everything will be fine in two or three years. It will get easier, lighter as I was told but no it will never be the same. The future? Wow, unappealing is a good word. I don’t have a lot of close friends either. The ones I do have are all married. For me that is one of the hardest times, to be in a group of married friends or relatives and remember how wonderful that bond was. I was one of the lucky ones, like you, that was married to my best friend. I too am having to make decisions about downsizing and moving. I have a farm that we spent our entire 32 years on together. It breaks my heart to move but I can’t take care of it or afford it. I feel him here too. In fact if I have to be away overnight I can’t wait to get home because I miss feeling his presence. If we move will they know where we are and follow us? Will it be the same? It feels like abandoning him and our entire life together. So you see if you are thinking crazy thoughts like me, you are in good company. I am sure every grieving person out here has their own way to cope. We all think thoughts that we can’t express to people who haven’t shared our experience. That’s why this group is so wonderful. We can vent. People understand here. Even so, my dog is the only one that truly knows my darkest thoughts. Ha. I wish you the best, Laurie. I’m sending a hug…..Mary

    in reply to: Another beautiful poem…. #79024
    marylloyd
    Member

    I think it’s really good to get therapy and medication if you need it. I think a lot of people who could really benefit don’t seek help. Stress is a terrible thing. I actually feel less stressed than I did before Tom died. The stress of dealing with his illness and the inevitable outcome went on for over five years. I always hoped he would be cured but I always knew he probably wasn’t . It was not really a matter of whether he was going to die from this disease but when, how and where? Of course I could not imagine how awful it was going to be and how I was going to continue on. Since his death I almost feel numb a lot of the time. I don’t really get stressed about anything like I used to. I do get depressed and have to deal with that occasionally. I think I’ve dealt with things but I may be like you Lainey and held it in. I don’t really know. I’m trying to move on a little at a time. I hear Tom’s voice in my sleep sometimes calling my name in a way that is telling me to get it together! I always wake up thinking okay, I’ll quit moping around. Then I talk to a guy I’ve met on the phone, thinking I may try this dating thing again and I have very vivid dreams of Tom telling me he is leaving me for another woman. I wake up terribly upset. Wow. MY subconscious is feeling guilty. Things are just too complicated. Take care, Mary

    in reply to: I’ve made it two years… #77278
    marylloyd
    Member

    Margaret,
    I’m glad I can help in any small way. It does gets easier in time. One good friend told me that the grief doesn’t ever go away but it does get lighter. I think that’s a great way to describe it. It’s always there, it always will be! But we all learn to deal with our emotions and carry on the best way possible. In time the weight on our hearts does get lighter. I still honestly have a hard time believing my Tom is really gone and it’s been almost 2 1/2 years. I often ask myself and any other entity out there listening, how did this happen? It’s just not the way it was supposed to be! Then, of course I go through the whole questioning process of why him, why me? Because I feel it’s not just him that lost his life, obviously he physically did, but I lost my entire life as I knew it. All of our dreams, our plans, everything is gone. You and I have to start life all over and it can be overwhelming to contemplate. Baby steps. That’s the only way to do it. Start out slowly. Take time to fully grieve. Cry as much as you need to…don’t hold it in. Take care of yourself. Go to counseling if you need it and support groups. Give yourself time to heal. It won’t happen overnight, obviously. Best wishes Margaret. Keep in touch and feel free to vent here when you need to. We all have strong shoulders!!
    Lainey,
    I love your poem. You are very talented. I hope you’re feeling better. I don’t get online very often so I lose touch with everyone. Did you have surgery? I hope you’re having a good winter. I think most of us are suffering through a record cold one. That doesn’t help our mental state either. I feel so much better on a sunny day!! Take care. Love, Mary

    in reply to: Another beautiful poem…. #79019
    marylloyd
    Member

    Hi Lainey and Darla,
    I think it’s being locked up inside that’s causing my “winter blues”. I’m sure you understand, Darla!! Lainey, you’re lucky to live in the warmth and sun! I hope all of your health issues resolve themselves. You have had to go through a lot of krap!! I’m very lucky to be very healthy. I was on Match.com for 3 weeks and went off. I did go on my first date Weds. after talking to the guy for weeks and it was very awkward. He seemed disappointed. I’ve lost 30 lbs. and thought I looked really good and after his initial reaction I kept thinking about Tom the whole time. If he had been standing there and saw me get out of the car after all of this time he would have said “Wow! Forget dinner, let’s go home!!” Lol ! Anyway, a lot of these guys think they’re God’s gift to women I guess! The good thing is I met another fellow for lunch on Friday and we had a very nice, intense conversation for 3 hours. I was almost late for an appointment we were talking so much. But we are just friends. His wife died 18 months ago and he’s got a long way to go. We enjoyed talking though and I think it was good for both of us. I know someone will eventually come along but I agree with my son re: the online dating. He says it’s soul crushing! No more blind dates for me!!
    Take care, Lainey. I hope everything goes well with your tests. Darla we definitely have to just take baby steps. Stay warm up there in Wisconsin!
    Love to you both, Mary

    in reply to: I’ve made it two years… #77274
    marylloyd
    Member

    Hi Friends,
    I hope all of you had a nice Christmas. It was the best one I’ve had in several years. I have a new grandson that I love dearly and he helped brighten up the holidays. I only got teary once when some familiar music played while I was rocking him. I just wished his grandpa was here to enjoy him too. Those are the hardest times. I know he sees us from heaven but we all want his physical presence here. My son commented that everyone was taking pictures so that must mean we are feeling better about things and want to remember these gatherings. He’s right-it is getting easier.
    Margaret, I’m so sorry for your recent loss. This is a very hard season to go through after so recently losing your dear husband, John. Darla and Lainey and I have had time to move through our own personal grieving process and I know we are all doing better than we were years ago. It’s wonderful to have the support of friends here that really do know what you are going through !! Lean on us when you need to. You will find your way in time. Just don’t be in too big of a hurry and take care of yourself.
    Best wishes to all of you for a blessed New Year! Mary

    in reply to: Update on Lauren #72268
    marylloyd
    Member

    Dear Pam,
    I have not been online for weeks and lost track of many friends here so seeing your news about Lauren was heartbreaking. I am so, so sorry. Words can’t heal your broken heart right now but time will help lessen the grief. I know I tended to get teary and often cry when talking or thinking about Tom after he first passed but now I usually laugh when thinking of him. I think of our good times and his smile and laugh and voice and you will remember Lauren that way too. You’ll get over the trauma you obviously have been through, it’s like suffering from PTSD after being a caretaker for so long and having to go through all that you and your family experienced at the end. Watching a child go through what Lauren did would be torture. But in time those memories will fade and you’ll be able to laugh again. You’ll still cry… just not as often !! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and with Lauren. We have a new, beautiful CC angel. We’ll always remember her strength and courage. Take care of yourself, Pam. Remember we are all here for you. Love, Mary

    in reply to: Six weeks since I lost my sweet husband #68251
    marylloyd
    Member

    Dear Laurie,
    Six weeks is way, way too early to even imagine starting to feel “normal”! Sometimes I think it may take years, if ever. I lost my dear husband in Nov. 2011 after 5 1/2 years of fighting this cancer and 32 years of marriage. I and everyone else here understands all that you are going through. You simply have a whole in your heart and in your life that will never be totally healed. Eventually it won’t hurt so much , you will be able to get up every day and face whatever life throws at you but believe me you will never forget the love and life you shared with your husband. You will even be able to laugh and smile when you think of him… in time. The tears will still come but they will be a little less frequent. Your happy memories will help them subside. The first year is definitely the worse. All of the firsts you have to face. I thought I was doing pretty well then our anniversary came along and I cried for a week. I went to my first wedding without him, that was really hard…one of the hardest things I had to go through. The six month anniversary was also very hard for some reason. Hospice actually sent out literature at that point saying it was a hard anniversary. I never went to any support groups. It does help some people but I just kept very busy and tried to cope on my own. I think I’ve made it through the worst part of the grieving process. I can actually think of my future and not start crying or slip into depression. When Tom first died someone told me that my grief would never totally go away but it would get “lighter”. As hard as it is for you to imagine right now, it really is true. My kids and I sit and talk about their Dad and laugh about our memories of him. I catch myself saying or thinking of some of the “dumb” sayings he used to say and start laughing. I remember trying to come up with a word to describe my feelings about losing him. Saying that I “missed” him didn’t seem to express my feelings adequately. I even looked in the dictionary for a synonym for the word “miss”. I finally decided the best word was that I ” longed” for him. I longed to see him again and touch him and hear his voice. To sit and chat and laugh and hold hands. Even to argue with him. I still do and you will too. That desire will never go away as long as we live. We’ll miss sharing our lives with the person we planned on being with until we were both very old and very gray! I am thankful for the happy years we had but like you can’t help feeling cheated that it wasn’t longer. Laurie, all you can do is take care of yourself, try to find people you can talk to and let time heal your pain. It is hard to believe after just 6 weeks that life will ever get easier ,but it will. Please feel free to vent here whenever you feel the need! Love, Mary

    in reply to: REMEMBERING TEDDY…TODAY MARKS 2 YEARS #67230
    marylloyd
    Member

    Dear Lainey,
    I’m glad you enjoyed your night out remembering Teddy. I hope you’re feeling better by now. It does seem hard to believe it’s been two years already. We all miss Teddy, too. Maybe someday we will meet in person and I can give you a big hug!! Thanks for being a good friend. Love, Mary

    in reply to: Wedding ring? #66147
    marylloyd
    Member

    Alla,
    I just resized my wedding ring. I actually lost my engagement ring years ago. I would take it off because the diamond would catch on things and then forget to put it back on. I think I swept it up in the sweeper. I have always felt bad about that. Best wishes , Mary

    in reply to: Angel With a Broken Wing #67066
    marylloyd
    Member

    I agree with Lainey. This truly is one of the most beautiful and inspiring posts I have ever read. I am sure your Dad is very proud of you and I know he wants you to find happiness. All of our lost loved ones do. Lainey and I have have had many real physical communications from our lost husbands and I always come away feeling the same way… somewhat sad and lonely but also happy because I know he is okay and he wants me to be okay too. Easier said then done often, but it is possible. We must just put our broken hearts and wings back together as well as we can and carry on. We have no choice!And helping others is truly the best way . Best wishes, Mary

    in reply to: Our Kris. #48021
    marylloyd
    Member

    Hans,
    Thanks so much for sharing Kris’ birthday with us. I like what you said about celebrating her birthday rather than the day of her death. You are so right-I never knew anyone more full of life than Kris!! We all loved her so much and truly do miss her sense of humor and smile. It’s funny how our minds can cause all of the “bad” things to fade from our memory and we do remember all of the good things. In my dreams and memories Tom is always strong and healthy….and smiling. He had a great smile and laugh too. I hope you continue to keep in touch and I wish the very best for you. Thank-you for lighting a candle for everyone here. We are lucky to have had so many good friends here over the years! Take care. Love, Mary

    in reply to: It will be one year tomorrow… #66704
    marylloyd
    Member

    Thanks for all of your responses. It’s good to hear from all of you, ecspecially you, Hans. I’m glad you are still checking in with us. It really is hard to believe it’s been two years since Kris and Teddy left us. I miss them too and think about all of our lost friends often. I don’t necessarily want to wish my life away but there are times that I’m glad the time is flying. I have absolutely no fear of dying because I know I’ll see Tom again, my main fear is of being dependent on my kids. I’m really happy to be doing so well a month out from my surgery. It was so hard trying to arrange people to be here with me, mainly to take care of my crazy dog/pup. When you have a spouse you just take for granted the fact that someone is there to help you when you need it. When you’re alone it requires a lot of planning ahead. My parents want to help but they’re getting so old. My Dad is 86 but still wants to do what he can. I told them it’s crazy that I’m 55 and still have to check in with my parents or they worry about me! Who would have thought that things would turn out this way? Lainey, I would love to head out your way. One of these days I’m going to do it! I love your poem too. All of us that have lost a loved one share the same feelings. We all have different personal moments that we miss but we all share the feeling of loss and sadness. I’ve tried to tell other new widows that it does get easier. They look at me in disbelief sometimes just like I probably did a year ago when I was told the same thing, but it honestly does. The memories help get you through the tough days. I’m so happy that I am lucky enough to have so many good memories. My kids and I laugh a lot when we think of all the corny things Tom used to say. I actually hear myself saying them sometimes and it makes me laugh! Take care everyone and Pamela and Betsy I would still like to get together sometime. I hope everyone is doing well. I still don’t have a computer or internet so I have a hard time keeping up with all the news here. Best wishes to all. Love Mary

    in reply to: Wedding ring? #66145
    marylloyd
    Member

    I had my wedding ring sized to fit on my right hand. I plan on always wearing it in memory of Tom regardless of what my future may be. I just feel wrong not wearing it. I couldn’t wait to get it back from the jewelers, I was so worried they would lose it. It’s a personal decision and there isn’t a wrong or right way of doing it. Just do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Mary

    in reply to: A Welcome Visit #65077
    marylloyd
    Member

    Julia,
    I, like Lainey love these posts too. My Tom has visited me in so many different ways. I have a little wren that wakes me up in the morning singing and seems to follow me around when I’m outside working. Tom loved to sing so I always think that it’s him serenading me. A few weeks ago I was driving my pup to the vet early in the morning and kind of in a trance when the light above my rearview mirror flashed on and startled me awake just as a deer ran across my path. Weird things like that have happened from the beginning. Some people say it would give them the creeps but I find them comforting. I love to think he is still around and some how aware of what’s going on in our lives. I hope your sister keeps visiting you. Love, Mary

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 400 total)
©2019 - All Rights Reserved, Cholangiocarcinoma Foundation
Scroll To Top